Is it wrong to expect RSVP's?

Question

My RSVP's are due back next weekend. I've gotten all but 2 back from my side of the invite list. My fiance', who had way more people due to have a huge family, had only gotten 3 back. That puts 60 people up in the air.

My fiance' was talking to his parents tonight about this & mentioned he'd have to call people after the due date so we can get a number. They find this rude. Also, they've spoken to some family members & who said they see no point why we need them because we should "know they are coming." They are a close family & think because they basically always attend family events we should assume they are coming. Of course there are problems because we can't guess how many. For example, his sister & her son are coming, but her husband doesn't always come to events, so he is up in the air. That's when an RSVP is helpful to me.

I guess my question is do you think it's unreasonable to expect RSVP's in a close family? They are offended & I'm confused about why really.

RSVP's were expected...I included stamped RSVP cards & the date we needed them. And I think it's a fair guess that they know they are expected due to them wondering why I'm insulting them with having to RSVP at all. :)

Wanted to add...it will have to be us calling since we have no wedding party, it's just us. :)

And I wanted to mention I'm not sad or hurt or anything along those lines (come on, I'm use to these people by now anyway), I just wanted to know if I was in the wrong to expect some communication since so many seem to think we "should just know" they are attending.

Answer 1

If you requested people RSVP then they should do so. If you did not request it, then they've no reason to assume you need to know who or how many are coming.

I am with you though...if the invite said RSVP then NO ONE should take the attitude of "I always go to those events so they'll know I'm coming". It takes very little time/effort to respond to an invite, but a LOT of time for the host(s) to have to contact a number of people because those folks don't have the courtesy to reply as the invitation requested.

Sounds like his family needs some lessons in etiquette.

Answer 2

It is not rude to expect an RSVP, whether in a close family or not. What IS rude is when an RSVP is requested and those being invited don't RSVP. Close family members don't necessarily have to send back the little card that comes with wedding invitations. They can simply call or e-mail the bride and groom that they will be attending. You are NOT being unreasonable or rude to request an RSVP from anyone on your invitation list. When planning a wedding and reception, it's helpful to have an approximate number of how many people will be coming. I will give you an example as to why:

My nephew and his wife got married in Las Vegas back in early November. While the wedding was at a wedding chapel, the reception was at a very nice restaurant. They had an arrangement for a buffet meal of high quality food. They had to pay a flat fee to have it served in this way, but then they were also charged per person. Because my nephew and his wife were on a very tight budget, they couldn't afford to just "assume" that certain people would attend, just because they didn't RSVP and they were family members. In fact, sadly, many family members who they thought would attend did not, because the wedding was simply too far away. My nephew received very few RSVP's from anyone who was invited. When the total bill came, it came to about $100 more than they budgeted for. Why? Because since they got very few RSVP's, they figured those who didn't call or send in the RSVP card wouldn't be coming, so they paid for only those people that they knew would be coming, and allowed for about 10 extra people, just in case. Well, people who they thought would come (family) DIDN'T come, and some people who weren't even invited came. Some people who came brought extra guests that weren't even planned for, and these same people who came WERE invited, but didn't bother to RSVP. They weren't expected to come, AND they brought extra guests with them. My poor nephew's wife began to stress out on her wedding day because they didn't have the money in their budget to account for this extra added expense. I, and a few other people, chipped in some money to help defray the costs, and my sister and her husband (my nephew's parents) paid the rest.

My point? An RSVP is important when you have to take into account how many people you will have to pay for. Not notifying someone that you are coming or not coming is rude, especially when those sending out the invitations need to plan and have to know how many people will be attending. Your fiance's family is being unreasonable when they say that you both should "know they are coming", without having confirmation. Things happen - plans change. People shouldn't ever assume anything.

If they are offended, then they are out of line, because you are the ones entitled to be offended for their lack of manners and etiquette. You have done nothing wrong.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. May you have a beautiful wedding and a wonderful life together!! Forget about these folks. They'll get over it. It's your day. Enjoy it.

