Living together vows?

Question

My boyfriend and I are both 50. We plan to get married. The problem is, he loses a subtantial death benefit from his X's retirement package if he remarries before he is 55. He was married to his X for over 20 years and is well entitiled to it. It would be foolish to lose it. Our plan is to live together for the next 5 years. We are passed having babies so children won't be an issue. I don't believe in 'playing house' so I'm struggling a little with doing this. I would like some kind of ritual where we can express our love and commitment to each other until we can legally marry. This is not a 'let's live together and see how things work out' kind of thing for us. Do you have any good ideas for what we can do to start our life together with a promise?

Answer 1

There is no formal vow for living together until legally entitled to bennies. You can do whatever you want together, have a nice dinner for family to announce the new living arrangements and you could have an engagement party, but leave out the details, although I understand your situation and I agree with what you are doing, there is no way to explain waiting for death benefits without it bringing down the happy event. So keep your financial affairs your own, and let you love affair be public.
Then when you do get married, you can have as big and fancy wedding as you want and it will be legal and no one will feel as if they have been taken for two sets of vows and gifts and meaningful ceremonies.
I've know many older persons to do just as you are doing, and it would really amuse the younger crowd to know grannies are living in sin for Social Security.
If you indulge in one of the not legal marriages some here have listed, you will find yourself on the wrong side of the law for purposes of inheritance and credit and all the other things like seeing the other person in the hospital etc. Make arrangements with a lawyer the day you get an engagement ring and make sure you are taken care of in any eventuality. If you do nothing else...do that.

Answer 2

you could try a handfasting type thing....there's some dispute of if tese vows were for a trial sort of marriage or a betrothal. there are some really simple ones that are non-denominational that are sweet&simple and are a good way to commit to eachother until you can legally marry......traditionally, that's what they were performed for.....to allow a couple to enjoy the benefits of a legal marriage until a priest could get to them.

you can also try writing your own sort of commitment vows to each other, and having a little party at your house or something with close family and celebrate!

Answer 3

I am in a similar situation. I am recieving benefits from my deceased husband. I am 38. I have met the man of my dreams. We are going to do the entire "wedding" without doing the legal paperwork. Nobody will know the difference except the officiant (our church minister - who we have discussed this with - he believes that a marriage need not be filed with the county - it is still a marriage in the eyes of the Lord)
I say, go for it. When you both can get "legally" married, then do it nice and quiet to make it all legal. If you want to do a wedding, ceremony, reception, what have you. It is just another chance to gather friends and family in celebration.

Answer 4

How about writing wills that name each other the beneficiary for all accounts, 401k, house, etc.? Also, check and see if your state (if you are in the US) has a "common-law marriage" clause. Have a friend get ordained via the internet and perform some sort of commitment ceremony.

Answer 5

Its not the 1950's and living together is a sin. Just move in, enjoy every day you have together.

Remember, live for today because tomorrow may never come. I just lost a friend. After a chance motorcycle accident last july the hospital found lung cancer while mending him. Life is too short to worry about small details.

Answer 6

IF YOU BOTH ARE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER AND ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP THEN THAT SHOULD B E THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. YES HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP AND PROBABLY CANT GET MARRIED FOR ANOTHER 5 YRS OK, THEN WAIT. MOVE IN!!! THATS GOOD BECUASE IF YOU MOVE IN TOGETHER ITS LIKE MAKING VOWS ITS JUST NOT ALL ON PAPER, BUT YOU GO THROUGH A LOT WHEN LIVING WITH SOMEONE.

Answer 7

Do whatever you want. Annonce it publically. That's the purpose or a wedding anyways. The commitment is personal. If it's there, married or not, it's not 'playing house'. But yea, do some sort of public thing if it's important to you.

Answer 8

Just do it.The whole 'ritual' idea sounds a little bit silly to me. I'm guessing you have never been married before..... make sure your state doesn't have common law marriage laws.

Answer 9

you could do a hand-fasting. which is an old fashion type wedding (now considered a pagan wedding) you take vows to one another just like a wedding but it isn't legal (you can do it legal) in the eyes of the government and church.


What is a Handfasting?

Handfasting is a rite in which the Old Gods bless and hallow a Union of two or more people. It is a sacred marriage. Some people have called it a "temporary" or "trial" marriage. It is not always a permanent union.

Is Handfasting legal?

If at least one Priestess or Priest officiating at the rite is legally registered, the rite can stand as a legal marriage. Most Handfastings, however, are not legally certified.

Many Pagan Priestesses and Priests obtain legal certification through the Universal Life Church in Modesto, CA. In most states in the US, to obtain legal registration you are required to file documents proving your religious certification with a state level office (in Ohio that's the Office of the State Attorney General…), and usually also with a county and/ or city level authority in the vicinity of where the rite is to take place. Each of these governmental authorities can give you information about documents needed to file to officiate legal weddings.

