how can i forgive and *like* my mom?

Question

How can I get over this?
I was abused as a child, but I can't seem to convince myself that it was real. I tell myself it wasn't even a big deal...that people in the past went through worst, so it is justified. And I turned out fine, so what's the big deal. But sometimes I just really hurt inside, and wish I had a home with a mother who loved me. Sometimes I have memories of the things she did to me, and it hurts so much, because I bet she was stressed. She was a single mother. She was a waiter. She raised my sister and I on her own. I just can't seem to admit that it wasn't my fault, and it's tearing me apart. She's normal now. She eventually went to college and got a better job. Less fiancial strain, I guess. I want to forgive her, because she is okay now. But it is so hard. What do I do?

Some hings she did:
--beat me with fists, broom, anything in reach
--bloody noses
--pull my hair
--bang my head against the wall
--when I was little, I would scratch myself after beatings. I don't know why. when my mom found out, she called me crazy and "helped" me by scratching my neck and back
--tape my mouth shut with tape

Please help. I love her, but I want to *like* her. Counseling is not an option, so don't suggest that.

Thanks.

Answer 1

My father abused me the same way your mother abused you when I was child. He was a single father as well, and I understand how things can be stressful. Especially for a parent who has problems, or maybe issues in the past with Love...and feeling rejected....
I learned to forgive him because I enjoy being the better person. I was angry for many years and realised that the only person I was hurting was myself. By holding on to this anger I was only destroying myself. When I forgave him, I became free of everything.
Who am I to Judge, I tell myself. Only God can Judge us. And all I can do is forgive. Forgive but never forget!

When I say don't forget I mean take the good from the situation. I bet you are a strong young woman just as I am now. And that strongness came from the hardship you experienced as a child. Every experince in our life is a LEARNING experience!!

Answer 2

Well i am sorry but counseling should be an option cause you are a really confused person. With one breath you say that you do not remember what your mother did to you, then you say that you do, Are you going to keep not knowing what your saying. Well you can forgive her,if you want, that is up to you, if you hold what happen to you against her, since now she has aged and is not the same. I had trouble as you did when growing up, but worse, and i have forgiven. I also later found out about her that would explan why she was the way she was. You can find out things, that you did not know, that could of explained why your mother was the way she was. There are things that your mother may of forgotten about her childhood too, there is usually a reason why there is child abuse. It gets passed down generation to generation, and somewhere along the line it has to be stopped, and the next generation, needs not to abuse their childern. So your guess is pretty good, maybe she did just get stressed out trying to raise a couple of kids, and maybe it was a lot of work and stress for her, that could be, but it still is not a reason for her to of hurting her childern. You can yet forgive her, and that is going to be up to you on how you are going to do that, cause that is going to be up to you , and since you do not want to get some counseling, and work through the issues you have with your mother, then i guess you are going to have to find a way to forgive her, and forget. Cause nothing i say, can tell you how to do that. I did not hold it against mine, and i still don't. But then i am a different person then you.....so good luck with it.

Answer 3

Your still young my mom has done drugs all my life and that came before her kids, she pawned are stuff for drugs and we even missed meals sometime. My mother would make me look crazy in front of cops to I think they do it to make them look better. And trust me the cops will always believe your mother over you. Kind of messed up know. I resented her for a couple of years but then realized I only have one mother. I mean hell she is the reason i'm here today. We aren't the closest and don't have this huge mother and daughter relationship but I still love her. Family is everything even if they are damaged. As you grow up you'll learn life is tough as hell and it's not easy to stay on a easy path. Keep the way your mother is in your mind and remind yourself how bad you dislike her for this and hopefully you'll satay on a right path like I have. If you never find forgiveness in your heart for your mother it won't make you a horrible person btw. Sorry your childhood has been like this I know how you feel. God bless you and I hope you know it will get better.

Answer 4

How old are you now? Are you strong enough to confront her and tell her how those things hurt you?

Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive her if you know that what she did to you, was probably done to her. And when she was so stressed out, she didn't know how else to act but the way she learned to react. I'll bet when she thinks back to those days she feels like scum. I'll bet she hopes that you've forgotten those days.

You could ask your mother how her life was when she was the age you were when she was abusing you. YOu might be surprised. She might tell you about her own abuse. Then you'll know that she suffered too. Maybe knowing this, might give you some comfort to realize that she didn't do those things to you because she was just being mean, but because she didn't know how NOT to do them.

You should still get counseling, though, as soon as you can. And definitely BEFORE you have your own kids.

Answer 5

Well...

I can understand your feelings, itz a tough situation to be in.

And yet...dogs/pigz luvz their mom & until certain period they wont leave thier mother's eye sight and i have seen a deer fighting against lion to save itz kid in a discovery channel. Amazing isnt it?

And there is the other part in the world, some moms(family) sells their kids (as young as 5 years old) for very little sum of cash as sex slaves and those kids are forced to have sex without protection.

And think about it, whatz happen for those kidz are worse thn what happend to you. I have seen in CNN a video footage recently where kids are beaten very badly. Itz their mom/dad/family who has done this evil thing to them. And still they are suffering.

In any case, the way you were treated by ur mom is not the way it shud b. Infact, i feel extremely sorry for you. There cud b million reasonz behind for what she did & ofcoz itz not justified.

But pls dont give a damn.

You are grown up in a modern world where you can witness many tragedy.

