what would you do with a nasty mother in law to be?

Question

I have always tried to get on with my future mother in law but i knew deep down she was jealous that i was marrying her son and hated me deep down. when me and my fiance told her we was getting married back last may she said she was pleased and give us her best. we had a argument in september as i found out she was slagging me off behind my back but for my fiiance sake i made up with her. Last friday we went to see the vicar to finalise arrangements for our wedding in august and found out that a couple of days after telling her we were getting married that she rang the vicar to see if she could find grounds to object to our marriage. i was in shock. after calming down me and my fiance decided to say nothing to her and pretend we did not know. I do not want her at the wedding but I am scared she will make a scene on the day if we univite her. The vicar said we cant ban her from the church. Do i tell her straight or keep her sweet untill after the wedding. I am in turmoil

thanks for the wonderful answers. just to let you know my fiance is supporting me in what ever i decide but we are both worried in what the consequences will be if we rattle her cage before the wedding

Answer 1

Flippin mother in laws! I feel for you....
My mother in law was a pain leading up to the wedding and was the cause of many sleepless nights for me. She was just really awkward and kept saying that she would argue with whoever if we sat them near her, or if this or that person spoke to her. I was really worried she would cause a scene - I mean, can you imagine, it would have been awful! She was threatening to hit people and all sorts. My family are totally different and quite well to do, so naturally I was worried about the mix. On the day, we decided to try and keep her sweet, and personally I think this is the way forward. We had her as one of our witnesses.....she ruined the friggin photo's with her ugly face (sorry I'll put the claws away) but she was as nice as pie to everyone and I was actually quite proud of her by the end of the day! That has since worn off :o)

Therefore, my advice to you is to keep her as sweet as possible and try to make her feel like you like her........hard I know but you really don't want her causing a scene and ruining your wedding day...keep your enemies closer! Try not to give her any more reason to moan about you to anyone. Once the big day is over, you can say whatever you like to her and let her know what you knew - you have the last laugh!!

Best of luck for the big day - I'm sure it will be perfect!

Answer 2

You both know now what you are up against, your fiance can't say he never heard such a thing. You are right in not starting something with her, in fact while you needn't kill her with kindness, be polite, nothing more and nothing less, just polite. You won't embarrass yourself or your fiance that way and you will always feel in the right no matter what she does. In the intervening months she may have come to terms with your marriage to her son and starting a feud at this point may not be necessary, even if she isn't the mother in law of your dreams, treat her with a modicum of respect and don't come down to her level. Manys the time the mom in law take a completely different view when the grandkids come along and you will appreciate the babysitting and your husband will appreciate not having had to get in the middle. So remember, just polite, not sweet or warm, just polite.

Answer 3

Have you ever heard of the saying "keep you friends close" and your Enemies closer" .. Keep her sweet until after your wedding, i have had 12 yrs of $hite from my Mother In Law, we don't speak at all now unless i really have to.. Your partner is right, pretend you don't know about her slagging you off, she is trying to cause pressure in your relationship and if you react to It shes winning! I have learned this, my M I L can say what she wants now, i just laugh at it, it hits her straight where it hurts, coz she don't get the response she was looking for, at the end of the day, you are going to marry her son no matter what, so let the sad witch carry on!!!!
Never let let her know she is getting to you, it will only get worse!
Ignore it and let it go over your head! Honest, its hard, but it works!!

Once the wedding has taken place, your partner should tell her to either accept you, or leave you both well alone!

Good luck and i hope you have a lovely wedding day!

Answer 4

I think your fiance should confront his mother and make it clear to her that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Personally I would show her up by telling everyone what she has done, including the fact that she was so two-faced. In your shoes, I would tell my fiance that I didn't want his mother at our wedding, if she couldn't be happy for us. If this meant a radical change of plan and a wedding away from the people you know, so be it. Even more important, she would not be welcome at our home, nor would I agree to visit her with him until she was able to behave like a civilised adult. Obviously she should not be allowed to see her grandchildren if she can't treat their mother with the respect that is due to her.

I am really sorry that silly woman is making life so unpleasant for you and her son. A wonderful mother in law is an irreplaceable, priceless treasure, but a nasty one should be cut out like a tumour and thrown away.

Answer 5

If she causes a fuss the vicar will call the police and if there is no reason for the objection then she will be arrested My advice would be night before slip her a sedative and hope she sleeps through or change the time of your wedding so she arrives late and your married already good luck

Answer 6

Play it cute. Tell her you had a long chat with the vicar, and he was an honest and forthright man who did not believe in hidden agendas. You don't have to say what he told you; but make it clear to her that you KNOW EVERYTHING.

