My 20 year old son is in jail for stealing from us; should we leave him there or drop the charges?

Question

His excuse for stealing from us: I was doing drugs and made poor choices. He stole stuff from us as recent as a week ago. The total of the stolen items is almost $5,000. He pawned the stuff to buy drugs. He does not sound remorseful or sorry about what he has done. Says that if we get him out, he can pay to get our stuff out of the pawn shop. The police say we either have to pay the pawn shop back what they paid our son or take them to court to get the stuff back that hasn't been sold yet. He has been stealing our stuff for the last 2 months but doing it in a way that it wasn't noticeable till last week. When we realized our stuff had been stolen he told the police about anyone he thought may have stolen the stuff. I feel he should stay in jail and do time - maybe it would be the wakeup call he needs. My husband doesn't want us to be the ones to file the charges. Wants to get him out, let him steal from someone else - then let them file charges so we haven't put him away.

Answer 1

Sounds like he's gotten used to being bailed out. Your son has a drug problem. He needs rehab. My brother went through the same thing when he was about your son's age. He spent 6 months in jail and it made him think he was a tough guy. It wasn't until he got arrested again and even his drug addict friends wouldn't hang around him anymore did he finally go into rehab. He has been clean for 21 years. You both need to cut him loose and stop rescuing him. Eventually he will save himself...or not. Either way it's not your fault or your responsibility to protect him anymore. Let him know you love him and encourage him to take responsibility for his own actions. You support and encourage him, but he has to earn your trust back.

Answer 2

I had an ex-boyfriend who did the same thing to his parents. He's done it too many times to count. The first time they didn't file charges and sent him to rehab. He convinced everyone that he was clean when he got out(this was the time period when we dated), but was far from it. He had already pawned everything he owned, so he stole from them again and again, they did not file charges but sort of put him on an in-house lockdown and they paid his friends to "druggiesit" him when they went on vacation. The friends have never spoken to him since. He eventually went to jail for a short period on a burglary charge, he got clean for a long period of time, found religion, etc. Last I heard, he's back on drugs again. I know it's tough, but if you put him in jail while he's young maybe it will give him an awakening. If you fail to file charges, he eventually will get caught by someone else but will it be before it's too late? Something to think about.

Answer 3

Tuff love is hard. He'll say whatever it takes to get him out. He's sneaky and coniving obviously. Let the charges stick. If he's truly sorry he'll understand. Maybe not now because he's detoxing but to have a clean son is the best thing you can do for him. I had to do it to my child and it was one of the hardest things I ever did but he is a better person and knows why I did what I did and owns his mistakes. Visit him and assure you still love him. It broke my heart to see him that way 14 and at Christmas but it also sent a message to my other children. Good luck. You may even be saving his LIFE. I only wish more parents care as much as you do. Our world is in shambles because of the ones who want to leave it to the world to fix our kids. Love him enough to help him and you'll never go wrong!

Answer 4

I think in my personal opinion you are right, its time your son gets the wake up call that he can be caught and put behind bars for committing a crime, i think ur husbands side of the argument is not right because next time your son steals from someone else and they press charges and he goes to jail , the pain will bear up on you even more, now you can think of it like a punishment you gave your son to make him a better person in life...

So don't worry you have made the right decision and i am sure your son would later appreciate what you have done for him though he might sulk at you... For the better good you are right....

Answer 5

Do your son a favor and yourself. File the charges and keep him in jail. Then go to the pawn shop and buy those items that they still have and you want. You file the charges even if your husband won't. I have the idea the reason your son is where he is in his life is because he hasn't had enough discipline and guidance in his life (from your pansy husband who wants to be a best bud and not a father)

Answer 6

Firstly I would ask him what drugs he was doing and if he wanted to get off them... If he honestly wants to get off them I would look into rehab programs around to see if theres one where he can't just up and leave. I would only drop charges if he agreed to rehab & stayed. The problem is not the stealing it's the drugs.. As long as he's still an addict he will continue to steal from anyone & everyone. By dropping the charges and letting him get off he will see you as a soft touch and more than likely hurt you again. YES he's your son but he's also a person who is capable of making their own mistakes and learning from them. Good Luck.

Answer 7

I think this is a terrible situation, but you are doing the right thing. If your son is to do some time, he might be sober long enough to realize the error of his ways and learn how to make wise choices. If you bail him out, you are simply enabling him, and he might become worse after his being freed. Sadly, this happens very often as people who are under the influence tend to be irrational and sometimes violent. A friend of mine was in the same situation and after his parents bailed him out, he wound up getting killed in a high speed chase running from the police. Tough love is sometimes the best thing for people facing addiction.

Answer 8

All those are good answers. I'd let him stay in jail if he were my son. The drugs are like a monkey on his back and he can't shake it. He needs to detox and get professional help. Bringing him back home will put him right back where he was with the stealing, but this time with your "permission."
Use tough love. Sometimes grown kids need a kick in the pants.

Answer 9

Stealing is illegal...theft is a crime and there is a reason why laws are in place to protect citizens. Does your son feel entitled to your belongings? Also, I would worry as to why on earth your husband would prefer someone else get stolen from so he doesn't have to be the one to go thru with the charges? What if someone gets hurt?

Answer 10

Leave him in jail and let him pay the price of being so ridiculous . This is more than just Penny-Anni theft . This is down right atrocious . The fact that he is not sorry for what he has done is a big clue as to how far gone he is . A parents number one job is to stand up to their children and show them right from wrong . His POOR CHOICES are what put him there, not his parents . Stand strong and don't give in to them .