I need some jokes!?

Question

I want some funny jokes that will make me laugh till i cry
10 pionts for the 1st one who can do that

and can i plz have a star?

Answer 1

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

Answer 2

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

Answer 3

Valentine's Vernacular: A Dating Dictionary...

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Answer 4

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain." "Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Bill replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

Answer 5

Well, I'll give you a star, and this:-

My uncle came to visit the other day and altogether we had 7 people, which we decided we'll travel in one car since we're just 5 mins away from our destination. As we came to a bump on the road, the car bottom brushed on the bump. As we approached another, my sister said "should we stand up so it's not so heavy?"
It was a dumb blonde moment, and she isnt even blonde!

There, hope you at least smiled

Answer 6

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So

he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would
start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest
and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, New
York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000
per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont, decided to travel to over to Australia to see
if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia and there again at the
first church he came to was the same golden telephone. But this time the sign
under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the
priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen
this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line
to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap
here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local
call".

Answer 7

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Answer 8

haha...i gave a star too, anyway, i dunno if this is too late...well here's two jokes :]


well, a man's son had gotten an STD, and the dad was going nuts. So he called the doctor and said,
"Oh no! My son has gotten an STD. He MUST have gotten it from the maid, she must have done it!..."

And the doctor kept on saying, "Calm down! Calm down!"

And then the man said, "Oh no! That means I must have it because i did it with the maid!"

and the doctor kept on saying, "Calm down! Calm down!"

and then the man said, "Oh no! I must have passed it on to my wife!"

and then the doctor said, "Oh Crap!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
(ok, a somewhat cleaner one...)

There once were these Three Amigos who had never done a sin in their lives and they wanted to be Catholic priests. (bear with me, i know THESE Three Amigos can't be sinless, much less want to be priests but eh *shrugs* it's a joke :)

So, the Three Amigos went to the bishop-person and said:
"We want to be priests."

Bishop: "Have you done a sin in your life?"

The Three Amigos, in unison: "Nope, never in our lives!"

The Bishop: "My dears, you must have done a sin before you can become a priest! Go out and come back tomorrow and tell me what you have done for your sin!"

~The Next Day~
First Amigo: "I stole from the collection plate!"

Bishop: "Good! now go and drink the Holy Water!"

Second Amigo: "I molested a boy!"

Bishop: "Good, now go and drink the Holy Water!"

Third Amigo: "I PEED in the Holy Water!



:]

hehe...

Answer 9

There was this boy and girl. The boy had stood up on top of the girl while they both were naked. The boy asked 'How much longer until it's supposed to feel good?'

Answer 10

a man and his son were walking through the pharmacy when his son stopped and asked his dad " what are the 3 pack of condoms for?" well the fathersaid "those are for teenage boys. one for friday, one for saturday and one for sunday" and then the little boy says well whats the 6 pack of condoms for? and then the father says "those are for college boys. 2 for friday, 2 for saturday, and 2 for sunday". and then finally the little boy asks "well what are the 12 pack of condoms for?" and finally the father replys "well son those are for married men, 1 for january, 1 for feburary, 1 for march......"