How do I tell my future mother-in-law to quit planning my wedding for me??

Question

My future mother-in-law has already planned my wedding without my knowledge. She looked at the ideas I had and said that my ideas wouldn't work as she is inviting 43 of her "close" friends to the wedding and that the places I had picked were too small. (My fiance and I were planning on only having about 40-60 guests total) Both my fiance and I have constantly told her that this is our wedding and not hers but we appreciate her ideas and input. She would just tell us that she planned her wedding herself and knows what she is doing.
I told her about some dresses I tried on and the different colors I was thinking of. Her response to me was "Those colors look awful on you!" She hasn't even seen them!! She makes me feel stupid! I don't want to make her angry to the point she won't talk to me or my fiance but I don't want her planning my wedding!! My fiance and I have tried being nice, and it didn't work. She has contacted a bunch of vendors/friends already. I don't know what to do!

Answer 1

I had a similiar problem. Then I realized that it was MY fault that my future in-law was taking over so much, because I didn't take control of things myself. Below are the three things for you to do.

First, stop discussing your ideas with her. She doesn't need to see what you're planning or picking out, and you don't need her feedback or approval. If she brings it up, just say you don't want to talk about it. She can't complain about your plans if she doesn't know what they are.

Second, tell her that she can invite X number of people. If she gives you a list that has more names than that, tell her you and your fiance will cut the list randomly until it has X number of people.

Third, let her contact all the vendors she wants! The most she could do is get herself into a contract with one of them, not you. You only have to work with the vendors YOU hire.

Answer 2

Oi! Your MIL to be sounds like a REAL pistol!!

My MIL tried to run the show when I got married. Her "tips" were starting to get a little annoying, and if I would have let her, I would have had a carbon copy of my SIL's wedding.

You can always smile at her and tell her if she would like to pay for the entire wedding herself, you'll be happy to let her take the wheel and plan your day. (And if she does, well, then that's less money you have to spend, which is nice.)

If she's insistent that she knows what she's doing, tell her you are certain she does, but you would like to learn by making your OWN mistakes. Take the information she's gathered and thank her for doing the legwork for you, and then tell her you have something else in mind. Be direct, be clear (the more you sugar-coat, the more likely your message will be lost!) but above all else, remain respectful (even if you have to grit your teeth!). It will make a world of difference in the end.

Then, seriously, let her plan something. At the end of the day, please try to remember that your MIL just wants to feel a part of the day. This is only one day, and there is absolutely, positively NOTHING (NOT ONE THING!) worth a blow-out with your in-laws - they're going to be around long after this day is nothing but a happy memory. Find something you are willing to relinquish control of and let her feel like she's helping you. Let her pick a reading or design your program. Let her pick the flowers that will be on the altar. Show her your wedding dress (that you've already picked out, of course!), and invite her for a fitting. Let her pick the favors, some music at the church before the wedding starts - something. Ask her if she has any little mementos from her wedding day - a ribbon from her bouquet, perhaps, that you can work into your OWN bouquet.

With any luck, letting her feel like she's helped you will take the pressure off of everything else. It worked for me!!

Good luck!

Answer 3

Your fiance needs to sit her down and tell her flat out that she can't plan a wedding for you. She can contact all the vendors she wants, that doesn't mean that your wedding is going to be there or utilize their services. Also he needs to inform her that she can invite X number of people to your wedding and no more. The only person entitled to an opinion on your wedding gown is you. I'm not the type of person who thinks that a wedding is all about the bride; BUT the gown is. She doesn't have to like your wedding gown; you do. You keep being polite to her and let your fiance deal with his mom.

Answer 4

I had this happen too! My MIL had already chosen a church and reception site after just a mention of where we were planning. I talked to my then fiancee and he was behind any decision I made. So, I simply smiled and would tell my mother, I'll think about it, then went about doing everything myself and TELLING her what would happen. I did not give her invitations to fill out, nor did ask for a list. I TOLD her we had a list and would making out the invitations ourselves. (We also wanted small, no more than 75 and she'd have had us have 200 or 300 as with her daughter's wedding!) I took my mother with me for my dress and told my fiancee he would wear a black tux (and went with the guys when they picked it out b/c she was going). (She wanted him to wear white - ugh - I didn't want her to pressure him into it..)

I just went about planning and gave her the information as I chose my vendors. Make sure your hubby to be is supportive of you and you shouldn't have a problem. Good luck!

P.S. The good news is my MIL and I get along well now and only had a few bumps during pregnancy and after the birth of son #1 - and yes it will probably happen again with her trying to take some control when you are PG.

Answer 5

You didn't say who is paying for the wedding, if she is then you must give her some choices to make as it is her money, but when it comes to your choice of colors and your dress you should by all means stand firm on this. If you and your future husband are footing the bill then tell her politely that you appreciate her input and will take some of her suggestions into consideration, and try to use a few of her ideas as this will keep her on your good side. This same rule goes for the guest list, she pays, she get to invite whomever she wants, and if you guys are paying then it's your list, but try to give her a number that she can invite. Try to be nice but don't let her walk all over you and you need to tell your intended to speak up to his mother on your behalf. Good luck, and Best Wishes to You and Your Fiance'.

