PLEASE HELP i need a really good clean joke that is long!!!!!!?

Answer 1

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Answer 2

Hi there. I hope that this is long enough:

JAPANESE FINANCIAL CRISIS

The financial crisis that has hit Japan seems to be getting worse. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the price of Khazi Bank’s stock went down the pan. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze bank have nose dived. Bonsai bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke bank is up for sale, and is going for a song. Five hundred back office staff at Karate bank got the chop. Meanwhile, rumours have continued about Tenko bank after the staff were locked in last night. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and the staff fear that they are getting a raw deal.

Answer 3

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Answer 4

A nun asked her students at Sunday school which part of the body goes to Heaven first. Little Amy answered, “The hands go first” The nun asked why? Little Amy stated “When you kneel down at your bed at night to pray to God, you put your hands together and God can reach them first! The nun said “What a good answer, does anyone else have a thought?’ Little Johnny put up his hand and said, “I think the feet goes first. Last night when I walked by my parent’s bedroom, my Moms feet where strait up in the air and she was screaming, “Oh God I’m coming”. If it were not for Dad pinning her down, we would have lost her!”

Answer 5

This is an old one... you've prob heard it b4 but here goes!

An English man, Irish man and a Scotch man were all working on a biuding site. At luch time they all sat on the top of the skyscraper they were building and opened thier lunch boxes,
The English man took one look in his box and his face turned green...
'Oh no! god my wife knows I can't stand ham! Every day she makes it and every day I take it back uneaten... don't you think she'd take a hint! I'm tellling you lads if she does it again tomorrow Im gonna jump off this Building I can't stand it any more!!'
The Scotch man nodded in approval...
'Would you believe its the exact same thing with me and my missus? Every day she makes me Cheese and every day I tell her that I don't like cheese, and look she's done it again today, Listen mate if she does it again tomorrow I'll join you in jumping off this thing!'
While the other two strike thier deal the Irish man looks in his lunchbox and excliams...
'Chicken! Chicken! god that woman knows I don't eat chicken, it makes me sick! Listen If she does it again Im gonna jump with yous!'
All the men agree that this is what is going to happen and get back to work.

The next day at lunch the men are all at the top of the building again. As one by one they open thier lunch each can tell by the others face what is about to happen.
The English man says
'Well farewell my old friends... She's done it again, Im going...'
And he jumps off the biuding and id instantly killed.
The Scotchman turns to his Irish friend and says...
'Well mick, Im off it cheese again If he's jumping so am I...'
And again the Scotchman jumps and is instantly killed,
The Irishman, looking miserably into his box sighs and quitely says to himself
'Oh well this is it... chicken again...'
And jumps and the same as his friends is instantly killed.
Later that week at the funeral the three wives stand mourning over thier husbands coffins,
The Englishmans Wife cries...
'Oh if only he told me that he didn't like ham! I wouldn't have made it again! Now he's gone!'
The Scotchmans wife lends a shoulder to cry on and sniffles...
' I know... I didn't realise he didn't like cheese... We hardly talked how was I to know I couldn't read his mind!'
The Irishmans wife looks sorrowfully at his coffin, turns to the others and says...
'Im heartbroken and all girls... but the sas thing is... He made his own sandwiches'
!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope that was long enough it seemed like it took ages to write!!
(",) xxxx

Answer 6

Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:'Get the quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Answer 7

it's a little bit dirty but! A teacher is in a classs and asks her pupils to tell them a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it. A little girl puts up her hand and say ' Miss, my brother had measles and my mum said it was contagious'. Very good said the teacher. A little boy puts his hand up and says 'Miss, my dad was painting our front door with a one inch brush and my mum said it would take the contagious (**** ages).

Answer 8

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
...................................or................................................

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.

Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!''
And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''
.........................................................or............................................
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

Answer 9

OK but this is a blonde joke:
in a room there is a
smart blonde in one corner
a dumb blonde in another
and the easter bunny in the other
and finally santa in the 4th
theres also a bag of money in the center
who gets the money????
. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .
the dumb blonde because none of the other exist =))

Answer 10

PASSWORD:

p.e.n.i.s

sorry that is too long