One Liners, funny?

Question

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, fo good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines
24 hours in a day .... 24 beers in a case...... coincidence??
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.
To steal from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Answer 1

lmao. here are more.

~Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
~Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
~Why does sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?
~Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
~If a man's name is Geronimo, what does he say when he jumps off a plane?
~When French ppl swear, do they say "Pardon my english"?
~If the tommorow would be twice as cold as today and today is 0 degrees then whats the temperature tomorrow?
~If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?
~Why do people call it a parkway when u drive and a driveway when u park?
~Do dyslexic athesists believe in dog?
~Why do they call them fingers if they don't fing?
~If you throw a cat out a window does it become kitty litter?
~If corn oil comes from corn, does baby oil come from babies?
~When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
~Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
~If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
~If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
~When a person named Cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
~Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person that drives a race car is not called a racist?
~Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
~Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
~If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call the resulting company Fed UP?
~Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
~If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
~Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
~if the cops arrest a mime do they give him the right to remain silent?
~If 1 syncronized swimmer drowns does that mean the others have to?
~Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
~Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
~Why is it that only in America do Americans buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET coke?
~If people want breakfast in bed, why don't they sleep in the kitchen?
~If ignorance is a bliss how come more people aren't happy?
~Would the Mario brothers be considered Italian or Japanese?
~Are fishes aware that they live in their own toilet?
~If deers don't know how to read, then how do they know to cross the yellow Deer Xing sign on the road?
~We all know that two wrongs don't make a right but would three wrongs make a left?
~Sure the early bird gets the worm but isn't it the second mouse who gets the cheese?
~If I think therefore I am, am I thinking that I think I am?
~Why is it that whenever you let the cat out of the bag you usually wind up in the dog house?
~If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect why practice?
~Wouldn't the philosophy of 'an eye for an eye' just end up making the whole world blind?
~If all the world is a stage where does the audience sit?
~If home is where your heart is what does that say about the people who have received heart transplants?
~Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer?
~Stores have signs that say, " No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." What about pants?
~Why are American English words like 'color', 'favorite', 'savor', etc, missing the letter 'u'? Is it because Americans are so self-centered? (its a joke. I'm american too.)
~Why are they called 'Hot Dogs' when they are not even dog meat?
~Do blind people feel 'Love at first sight'?
~If toast falls butter side down and cats land on their feet, what happens when u drop a cat w/ a buttered-side toast on its back?
~Why is it called MENstruation?
~If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't the unexpected be expected?
~Why is it we are willing to spend hours looking for the remote instead of taking 2 seconds to use the buttons on the TV?
~Why is it called a MISSile if it was meant NOT to miss things?
~Why does round pizza come in a square box?
~If you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant, what do you do?
~Why do they call it a building if its already built?
~If a tree falls when no one's around to the other trees make fun of it?
~Why is more than one goose called geese but more than one moose is not meese?
~Does a one legged duck swim in circles?
~Why do they call it toothpaste when u don't glue ur teeth together?
~If someone is sent to prison he/she becomes a prisoner, but does someone sent to jail become a jailor?
~Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
~What is a male ladybug called?
~If it was purple, would they still call it an 'orange'?
~Why is abbreviation such a long word if it's purpose is to make long words shorter?
~You have AA, AAA, C, D, 9Volt, and all those types of batteries. What happened to the 'B' battery?
~Why do they call Greenland Greenland when its all ice, and Iceland when its all green?
~On Christmas Light boxes, why do they say for indoor/outdoor use only? Where else are we going to use them?
~Why is the meaning of life hard to find when you have a dictionary?
~Why do you need a driver's licence to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
~Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you transport it by ship, it's called a cargo?
~Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
~Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
~Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
~Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
~Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
~If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
~Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?
~If you had 20 odds and ends on a table and all but one fell off, what's left, an odd or an end?
~If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
~Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
~When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
~Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
~Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
~Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
~If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
~If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


haha. remember, they are just jokes.

Answer 2

A great way to get your ex back is https://tr.im/ywT8y

They might realize they need you and come crawling back!

If you do get back together, don't let the same issues that destroyed your relationship crop up again. Have a good, long talk about how you're both going to make it right this time.

Answer 3

Texting lets you control the tone and establish what kind of conversation you want to have. Learn here https://tr.im/sJqAp
This is probably the most important part. With texting, you can stop and think about what you want to say to your ex at each step of the way. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can take your time, figure out the right thing to say (I’ll give you most of it), and be strategic with your ex without saying something that you’ll regret.

Answer 4

Loved these....hey... I went to buy a pair of camoflage pants the other day but couldn't find any....ha....hear about the guy that had 5 penis' ... his pants fit him like a glove...ha

Answer 5

Good one.

Answer 6

thanks for the laugh