Answer 3

No, it's definitely not wrong to expect RSVPs. If you ask for them, then it's rude for people not to return them. That said, I think in this case you're either going to have to call all these people or you're going to have to make an educated guess about how many are coming. You may have to guess even after you've made the phone calls. I really feel bad for you. Be as polite as you can when you call the people and try not to get upset if they're rude to you (I really hope they won't be). Or I guess you could just make an agreement with your fiance's parents that they will guess how many people from their side will come and they can pay for the plates for whoever doesn't show up, but I'm not sure how to say that tactfully, and you definitely don't want to alienate his parents right off the bat. Good luck to you!!

Answer 4

They obviously don't know the first thing about what is required.
For you, yes, it is absolutely essential that everyone sends an RSVP (in writing, not just verbally). It is vital you have a written list of who is coming so that you can plan for seating, food, etc. You should not have even one person 'up in the air'.

I wonder how they would feel if you did not send them an invitation at all, just assuming that of course they will be coming.

You have been good enough to provide the RSVPs for them. "You should know they are coming" indeed! What is wrong with these people? Don't they get out much?

I'm getting quite angry just thinking about it!

Ring them up and insist!!!
.

Answer 5

i am so glad to hear you ask this. my 2 girls were recently married and we had the same problem. I was appalled at the etiquette of people thses days. We had the same responses from people you had. We did have to call people (esp. family and those we were sure would be attending) as we had to give the caterer a head count a week out. It is not unreasonable to expect RSVP's from anyone . It is very rude of people not to check off the little box and stick it back in the mail. Like you, we had a fair idea who would be there but we also wanted to allow for enough food. Close family or friend, they should send in their card. Hope your wedding is fantastic.

Answer 6

No, you are not wrong to expect them! Just like his family says "you should know" they are coming, they "should know" that when an RSVP card is stamped and included with the invitation, it is expected to be returned. His family is making a lot of work for you guys. Because now you have to call them. I will assume they have never gone to a formal event such as a wedding, since they are obviously oblivious to social norms and customs. They have zero right to be offended in any way! They must think you are a psychic and would know who was planning to show and who wasn't. Good luck to you with this family! God Bless

Answer 7

IF you took the time and expense to have RSVP cards printed, and you stamped them , then YES, the guests, including family members should send them back, what, were they raised in a barn? Are you and your future husband paying for this wedding/reception? If you overpay for the final count with your caterer, you will not receive a refund of anykind. If your fiancee's parents would be willing to pay you two back the diference for any over spending on catering plate costs, if these people do not show, then I'd say sure, go ahead and pay. If not, then I would call the missing RSVP guests as a courtesy, just to confirm their attendance, and tell them you are looking forward to seeing them.

Answer 8

Anyone who takes offense at an RSVP is ignorant about the most basic elements of etiquette. It is unbelievably rude to ignore an RSVP request for any invitation that has been issued, but even more so when the host/hostess has to provide a guest count in order to provide meals. In particular, if you are doing assigned seating with place cards, you ABSOLUTELY need to know not only how many but who is coming. I don't care how close a family is, that is no excuse to assume you're psychic and it's presumptious that you'r just going to cough up the money for so many meals without verification of how many people fully intend to be there. Your fiance's mother needs to be educated. She obviously has no experience in such things beyond informal get-togethers and potlucks.

Answer 9

No, it's not wrong to expect RSVPs. It's common courtesy for people to tell you whether or not they are coming to an event. My brother and sister in law went through the same thing with their wedding. They were calling people 3 weeks before their wedding date, and a couple of people didn't bother to show up after the said they would.

Answer 10

They should have let you know either way, there is no such thing as "assuming they will be coming". Go ahead and call them, your in laws are mad if they think that is offencive. If you included stamped and addressed RSVP cards then how hard would it be for them to send that back? It's so rude that they have not bothered. Just make a friendly call and say "We're just finalising our numbers and wanted to check that you would be there to celebrate with us". How could they be offended at that?