Then you can be cool and calm and enjoy your wedding day.

This is an awful situation, and not likely to improve much. She may feel that no one is good enough for her son, in which case you don't have to keep trying. Be polite but distant. Your new husband's duty will be to you now, and he should be showing signs of that. It will be hard for him too, as she sounds a bit of a control freak, and she may be used to getting her own way with him.

I also think the vicar should have told her, very firmly, where to go. Maybe he did!
Have a chat with her privately. You have the upper hand; you have won the heart of her son, and are marrying him, despite her attempt to stop it. Simply say, "I know everything. I have had a very frank discussion with the vicar. I understand you love your son and have his welfare at heart; but I love him too, and we have made the decision to spend our lives together."

that's it, you don't have to elaborate.

Answer 7

Hi i thought my mother in law was bad. She sounds just like my mother in law to be, im getting married this year also.
I do not like the sound of you situation and i am telling you now there is no way if she rang the vicar i would leave it quiet i would be right down there banging on the door and telling her weather not to even come to the wedding,weather its his mum or not, she has no respect for you and why should you have it for her. My mother in Law doesnt even know i aint speaking to her yet, she took my hubby 2 bes brother over him and i will never forgive her for this. We even changes our wedding venue so if his brother decides to do anything he will get thrown out. So anyways. Why dont you and you other half just get married somewhere else just the two of you and two witnesses. Weather or not you have finaled the arrangements.It will be worth it. Or you could just let all of you family know what has gone on and let them all kick her out when she gets there. And yes she can get thrown out of a church.

Answer 8

The only way with bitter old hags is to let them run out of steam by refusing to react. Trust me, I know. If you play her game, and start retaliating in kind, you are in her power, and you will have to live with a legacy of guilt because you will feel bad about somehow distancing your husband from his mother - even though it would really have been her who had made this happen. It is not possible to ban anyone from a church as far as I know - they are sanctuaries, and the bottom line is that unless she is grossly misbehaving, she can't be thrown out. The likelihood is that if you don't invite her she will a.) turn up and ruin everything for you b.) stay at home seething with resentment and bile, cooking up a plot in her greasy old cauldron. The best (and hardest) option is to invite her and be totally serene, and rise above it. This seems like a cop-out, and giving her the upper hand, but in fact (and this will become clear as time goes on) it isn't - it's the only way to stay in control. If you react to her behaviour with the same type of behaviour, she is controlling you. She probably wants you to be 'cruel', and be seen to others to be being 'cruel' to her, so she can dig the knife in behind your back and start a whispering campaign in her own family. So, not inviting her is a gift to her, and plays into her hands politically as well. Please believe me when I say that doing the difficult thing here does not make you a doormat, and you will in time reap the rewards of having behaving impeccably, and like the adult in the situation. Best of luck, and congratulations.

Answer 9

I do feel for you. I have been married 25 years. I am CofE and I married a 'good old catholic boy'. His mother didn't like me because I am a protestant. I also found out she had been talking behind my back, saying she didn't want her son to marry a protestant. I tell you what I did. IGNORE her, tell your future husband you are not happy with what you have heard but you love him and you are marrying him. Yes, she's gonna be in the background, but you can leave her in the background. The moral of this story is - my mother-in-law saw we were in love and we have lasted. So I WON!!!! 25 years!!! My husband thought the sun shone out of his mums backside back then and I thought I'd have a fight on my hands. But our love for each other won through. It took about 5 years because I felt relaxed with her, now I don't give a monkey's. You go for it, let her come to the wedding, but YOU remember it is YOUR day. She'll need you before you need her. Good luck. :)

Answer 10

If you think the turmoil is bad now, wait until you get married.

You have several alternatives:
- plan to leave town (or state) at least 2 hours away to live after you get married.
- her son (your future husband maybe) and you need to have it out with her NOW. Get that moose on the table. Ignoring it will not improve the situation.
- don't get married. Appeasement and pretense will not make it go away. She and her son need to have it out before you go any further. Better to delay the wedding than to accelerate the divorce.

If you have a MIL who is being deceptive and not operating in good faith, it will be the subject of much of the conflict in your marriage. You will not BELIEVE how much it will escalate when you have children and her desire to see the grandchildren kicks in.