even though she died 2 years ago.She never really liked me and always said hurtful things to me, she often called me a bastard and said she wished she had killed me at birth, maybe this was just anger?.She never took the time to get to know me and we rarely spoke partly because her negativity was choking me.I find that i am like her in some ways, i always see the negative in things.I try daily to improve and have but i am still so angry that she neglected me and never stuck up for me.I have had a string of troubled relationships ( with friends and boyfriends) all my life.Before she died i asked if there was anything that i had done to her her answer was that sometimes i would not cook a meal for her when i knew she was ill.I feel so guilty and ashamed that i still hat* her.I accept that i am partly to blame as i did not make enough of an effort and should never have given up trying to bond with her.
I've had counselling.How can i be happy again and are there any good books i can read?
2007-02-11 21:41:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
YOU are not to blame for your mothers death.
YOU are not to blame for her illness.
YOU are not to blame for the way she treated you.
YOU are responsible for YOUR future.
Make it count!
2007-02-12 09:04:58 · answer #1 · answered by Haydn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are where I could have been in a few years....and you need to resolve how you feel about your mother. I know what it is like to feel the anger, hurt, betrayal, guilt and hate as well as the desperate desire to be loved and accepted. And if you don't get out of the cycle it will swallow you.
If you don't want to continue counseling, then maybe you should write. Get a blank journal and pour your feelings about your mother into it. All of them, from as far back as you can remember to today. It isn't easy...well, sometimes it is when you get on a rant, and it may drag out some really tough memories...but you need to get all that poison out!!
You can't take responsibility for what she did to you. You were the child. You have to go on with your life and let her go...or she wins. When you realize that she made a conscience choice to treat you the way she did you will begin to be free. Her hate and unhappiness at her own life should not color yours anymore. You can't change what she was or what her life was...but you can change yours. You have to move past all her troubles and find your own happiness....make your own life full of love and life and be part of the future...not caught in what might or could have been. You can't change the past, but you sure can have a better future. Be strong, be safe, be happy. Best wishes
2007-02-11 23:52:01 · answer #2 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You must now start to put the past behind you and move on, you are not responsible for your mothers actions, but you can change the way you behave. You need to get some self confidence, by your mum always putting you down you have low esteem. Do not feel guilty about still disliking your mother, we cannot chose our family. Try to improve your outlook on life, everybody has down days and by being negative about everything is not helping you. You are frightened to trust folk again thinking they will hurt you and name call you, but in order to be happier and move on you must learn to love and trust people. Do three nice things a day for people that will help you start liking yourself. Please forget the past you cannot change it just learn by it, good luck to you hope you will soon be a lot happier.
2007-02-11 22:56:38 · answer #3 · answered by Kirks Folley 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've found that meditation can help with letting go of old pain and learning to look for the positive in life, it's not easy at first but once you've got the nack of it, it flows through into other areas of your life and you'll learn to love and respect yourself, there are many Cd's, tapes, books you can buy on the subject of guided meditation, but for another idea, learning to accept your mum for who she was- (a scared and hurt little girl by the sounds of it) and that she was just hurtfully striking out at you, which is not your fault! as you would have never have been able to get it right for her.- should help in letting go of the hate that you feel for her, try to learn to feel sorry for her and that hate and anger that she carried with her and how it messed her up.....be determined not to end up the same way
2007-02-12 02:50:13 · answer #4 · answered by maid marion 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry that you went through that with your mother. Your mother is dead and I just want you to be aware that your mother was once a little girl. You probably don't know how she was raised and how she was treated growing up. Maybe her conduct toward have something to do with what she went through coming up as a child. She probably did not know the hurt within her came out against you and she did not realize it.
Examine yourself and make an outline of how you want to improve yourself and break the cycle of that behavior toward other people. This is why we all should not judge other people because we don't know how people were raised from child birth.
We all have some type of insecurities about ourselves.
You just as normal as anyone else.
Continue to be honest with yourself and you will be okay.
2007-02-11 23:35:25 · answer #5 · answered by Big P 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What your Mom did to you was abuse, it is nothing for you to be ashamed of or feel bad about. Verbal abuse which she inflicted on you is just as bad or worse than physical. Bruises heal but words can stay with you for a long time. Such as in this case and how you are feeling. I would suggest to stay in counseling for your pain. You should never feel or blame yourself for not making an effort, to me you did try. You werent the one with a problem, your Mom had one. You dont treat your children that way, it was abuse. Instead of looking for the negativity in things, start looking for the positive. You need to get past your anger and bitterness so you can heal all those wounds. You also know how she treated you so instead of feeling like you are like her in some ways change that. Find something that you like to do and make yourself happy. Go back to counseling and put it in your mind you are not your mother and you are going to be happy. You can be happy, life is to short. As far as books, check out Chicken Soup for the Soul books. They are inspiring. But hang in there and remember you are not to blame. You can be happy, and you need to instill that in your mind. let go of the past and look to the future, it looks pretty bright.
2007-02-11 23:05:05 · answer #6 · answered by helen 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Don't feel guilty, I've been there my mum is really hurtful and negative towards me and i don't know why. but my mum is still alive and i hated her too but one thing i can advise you is to let go write on a journal what are your feelings try every day to be a better person, and think that you are in no ways like her because you are aware of it. I know how you feel but let it go, she is gone now and she is no going to hurt you anymore, Is not you fault, you didn't bond with her because of her aptitude.
2007-02-12 08:17:23 · answer #7 · answered by lissy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your Mom was an abuser. Maybe she didn't hit, but she hurt you with words. Emotional abuse.
You have had counseling, but maybe not enough. You need to learn how to accept and to love yourself. Talk with your doctor about this, and see if you can get some more help.
You need to feel good about yourself, so that you will not become an abuser, too. You have to break that cycle.
2007-02-12 16:16:09 · answer #8 · answered by kiwi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sometimes letting go is the only answer, worrying over the past does not resolve anything in the future, by all means reflect on how things were - but don't get bogged. I know it is easy for me to say. I suggest you approach your GP with these feelings and they would probably reccommend a bereavement counsellor to enable you to deal with her death but also holding onto the good things that your mother brought to you, and empowering you to deal with all the negativity.
i wish you luck, remember to smile and the rest will follow. xxx
2007-02-11 22:40:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
sadly she has passed away its time to forget about the passed and think that she was the one who brought u into the world..all familys are diffrent and this is life.head up that was in the past...let your hair down. the one thing that u have said is you are like her in some ways.atleast YOU know that and can improve it throught time...i hope this helps. it was a ending to a life but the beggining of yours... good luck
2007-02-11 22:37:37 · answer #10 · answered by lady z 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it sounds like your not the one that should be feeling guilty, emotionally shes seriously messed with your head because she knew she could, shes the one that got it wrong not you!! move on and get on with your life you sound like a good person despite the way shes treated you and that in itself is one hell of an achievement. Take care hun
2007-02-11 22:37:24 · answer #11 · answered by Christina B 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