Just looking for opinions- mixed feelings about my fiance family...?

Question

My fiancé slipped and told me his sister was annoyed that "none" of them are in the wedding. But it's a little more complicated.
1. My fiancé never knew his sister until he was an adult. 2. His "real" sisters are older- he has two. 3. He also has 3 step sisters.
So I was shocked- and my fi starting giving me grief about it. Well, first off I already have 6 people in my wedding party- 6 really good friends that ALL assumed they were in my wedding since I was in all of theirs. And I do want all of my friends in my wedding party. Well, my FI has 5 sister and I can't have them all in the wedding- and I didn't want to favor sister over a stepsister because share the same DNA. I am not close to any of his sisters.
The sister who made the comment is on Welfare and has two children, one who is MR and needs lots of medical attention. She older like 36 so it's not like she a young girl longing to be in a wedding for the first time. I made the comment that she doesn't need to be spending money on a bridesmaids gown and on a shower..... she should save her money for her kids. Oh, yeah... the Dad is an illegal immigrant and he's in jail... so no child support.

Here's the kicker- My FI said to me- If that what she wants to spend her money on then why is it a problem?

I think my FI is annoyed that he didn't have enough guys so I have one of my friends on his side.... but he doesn't have anyone on my side...
But he won't be able to think of another guy IF I had his sister..... and I think it would be unfair to just pick one sister.
What the Hell am I suppose to say to this??
And why is he being so defensive about a sister that he really doesn't like?? He constantly annoyed with her... and how she lives her "ghetto" style life.
And that's actually his word not mine- he always refers to her as Ghetto, white trash...ect.... because of who she dates, how she lives and treats her kids.

Answer 1

You pick who you want to be in the wedding party. 6 is PLENTY. I only wanted a few but put my husbands sister and sister in law in my bridal party because I was trying to avoid what you are going thru now. I was miserable on my wedding day. They wouldnt wear their hair how the stylist fixed it. They didnt like the dress (black matte satin floor-length strapless) that was gorgeous. Dont put anyone in that position because of guilt. I just look at my pics and get angry because they arent the prettiest girls in the world and hubby's sis ignored the photographer on purpose.

Answer 2

Don't have his sisters on your side. They are not your friends, you are not close, they do not need to be standing next to you on the most important day of your life. And as for your friend being on your hubby's side, maybe have that person be an usher or something. The number of bridesmaids and groomsmen does not need to be equal. So if he is giving you a hard time about your friend being on his side and he wants a sister on your side, just have that friend do something else, or choose a sister. Unfortunately you can't make everyone happy when planning your wedding. But the thing that you and his family need to focus on, is that it is YOUR wedding, not theirs, so they need to get over it! You should be able to talk this out rationally with your hubby -to-be...

Answer 3

His behavior does sound suspicious. You seem to have already asked yourself the obvious questions, he cares more about his appearance, he's more protective of his cell phone... I think you should come right out and ask him. Tell him you're hurt that he doesn't seem as into you as he once was, and see what he says. ASK HIM IF he has gotten back together with his ex or someone else. If he says no, continue to keep your eyes peeled for suspicious activity Does he come home really late? Or at different times than he used to? Does he get aggressive or defensive when you ask him where he's been? You could hire a Private Investigator although it can be pricey. If you can't afford a PI I would hire a close friend to see if he's being honest. I realize this sounds stalkerish and crazy, but you're going to marry this man, you better make sure he's as trustworthy as he says he is. If he comes out clean and isn't cheating, then you can trust him.

Answer 4

so I am going through this same thing right now (Minus the "ghetto" and the rather upsupportive fiance).
While you may want to tell her everything you have told us to her face, the best word of advice I received was to leave them with nothing to say, meaning if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.. (you come out of the whole mess smelling like roses)
But either way, this, as everyone has said, is your day. Maybe she is jealous that her wedding was nowhere near as nice as yours will be, or that she hasn't had one. Maybe she has no friends, either way, what do any of us care.
I would explain to her (nicely) that while you would have "loved" to have her in your wedding, this has all been planned out with your friends for quite some time, and that you would hate for her to feel like the 7th wheel, by not knowing any of the other bridesmaids and that you would prefer she be able to enjoy the festivities rather then be rushing around doing bridesmaids "duties".

and wa-la... you come out smelling like roses.. and your day isn't ruined..

Answer 5

I understand both of your points of view. I believe it's never a good policy to include someone as bridesmaid or maid of honor who aren't really close to you. But at the same time I think it is important to include your fiance's siblings in the wedding. I ask my husband's female family members to be hostesses. This may be an option. They could hand out programs, make sure guests sign the guest book, provide directions (ceremony, rest rooms, coat room), greet people at the door as the arrive, help direct guests to their table at the reception, etc. Or they could be candle lighters, give a reading, or escort his father and grandfathers to their their seats). I definately would recommend sitting down with your finance to come up with some other way they can be involved.

Answer 6

Well my dear here's what you do. Write out a list of things they can do (for example: hand out the favors, being ushers, babysitting, helping mail invitations, help set up ect....) And see what he says to that. If that is not "acceptable" to them then so be it. They are not involved in the wedding then. Just explain to him you do not need anymore people in the wedding and if he is really that concerned about it then to cross some people off his groomsmen side and have his sisters stand in. Lol see what he says to that,

Answer 7

Planning a wedding is a very stressful time (going through it myself). Perhaps your fiance is just going through his own stresses. I personally don't think it is necessary to have every family member in a wedding party or even a lot of attendants anyway. I would honestly ask him if he really wants her in the wedding party.
I wouldn't want people who are perfect strangers in my wedding party, but honestly if it would make my fiance happy, I would do it. Because it is his day too. But I would ask him if this is really what he wants or if he just feels pressure.
I wish I could be more help. I'm lucky...my fiance and I just want a very small wedding so we are having a very limited number of attendants as well as guests.

Answer 8

seeing as it is your wedding and not hers she shouldnt really be making comments like that. If she took the time to get to know you and was genuinely nice to you then maybe you would have put her in it. I suggest to go about it by telling her that you picked friends you have known a long time and are close with and you didnt want her to think you assumed she would want to. Try and word it some way that doesnt sound to abrasive. Really he should be supportive and help you deal with this, as in law issues certainly dont die after the wedding. Sorry you are having such issues :( good luck!

Answer 9

that is wierd of him, just explain to them what you said, you didn't want to pick one sis over the others, and 11 bridesmaids would certainly be overkill! You shouldn't have to have people you have little to do with put in places over your great friends who have been their for you, totally not fair to those you care about. I guess it is her money and while it wouldn't be a wise financial decision on her part, it is her money to spend, but if you do happen to let her in it, I wouldn't take one harsh comment about the cost of anything lying down! maybe he does wish he had a girl on your side to make up for it, but it logistically just doesn't make sence at all. I would definetly milk the not wanting to have one sis over another excuse, maybe ask her to do the guestbook or serve punch or something less expensive so she can still be part of the wedding without you haveing to really deal with her nonsence! good luck with it!

Answer 10

You are under no obligation to include any of the groom's family or friends in your bridal party. Bridesmaids are usually people who have known and been close to the bride; i.e. your friends and relatives. There is no justification to include people you don't know or like. By the same token, your fiance is under no obligation to have one of your friends as a groomsman and it's perfectly OK to have a different number of bridesmaids than groomsmen or vice versa. I suspect your fiance has been under a lot of pressure from his family and he just wants it to go away. He should tell his family that who you have as bridesmaids is your choice and not his and you have chosen your closest friends and that's the end of it.