dads and family problems at birth?

Question

when my now ex-girlfriend was in hospital giving birth yo our twins, her mother told the nurses to call her when it was time for the birth. only 1 birthing partner was allowed and i was not called, i was delberatley excluded from the birth and although this was 10years ago, there is not a day go by where my hatred for her and sheer upset still burns deep, ive never forgotten it. Why did she steal my 'father' moment? would other women have let their mothers push out the father of their kids or is it really my ex i should blame for letting it happen? i knew nothing and went home after being told nothing would happen that night, then later she was induced and her mother was called. should i carry a vendetta on my shoulder to pay back when the moment is right and tell everyone what she did, or is it really nothing? i still feel livid, upset and hurt about it. any ideas?

Answer 1

i think that you have a right to be angry, and you should have said something when it happened rather than harboring these feelings inside for ten years. If your still 'livid' about it i don't think 'pay back' will make you feel any better, the only thing that will probably help your anger would be to tell them how it made you feel and ask them why they did what they did, talk it out with them and move on. it's not healthy to hold that anger inside

Answer 2

As I understand it, she 's not your wife now. If she's your ex-girlfriend why are you still bothered by something that happened 10 years ago. You need to let go of it and if that doesn't work, next time when you see her, just tell her politely that you cannot forgive her for not being able to witness the birth of your twins and then let it go. Feeling livid, upset etc. is hurting you more then you know. And she is totally unaware of what she did to you, that you still carry this thing around with you and she lives happily ever after, while you're ruining your health with hatred. It's totally wasted energy.
and it's time to move on.

Answer 3

Unfortunately mothers and daughters bond more when the daughter is pregnant, and it's hard to tell a mother it's not her place for much of anything, The anger that you feel may come from a real source for you, but hanging on to it isn't going to change anything.
I ended up with a similar situation there is a book/tape called how to let go of hate. I've heard if you are open to the idea it's quite helpful, I've enclosed a link for you.

Answer 4

I hate to say it but she could have wanted her mom for comfort. I know when I gave birth I really wanted someone that would be there for me and not the kid coming out of me, which is why i wanted my hubby there (my mom and I don't get along very well). He is in medical school but he wasn't there to think like a doctor, he was there to think like a husband. When I told him I was scared he held my hand and told be that he was there for me and kissed my forehead. When I started bleeding, he was there to reassure me. It may have nothing to do with her wanting to deny you a "father moment" and instead might be about your ex's fears during that moment.

And if you start to tell me that she is a "strong woman" and "independent" then I am going to tell you that I was totally not scared about giving birth until that moment came. You were not married to her, so she didn't REALLY know she could rely on you. Her mother on the other hand has ALWAYS been there for her and she could be trusted explicitly.

Answer 5

The decision on who was to be there was your ex's. Wether she was strong enough emotionally to tell her mother no is another question. Her mother may also have told her that you didn't WANT to be there. This is all assuming the ex was an adult at the time. I'm not sure about the answer if she wasn't, although it still SHOULD have been the ex's decision, if she were a minor that choice may have been taken from her.

Answer 6

Maybe it was because you left the hospital. Giving birth is terrifying, especially your first time. When I was having my daughter, all I wanted was my mom with me. I knew she would understand the struggle of giving birth far more than my daughters father would. She held my hand, encouraged me and made me feel much more calm about the whole experience. Needless to say, my mom is still around and a fantastic grandmother, my daughters father? Haven't seen him since my daughter was 4 weeks old. So obviously, I made the right choice in who I wanted there to support me. I have since remarried and am expecting again and as much as I love my husband, I still want my mom there when I give birth to this one.

Answer 7

Tell her how it made you feel. While there is nothing you can do about it now, letting out your anger might be helpful. Tell her you can't seem to let go of this anger towards her for her taking away your major milestone in your life. You may feel better getting it out.

Answer 8

You do realize you are speaking about the mother of your children? How exactly do you plan to get her back? How would these babies you i guess love so much?

And can you be anymore selfish? Did she conciously decide not to invite you, or was she focused on something else perhaps. I dont know...bringing your kids in the world??? All I have heard is that your being induced is horribly painful. 10 years, its time for you to get over it. Get some counseling.

Answer 9

I dont understand why you left the hospital to begin with..
But your anger of missing your childrens birth is understandable... I would express your feelings.. You need to let it out-- in a productive way..... it has been rotting inside you long enough..

Answer 10

There's nothing to gain by carrying this resentment with you. Let it go.

If I were in her shoes and you left me during labor, I'd be pissed. Perhaps why she wanted her mother with her.