My wife is English but she immigrated to Australia to make her new life here with me. She is very close to her family and misses them considerably. Last night she discovered her granddad has been given 3 months to live.
She was in denial at first but has now booked a flight to England in about a month's time to spend time with him and make sure her mum is coping, but upon telling her mum that she will be going over there her mum has criticised her because in her mind we can't afford that sort of expense (especially if we will be flying back for the funeral possibly a couple of months later).
My wife is devestated at that reaction. How do I help her cope with her granddad's pending death and also try to assist relations between her and her mother at this difficult time.
Note I will not be flying to England, only my wife will be, because we actually can't afford both of us to go. We will both be flying over for the funeral later on - I want to be there to support my wife through that.
2007-02-11 18:52:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Hey Slasher..
warm thoughts to your wife.
Some other people have already written what i was going to say ... get her to focus on the positive and to perhaps accept that her grandfather's time has come ESPECIALLY if he is in pain and is suffering.. that his passing will be a release from his pain and he WILL always be a part of her make-up.
Your mother-in-law is also suffering the loss and perhaps ... there may be a part of her that wants herself just to spend those last days with her father ... family deaths can make people act in ways that others find extremely hard to understand.
Perhaps explain to your wife .. that her mother is also going through an emotional time and that each may behave in a manner that upsets the other..so they should BOTH try and focus on the life of the grandfather .. think of the ways he has enriched their lives and just the life he lived... focus on HIM .. and not their emotions.. there will be time for that later.
2007-02-11 21:00:33 · answer #1 · answered by ll_jenny_ll here AND I'M BAC 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just be there for your wife, which sounds like the sort of person you already are. Good on for being a loving and caring partner. Your mother-in-laws reaction may be her own sort of way of handling her fathers illness, pending death. People grieve differently from each other. Maybe explain to your mother-in-law that you want to be there. Also your mother-in-law is probably being a typical mother and just worry about you both and what this fianically is doing to you.
I wish you all the best and hope that things will work out for you all.
2007-02-11 23:13:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your wife needs to go see her granddad. If she doesn't, she'll feel worse and have regret. As long as you can afford it without it hurting you to terribly. I think her mom is just trying to be thoughtful, but I know it hurt her. I don't think her mom meant it that way though. This is an adult choice that you and your wife are making and her mom can hopefully let the two of you handle it without making any issue of it. Your wife will love and appreciate you all the more for getting her there before her grandfather passes away and then being with her at his final services. Best wishes to you.
2007-02-11 19:33:25 · answer #3 · answered by Night Wind 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, let me say I`m sorry for your difficulties at this time. Secondly, what you and your wife are doing is absolutely the proper thing that one can do. If your wife and her granddad were close, of course she`d want to see him while he is still alive. It shouldn`t be so difficult for her mother to understand that. Let your wife know that if she really wants to go back for the visit, you stand behind her wishes and her mother has no say so in the matter, case closed. It is between you two to decide what you can or cannot afford. Better to go ahead with your plan, than to be sorry later that she didn`t get to see and say goodbye to her grandfather. My sympathy to you both.
2007-02-11 19:31:25 · answer #4 · answered by flamingo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your wife can't worry about her mother's reaction. Becoming miserable over the way someone else reacts is not the thing to do.
She can go support her mother and the family, and just understand her mother's comments as a concerned parent. Be ready for more criticism, and don't react to it. "Mom, the trip is fine, don't worry. I love you."
There is a reality show about little people "midgets." On one episode the children were fighting, and one son came to the father to tell him about the dispute. Instead of taking sides or getting involved in the problem, the father deflated it.
Son "Dad, brother is riding the tractor too fast and I told him to slow down or he'll get hurt."
Dad "Son, every day you grow up you do more and more things that amaze me. Go down there and show me what you can do."
2007-02-11 18:59:14 · answer #5 · answered by FCabanski 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just be there for her. Let her know if she wants to talk it's alright, but unless you've been through such an experience, by all means do not offer any emotional advice on how she should feel. She will resent the fact that you assume how deeply her feelings are or even what they are. Sometimes it's more important, what you don't say, than what is said. Stay available to listen.
2007-02-11 19:00:15 · answer #6 · answered by smcdevitt2001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you are there to support her all the way! She might be stressing becoz she thinks that u might not be happy about not being able to afford both of you to fly over to england! tell her that its ok that you cant go and that you love her! she will need alot of support so just be there for her! and your sweet you care so much for her! good luck!
Her mum is probably just stressed out bad and rally upset give her space! don't try to force support but just be there when they fall back!
2007-02-11 19:00:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm so sorry on your loss -- dropping a parent is truly complicated. that is organic to experience that loss and vacancy, and to question God. this is crucial which you supply your self lots of time to grieve -- some people discover that making a reminiscence e book is truly powerful. no longer in basic terms of photos, yet to magazine the particular situations you shared, or the humorous or clever issues your dad reported over the years. in the adventure that your grief is purely too overwhelming to handle on my own, i wish you will detect a grief help team the place you may earnings potential from others who've additionally suffered a loss of a kin member. you will experience extra acceptable, I promise -- yet you will likely constantly have a place on your coronary heart that misses your dad (i understand I do after 5 years). and you'd be waiting to hold directly to the fact which you're his ultimate legacy to the worldwide. in case you prefer a source for help good now, i prefer to propose the books via Helen Fitzgerald, between the more suitable therapists who makes a speciality of grief subjects.
2016-09-29 00:06:45 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ask her specifically how you can best support her, she may even tell you. otherwise let her know you are there and be there! don't try to fix things no matter how much you would like to.death is a very personal issue, everyone copes differently. be prepared for a full range of emotion and don't take it personally if some gets directed at you. be strong be there and listen w/o offering solutions. she'll love you for it! my condolences...be well!!
2007-02-11 19:09:05 · answer #9 · answered by _ESP_ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Help her focus on the positive things about her family, about Australia...show her that you can make a family and that people come and go when it is there time..
The best thing you can do for her is listen, and give your shoulder to her to cry on.
2007-02-11 18:57:51 · answer #10 · answered by Steve S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