Answer 6

I'm afraid you have two choices:
1. Give in to your mother in law and just let her run the show
2. Stand up to your mother in law and risk hurting her feelings

From the tone of your question, it sounds like #1 is out of the question (as it should be). In my opinion there's no way around it. You *and* your fiancee are going to have to sit your mother in law down and have a long, frank talk with her. Tell her that you will no longer be seeking her advice on your wedding and that she is not allowed to invite *anyone* to *your* wedding. Tell her that you tried to include her in the planning, but she has abused your goodwill to the point where you simply can't allow her to be involved *at all* in the planning anymore.

It's going to be painful. She is going to say awful hurtful things. Controlling people don't like having control taken away from them. She may even hold a grudge for a while. You *and* your fiancee need to be prepared for that.

I think you'll find it's worth it. You should also be aware that conrolling people don't suddenly become non-controlling. She is going to try to control your lives every step of the way once you get married. This is a battle you're going to have to fight over and over again. Be ready.

Also, make sure your fiancee is 100% behind you on this. If he's going to undermine you with your mother in law, it's better you find this out now, before you marry into this family.

Answer 7

Money talks. He who pays has the final say. That being said, a marriage and wedding are also a celebration of family. This is the first of many times when you will have to navigate the decision making process. My suggestion is to make a list of the five most important things about your wedding day. Make sure you stay focused on those...and let people bless you any way they want that doesn't interfere with those things (BTW if your groom doesn't make the list, run). Never talk with immediate family until you have talked it out with a close girlfriend (take the emotion out of it so that you can stay calm and stay on topic.....once you are clear about what you want, all you do is keep calmly repeating....there are only 50 seats, my mom has 25 and your family has 25...and then no matter what else is being said you repeat the montra...there are only 50 seats..etc. etc. Be sure to find something that you DO like about your mom-in-laws suggestions--she is marrying a son and she wants the world to know how proud he has been making her and how cute he is ever since he was 3!!! Keep in mind that the stress you have is ALL GOOD STRESS!! I had to remind my daughter that wedding ideas are all blessings...everyone has their own idea about how to make it special for you and it can be overwhelming to be receiving so much abundance....but it is abundance....its a choice between 2 or even 10 choices all of which will make for a wonderful wedding day....50 people or 500, wedding cake or none, with horses, a trolley or rental cars....it is still about spending the rest of your life with your hubby and honoring the both of you and your families. How important is it? dont take a stand on something just because.....pick your fights.....does it affect your top five? who is paying for it? can you at least be willing to honestly consider "it" as a possibility? even if it is something I never thought of before? (pondering is not doing, just be open and teachable)....Your mother in law can plan all day long. I am glad she is excited and interested. I am a bit obsessive about these things myself.....I make lists and find pictures and cut out magazines for my daughter...I don't actually expect her to use any of them..I am just excited and have extra energy that I put to use that way.... Is there something that you could put in charge of? Let her channel that excitement into something. But really dear, once you get a few basics in place there won't be much to debate. Get your venue and then she can plan all she wants for that place. Again, who is paying? Her excitement in the brainstorming part of planning a wedding may give way to something much more practical once you start actually paying $50 a seat to set this all up. I am sure your mother in law does know what she is doing....and you are the only one who knows whether her intent is good or she is just a steam roller either way, learn this visualization: Before you meet with her, picture her in an orange t-shirt with a big propeller beanie (the beanie is to remind you to smile and not to poke fun at her)... the t-shirt reads the truth: I WANT TO IMPRESS THE BINGO LADIES.....or maybe I WANT THE VERY BEST FOR MY SON AND I SAY CRAZY THINGS....or maybe I AM AN OPINIONATED OOF I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK.....then let her do what she does...and again, smile. Tell her how much you love her son and how cute you think he is....and go about your business. People show us who they are, but we keep expecting them to be different. Expect her to be exactly the way she is....find a way to use her strengths and to celebrate her....she is your mom now, too. Ask your fiance how to handle her....he probably has a secret weapon for getting his own way. So you might just say "mike" a lot.... Mike says 50 people. Mike says no church. Mike says green...and I already gave into him. You can also say my goodness that sounds wonderful, but my heart is set on green. Tell her how much you wish you could have 3 weddings so that all her friends could be there and every last one of your friends and relatives could have exactly what they want...but you suppose mike would never stand for having 2 more grooms....lol.... keep your sense of humor.... be gentle with yourself and those around you....its all new.

Answer 8

Start planning your wedding just you and your man.

Be stern with her. Tell her you appreciate her input but you and your groom are the ones that decide.

She can contact vendors all she wants. Just let her know that the ceremony will be where YOU TWO want it to be. Point out that she may schedule with venues but no one will be there because they will be at your wedding which is at another location.

Be stern and put your foot down. How this goes will dictate how the rest of your time together will be with the MIL. You let her control things she will control your life. You put your foot down and tell her to butt out of the planning she won't walk all over you two.

Answer 9

You need to have your fiance straighten her out!! Since it is his family, it becomes his responsibility. Do not worry about her never talking to the two of you again, she will get over it. You on the other hand may never get over not having the wedding that you dreamed of. This is your day! Do it how you want, and dont let anyone make decisions for you. Put your foot down and say "too damn bad!"

Answer 10

Both of you are going to have to just be stern with her. Tell her again that you appreciate her help but from here on out you two are going to make all of the decisions. If you do not like the vendors that she's called, just call them up and cancel with them. It may also help if another family member tries to talk with the mother in law too.