How do you handle problem In-Laws?

Question

I have been with my husband for 4 yrs now and during this time his father has been a nitemare, constantly falling out with myself or my husband over the most trivial things. We havent spoken for nearly 2 yrs and in this time my husband has spoken to him on and off. Now i'm pregnant and things hav gone from bad to worse, He has told my husband that he's f**ked up his life big time and has offered him whatever he wants if he agrees to leave me.

My husband takes my side all the time but it doesn't stop the situation causing problems, i sometimes think he resents me because he doesn't see as much of his family as he'd like and although he takes my side i'm sure he blames me for alot of it.

How do i deal with this, being pregnant don't ned the stress just now!

Answer 1

If it is any consolation, my mother-in-law told me to my face when I was pregnant that she was praying for me to die, and the baby I was expecting too, so that she could get her son back. So at least you have not reached that stage yet...

I think your husband has to grasp the nettle and stop what effectively is emotional blackmail. If his family is being so unreasonable, he must know it is their intransigeance that is at fault, not what you are or what you do. You did not drag him to the altar shouting and screaming and you did not blackmail him into marrying you. You are the woman he loves, chose, and with whom he has made a baby. His loyalty has to be with you. Well done him for defending you!

The attitude of your father-in-law sounds like panic as he thinks your baby is going to supplant him in his son's affection, just as all the back biting is due to his own insecurity. As long as there was only you, he hoped that your marriage would go on the rocks, but your having a baby means an even stronger bond is keepimg you and his son together. He does not realise that he is digging the pit in which he is falling, not you.

To start with, I suggest that your husband does not repeat to you the things that have been said by your in-laws. What you have not heard, you will not grieve over.
Then when his father starts on the emotional blackmail, he needs to make a firm stand:
"Look, I have had enough of all this. You may dislike my wife, and it is your prerogative, but I love her. She is the mother of my child, YOUR grandchild, and if you cannot respect her, you are pathetic. What I do with my life is my choice and it is a matter of opinion as to whether I have f***ed it or not. You have been so prejudiced you would not know anyhow. So you stop picking arguments with me or her, or we will not see you anymore. This should be a time of rejoicing and not of open warfare. We do not want to expose our child to this poisonous atmosphere, and if your attitude does not improve, you will not see your grandchild at all. The choice is yours!" and leave it at that. No argument, Just leave and come home.

Since the situation makes you feel bad in addition to your pregnancy, do not go there with him. Your being upset will not be good for you or the baby. So chill!
When your baby is born, act as if all had always been fine. Tell your in-laws. Invite them over. Babies have a way of melting hearts of stone. My mother-in-law never liked me , but she doted on my daughter and she confessed to her that the reason that she had been so awful to me was that she was jealous and she thought I would take her son away, which I never did. I always treated her with courtesy, however disagreable she was, because I knew I had her most cherished possession: her only son and I was grateful to her because he was a good husband and a good father.

Finally your father-in- law sounds a bit of a bully, and the rest of the family may be keeping a low profile to placate him, but secretely they probably wish that all this grief would stop, so you may have some allies there. All is not as black as it looks...
Good luck to you, your hubby, and the babe!

Answer 2

My 1st response was to get an answering machine, but that doesn't solve the problem. Maybe if you have your mother-in-law come spend a weekend here or there, it'll help resolve some of her loneliness, give you all some bonding time, and show her what your weekend schedules are really like. While she's there on a weekend visit, you could off-handedly mention that you're not much of a morning person until you've had coffee, time to wake up, or until a certain time passes..... If all else fails, you could tell her that whenever the phone rings before 9 am in the mornings or after 10 pm at night that your heart fills with fear that it's an emergency call and you dread answering it....

Answer 3

What is your fahter -in-laws problem? has he always been such a control freak wanting to run his son's life.
Personally I think you should BOTH keep away from him for the next 6 months; the your husband should go round and politely but firmly tell him that he is tired of his father trying to interfere in his life and if he does not show you more respect and learn to keep his unpleasnt opinioons to himself he will not see him or his grandchild ever. Anything less smacks of fear of his father and certainly an inabilty to assert himself to him. By the way i suggest you show him this answer.

Answer 4

Ignore him - He wants to be a control freak over his son.
You Husband has put you first so he is a decent bloke.
Tell your Husband to see his family when ever he wants but also tell him all this stress is not good for you or the baby.
I had Mother-in Law from Hell and she wasnt satisfied untill she wrecked my marriage.
Luckly my new wifes family are fantastic and because of this I am sure that our realtionship will work -

Answer 5

Your husband is playing a major role in your unhappiness. If he cant, or wont , stand up to his father at this juncture, perhaps you dont have any future with him. Hard as it may seem now, if your hubby does not do the right thing by you, knowing you are expecting his child, things will get worse. If you dont want to end up as a whipping boy, get out now.

Answer 6

put yourself first right now as you dint need the stress and put a distance between you , if your husband whats to see him OK, but not at your home ,put him out of your mind and think of the baby , you just cant get on with everyone , you never now he might mellow a bit when he sees the baby, if not that's his loss

Answer 7

Just put it this way, you can be a horrible person and have children. Just because he's his dad, doesn't mean he can say whatever he wants to to his son, he doesn't own him. Especially telling him to leave his pregnant wife! What the hell is wrong with him. I had trouble with my partner's sister in law, I couldn't stick being by her. We moved and I can't get in the way of all her lies, she doesn't affect me if I don't see her. My partner and child visits her and his brother, doesn't mean I have to be there. Just let your hubby go by himself, that's if he wants to anyway. The dad has to earn respect, he doesn't just get it because he's the dad!

Answer 8

You and your husband have to remain united and strong. It is for him to decide how he wishes to handle it and you have to support each other. His father is in danger of losing his relationship with his son...if he fails to realise that you are his son's top priority. He should not stand for his father speaking and behaving in this way. All the best.

Answer 9

I know exactly how you feel - had the same problems and also pregnant now.
I blew them out - we are family now and life is too short to deal with their trivial crap

Answer 10

Well, why don't you sit down with your In-Laws and see if ya'll can decide to go to a shrink or something and try to work things out and talk bout the problems ya'll have with each other.