bf's mother died, not crying??

Question

2 weeks ago, my bf's mother died of ALS, she was 72, she had it only a year, with the last 6 months of fast progression, she died at home, we where there, he cried some that day, and hasn't cried or really acted like anything happened, I've been crying alot, I know people grieve differently, we are 40yr old, but, I'm afriad he's just going to start crying one day and have a real meltdown??

Answer 1

One thing is that because it was his mother, and because there was the long illness involved, he is probably numb right now. I think Nature designs us so we'll be numb while the shock of loss is so horrible; and so later, when we do start to feel it it is old enough so we can manage it.

Another thing is he could be someone who doesn't cry in front of people. Many people choose to grieve alone and use time with other people as a way to get their mind off things.

If he does just some day start to cry and have a big meltdown that's ok. It will pass.

Sometimes, too, one way people find to deal with horrible loss is to make it a point to be strong. Choosing to be as strong as possible gives the person a challenge, a sense of being able to cope, and a way to get through the immediate time following the loss without getting into such a state his sinuses will be filled up for days after. Sometimes when someone really close dies (particularly when there can be issues of guilt associated with not being able to do everything one wished he could have done during the illness) it is just so horrible that a person knows he must not allow himself to cry until he knows that crying will not be as out-of-control as he knows it will be right now.

You are crying because you weren't close enough to her to have been numbed by her death. Because you were close enough to know her as well as you did, though, you are feeling every bit of grief over what has gone on.

I know you mean well, but as a person who doesn't cry the way people often have thought I should cry during times of grief, don't be looking for him to cry and thinking he ought to cry because you are. The relationship with the deceased person was very different, and he may like being someone who has control of how and when he decides to cry. When you're someone who sees other people as not having the control you do (by not crying) you don't want to hear from those people that you ought to be crying.

Over the next year or so the numbness he probably has will occasionally start to get holes in it, and he'll let a little thought here or there in and process it, and when it gets too feel like he can't deal with it again he'll seal back up the numbness until a little more time has passed.

After a while the numbness is like a wall that has had so many holes poked in it and patched up it becomes weak, and it will gradually fall apart and leave him without the numbness. This will take a long time, though, and it can be when the numbness starts to fall away that people feel as if the death is new and they must deal with it all over again (this time without benefit of numbness).

Again, I know you mean well but who cries when is only the business of the person who cries or doesn't. Try to respect his need to cry when the time and place are right for him or not to cry at all. Part of what may be helping him cope is his "skill" in being able to control himself. It can reinforce the sense of strength and being capable, and being able to control the crying also helps give a person control over at least that much in the situation.

As someone who has a history of being the stoic type, I can tell you that there's a good chance he is pleased with his control and probably wants it seen as strength by others - not as a potential problem later.

Don't forget that the type of illness she had meant he not only had to watch her suffer and be in pain for her, but he had to begin processing losing his mother as he knew her a long time ago. Death after a long illness (particularly of the nature hers was) is far more complex in terms of when grieving sets in than, say, the death of a person who dies of a heart attack suddenly. He has probably done a whole lot of grieving already, and he may actually be experiencing a sense of relief to see her not suffering.

I know I was shocked to discover that when I found my mother after a long and awful illness my first reaction was that she was not suffering any longer. There's also that element for him.

I've been through enough horrible loss in my life that I can tell you that when its big enough and horrible enough people tend to behave as your boyfriend is behaving. Its the only way to get through the first year.

Answer 2

I'm about the same age, and my mom passed away several years ago. I had a similar reaction as your boyfriend, and my wife had a similar reaction as yours. My wife asked me if I wanted to go to counseling, but I didn't feel it was necessary. I was very sad, of course, and for a long time, there wouldn't be a day that passed where I did not think about it.

In my opinion, counseling wasn't the answer. I knew what was wrong; my mother was no longer with us. No amount of counseling was going to change that, and therefore I wasn't interested in counseling.

As time passed, the pain of my mom's passing decreased. Even to this day, it hurts a little. Knowing that she did not get to see her grandchildren, knowing she missed out Christmases with us, etc.. It's still tough to take. But I never really had a meltdown. It was one of those things that I knew I could do nothing about, and I had to learn to accept it. I am guessing that it is likely that your boyfriend will have the same experience.

All the best to both of you.

Answer 3

Everyone grieves in different ways. He may, indeed, have a "meltdown" one day ---- or he may have finished his grieving.

ALS is a devastating disease --- your boyfriend may feel that she is in a better place. It would be very hard to see a family member going thru that.

Answer 4

It's possible, so what difference does it make if has his breakdown now or later? Just be there for him....he could be more comfortable crying in private or he could just be numb....who knows. Don't pressure him to grieve the way you are, just be open minded and try to be patient and understanding.

Answer 5

I would suggest just being there for it when it happens.

Talking about her in her good times might be healthy for him as well. Just remembering her as she was, and reminding him of his love for her and her love for him.

Just try to keep the communication open between you two because death is one of those things that can build spaces between people.

Answer 6

And? Is the world going to come to an end if he does?
Men aren't emotional discharges. We accept the facts and move on.

Answer 7

He probably accepted the inevitable a while back.....but truely when a persons Mother dies a piece of them also dies.

Answer 8

loseing your mom are dad is hard,an he may be one that was tought ,men dont cry,,,,,, an sometime it take longer for us men to under stand she gone,,,,it took me a spell to break down, an i now feel better, he be ok, but keep a eye on him an let him know you their for him,,,, my self i cry a llong, i did not want any one to see that i was weak,,,, god bless bouth of you an may he stand be side you

Answer 9

like you said everybody is different, everybody handles it different. he may be relieved htat his mother is in a better place and not suffering anymore. Support him either way.