Boyfriend advice needed from men and women's perspective? What should I do??

Question

My boyfriend doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day because his Dad died on that day about 5 or 6 years ago. He was actually raised by his mom and had just started to develop a relationship with his father maybe a year or two before he died. I am not selfish at all and I've told him that as long as it takes for him to grieve I don't mind. So, we don't even bring up V-day at all, but what I'm wondering is what I should do to help him. Or what you would do in this situation. Most people say Valentines Day is a womens holiday anyway and I wouldn't really mind getting something but I don't want to seem insensitive to his feelings asking what about me. I asked him the other day what if I wanted something one day for Valentines Day and he was like what day?? He just kinda ignored the whole thing. He told me that he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings about that day or his father so he just doesn't talk about it. What would you do?

Answer 1

You should ask him what he feels comfortable talking about and take it from there. Let him know that he shouldn't keep those feelings bottled up and talking about it would only make him feel better. If refuses to at least talk about the situation or his feelings, I really don't know what else to say.

Answer 2

Your boyfriend needs to talk to someone. The process of grieving can take a long time - however it seems like he is not really progressing at all to a space where he can reconcile what has happened and move on.

It is hard to suggest counselling to some guys as they really take it as an insult rather than an invitation to solve a problem. Particularly when they really need it.

I don't know if you can do anything about this if he doesn't want to talk about it. Try talking to him about his dad on Valentines Day and do something together to remember him.

As for not celebrating Valentine's Day maybe you could resolve this is by setting up another date every year where you guys appreciate each other and spend some real time together. It will mean more than a commercialised day anyway.

Answer 3

How sad that your boyfriends' father died on Valentines Day. There is something that you could do. Do something special that will honour the memory of his father. Maybe you could talk to your friend about that and it could be a tradition that will help him to work out his grief. Our youngest son died when he was 31; he would have been 41 in January. At first we did some of the things that he liked to do and it helped us a lot. We also went a step further by giving money to "Sleeping Children Around the World." They provide sleeping bags, clothing and personal items. John loved children and would have made a good Dad had he lived. We did this in memory of John--a two fold purpose that it helped needy children. Is there a charity that his father was fond of? Give to that. There are any number of things that can be done to honour the memory of a loved one. God Bless you and I hope that you can come up with something special. I know you will.

Answer 4

I would ask him if he thought his father would want him to cut out a whole day of every year, becasue he can't deal with his feelings. I would also tell him that life doesn't stop when someone dies, & if he learned anything from his fathers death, it should have been to embrace life, & live it to the fullest. That includes celebrating the holidays including Valentines day, with the one that you love.

Answer 5

I think he needs his space here. This is his way of dealing with his grief. Instead of focusing on missing out on Valentines Day, why not play up Sweetest Day! (Oct. 15th) Focus on other dates to celebrate. The anniversary of your first date, or first kiss, or make your own holiday that is yours and his alone. Name it "Our Day" and do something romantic for each other. Remember, the calendar doesn't have to dictate what days have to be special.

As for helping him, just love him. Respect his feelings toward that day and I think that alone is the best any loving person can do.

Answer 6

If he refuses to speak or talk about his fathers death, you could be waiting the rest of YOUR life for him to deal with it and NEVER be able to celebrate V-Day !!! The decesion is in your hands... It is YOUR life that may be effected for ever over something he refuses to deal with.... YOU can NOT make him deal with but you can help him by gently forcing the issue.... and that is the tricky part, you could push him to hard to fast..... *sigh*.... speaking to his mother might help or not... I do not know what kind of mother or woman she is..... Does she encourage him to not talk about father ? or is she the type you could go to and the 2 of you sit him down and talk as a unit ?? I am afraid that unless mom does help there is not much hope of YOU being able to help at this point...... We all have to deal with lose in our own way and at our own pace, the sad fact is that the other ppl involved have to decide if they can stick with the one who is grieving and for how long..... and what they are willing to put up with during the greif...... wish I could say those magic words but there are none..... search your heart........ God bless

Answer 7

If you truely love him, it doesn't matter!! Valentine's day has turned into a Hallmatk holiday... its all about what present you get! Its supposed to be about celebrating the person you love!! If you love him then do a silent celebration for his love in your heart!!!

Answer 8

It looks as though there is a conflict of issues here. He has his emotional reaction to the date, you have your emotional reaction to the date. And it's not a question of which of you is correct. So, communicate. Talk to him about your feelings and ask him about his. Tell him you want to respect his feelings and ask him how he would like you to demonstrate your feelings. Then ask him if he can respect your feelings what ideas he might have to honor your feelings. The danger here is in trying to evaluate the relative significance of each others feelings...and the truth is both feelings have equal validity, because they are personal to each. Good luck.

Answer 9

instead of celebrating val's day, show your understanding by helping him heal. a very close friend of mine lost her father on st. patricks day, which used to be her favorite holiday, now instead of celebrating st. paddy's day w/ her we use it to remember why she loved her father, and why he loved her then we make a trip to his grave site with flowers, now its gone back to being her favorite day again. you just have to know when your helping and when you aren't, if he becomes hostile back off a bit, then when he's not so hostile, try to bring it up, if he continues to shut down at your suggestions then decide if this is something you can get over or not.

Answer 10

time heals all wounds....don't push him if he is not ready...you can celebrate some other day and that way it will be more special to you because it will be your day. I'm not talking about your anniversary either...just pick a random date where you can celebrate it as V.D.