But what really matters is that you understood what she did is wrong & she is normal now. So,

You can chose to forgive her/like her/love her

Or

You can chose to leave her/file a case/or just live with those bad incidents in ur mind

If you chose to do the first than there is a difference betwen the character of ur mom & u.

If u trust god then

God will forgive if you have done anything wrong to any1 or he'll bless u a lot & keep in his loving care coz god luvs those who has a heart of forgiveness.

But if u chose to hate her or u luvz but dont like her. Itz no problem either but it does place u in the same position where ur mom waz in when she abused u.

Itz ur mom. You can forgive her if she is alright & ofcoz it wud be gradual process to develop your feelings to like her. But its worth to try & make sure that u dont do the same to ur kidz.

But in any case, if ur heart hates even a bit or beginz to hate, i wud advise u to leave somewhere u can sit & assess the situation. Coz thatz the ideal way to come out from ur present circumtances coz if u let hatefulness in ur heart then it'll grow up more & @ once stage it'll bring very bad consequences.

Whatever u chose 2 do.

Luv ur self & others.

Cheers.

Answer 6

Sorry to hear all that,If counseling is out,get a journal and write down everything.What you were feeling,what she was mad about,if you know. Keep this journal for future. You said"I turned out just fine". I don't think your not fine,but you are asking us right now to help you.If you go to church talk with the minister.
But,whatever you do,if it is cry,cry,if your angry let it out.People hold the crying in and it manifest itself as pain.
Your mom remembers I guarantee it.I am sure she didn't want to hurt you,but she didn't know how to deal with anger,hurt pain. If alcohol was an issue,I can only say,enough said..You both will feel better if you discuss any of this.Wait until you are stronger mentally and your older........

Answer 7

Have you talked to her? Have you faced her with these actions? You said counseling isn't an option, but, How you gonna work this out without the help of a professional? What's wrong with the experts' counseling? What happened with your dad? Was he aware about this? Did he ever knew? Have you talked recently with him about it? There are a few steps to help your self out, but you need the expert hand of a therapist to drive through these steps. Good luck.

Denial won't help you, but any ways as a social worker I advised you in the best interest for you, is up to you not up to us the resolution of your life.

Answer 8

Don't make excuses for her what she did to you,was wrong. Did she ever say she was sorry or even reconized that she had a problem?
Have you ever talked to her about it? Maybe its time to open up and tell her how you feel don't feel afraid too. You know your the better person by wanting to forgive her for the pain inflicted on you.
Its going to take time for you to trust her again but give it time and the wounds will heal up.

Answer 9

It will be very complicated for you to love your mother as she has done so many bad things to you. Yes, you can simply forgive her, but your momories of her cannot be erased. This is a difficult situation for you, but don't get down on yourself, sweetie, it wasn't your fault for hating your mother or having a hard time loving her again; she caused such inconvenience... Unfortunately, you will never LOVE your mother the way a mother is deserved to be loved, and that will not be your fault... It is something you cannot change, your mother installed this inside of your heart, so basically you can't avoid these things... It is a mother responsiblity for her child to love her, not yours, so I would suggest you to move on with your life and learn from what your mother did to you to pass on a better life to your children.

Answer 10

Try this for at least 30 days: Every time you think of your mom say these words to yourself: I love you and I forgive you. When you do this you're sending those thoughts through you, blessing you with these thoughts while blessing her. That's proven to help.

Another method is this: consider everything that has happened until now As If it's a book you and she have written together. You can close that book and put it on a shelf. It's always there to review if you choose and it's up to you if to ever open it again. As of the moment you put that book on the shelf, see yourself as beginning to write a new book, based on the present and your future relationship. No past memories need to go in your new book since they're stored in the one you've put on the shelf. You can do this symbolically, in your mind, or you can actually begin to write one in a journal.

All anger stems from flawed expectations. We all expect to have happy childhood memories and we may assume others do - yet we don't. When one's been abused happy memories are flawed expectations and we feel angry, betrayed, unworthy of better. To let go flawed expectations helps us let go root causes of anger. Once we do that we can build a healthier relationship based on what's happening now. Love often eludes us when we're angry.

Another method which can help is to get a bottle of blow-bubbles and find an area where you can quietly enjoy blowing bubbles. As you blow air into each bubble, through a straw, waving a wand or using a plastic bubble-pipe, put all of your hurtful memories from your past into those beautiful, iridescent spheres and watch as they float away from you. As each bubble bursts, old memories are released. As memories re-surface, re-play your bubble ritual in your mind, envisioning them floating away in a bubble. Do this as often as feels good. Blowing bubbles can soothe and heal our inner child.

Also, find a photo of you as a child [or one from a magazine that reminds you of you] and put it on your mirror. Every day as you look into your mirror, look at that photo and tell the child in it how much you love it. Tell it you'll keep it safe and secure, you'll hold it when it cries and kiss it when it hurts. You're the loving mother to your inner-child. You're the mother you wish she'd had growing up but that was then. This is now. She's always safe with you. It is called mirror-talk by some and inner-child work by others. It's remarkably effective when done daily and with genuine sincerity.

These have all been used with success in counseling sessions, as has/have positive imagery, positive affirmations, self-talk and guided mediations using a CD or cassette tape. There are many tools available which can benefit you in therapeutic ways. Book stores have shelves of self-help tools. Public libraries carry a few and can order inter-library loan copies, if needed. Good luck to you in this. Deciding to take action by asking how to begin is a giant step in the right direction. Love yourself more. When you love yourself and truly like yourself, loving and liking any other person is always easier.