Couples wishing to make their Handfasting rite legal need to follow their local guidelines to obtain a valid marriage license. A legally registered Priestess or Priest can sign and process the license. The Handfasting so conducted will be considered as legally binding as any other kind of secular or religious marriage ceremony.
The Handfasting Ritual
Kitte Ka’at Knight
Handfasting is an ancient commitment ceremony. It is the predecessor to the modern wedding ceremony. The ritual itself usually includes a binding together of the hands of the couple with a ritual cord of some kind, hence the name, which means “hand fastening.” It is also the origin of the slang phrase “to tie the knot.” Handfasting is a symbolic ceremony to honor a couple’s desire for commitment to each other; to acknowledge that their lives and their fates are now bound together.
Handfasting ceremonies are typically performed in front of friends and family, but there are no taboos about a couple performing the ceremony with no other witnesses besides the priest or priestess and the Gods and Goddesses of their belief system. It is the symbolism that is most significant. With the ritual goes the commitment made to one another, but unlike wedding vows, you do not make promises to one another. You simply acknowledge that your paths are bound together and are the same from this point forward. You realize this is the truth and you accept it with great elation.
Handfasting ceremonies can be simple or elaborate. Traditionally the couple would be dressed in their best party clothes, as they would for any special occasion. In the days when handfasting was common, new clothing was a luxury item; having something made for that day, that would never be worn again, is a very recent modern tradition. In more recent historical times, the bride would get a lovely gown made for her wedding, but it was also worn on other special occasions that arose until she could no longer wear it. The bride wearing white is also a new idea.
There are no rules about what to wear to ones own handfasting. Modern handfasting garb can be anything the couple desires to wear, from plain, simple attire to flowing robes. Head gear can be a wreath or garland around the head to a flowing veil.
Usually, but not always, the handfasting involves a cleansing ritual to create a sacred space, and an invocation of the four elements/directions. The directions are invited to witness and protect the couple as they make their way into the world as one. There is a priest or priestess who performs the ceremony by lightly binding the hands of the couple together and speaking to them and the witnesses of the meaning of the ceremony. The couple then speak words of love and commitment to each other.
Afterwards, the couple jump over a sword and broom while holding hands. The sword is symbolic of cutting ties with the old life, before they were together, and the broom represents of the remnants being swept away.
Some of the ancient ceremony are still used in traditional modern weddings, such as the sharing of cake and wine, while more modern elements such as the exchange of rings have found their way into the modern celebrations of ancient ritual.
The handfasting ceremony is not recognized as legally binding per se. Different states have different laws about marriage, but most of them center around having a legally sanctioned person perform the ceremony and sign the official marriage license, regardless of whether the ceremony was a traditional handfasting, or a wedding in a church or chapel.
The most popular day for handfasting ceremonies with Wiccans and Pagans is Beltane in May. Beltane celebrates the height of Spring and the flowering of life, a fitting holiday for a couple to declare they begin their journey together. For the gothic community, the most popular day is Samhain, or the more popularly celebrated Halloween.
Here are some wonderful online resources for handfasting rituals and more information:
Handfasting Traditions
Handfasting and Pagan Wedding Page
Full Ceremonial Handfasting Form
Celtic/Neopagan Handfasting


Handfasting is a betrothal or wedding ritual in which the couple's clasped hands are tied together by a cord or ribbon — hence the phrase "tying the knot". The tying of the hands may be done by the officiant of the ceremony, by the wedding guests, or by the couple themselves.

In Ireland and Scotland, during the early Christian period it was a form of trial marriage, often performed in rural areas when a priest was not available. The couple could form a temporary, trial marriage, and then be married "in the Church" the next time a priest visited their area. In some modern Neopagan groups, the ceremony has been reinterpreted to be a spiritual marriage, whether on a trial basis or as a permanent (even eternal) bond.

The tying together of the couple's hands was a part of the normal marriage ceremony in the time of the Roman Empire. In the 16th century, the English cleric Myles Coverdale wrote in The Christen State of Matrymonye, that in that day, handfasting was still in use in some places, but was then separate from the Christian wedding rite performed in a church several weeks after the consummation of the marriage, which had already begun with the handfasting ritual. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, handfasting was then sometimes treated as a probationary form of marriage. See Historical Handfasting for an introduction to the historical roots of handfasting.

One historical example of handfastings as trial marriages is that of "Telltown marriages" - named for the year and a day trial marriages contracted at the yearly festival held in Telltown, Ireland. The festival took place every year at Lughnasadh (August 1), and the trial marriage would last until the next Lughnasadh festival. At that time, they were free to leave the union if they desired.

In the present day, some Pagans practice this ritual. The marriage vows taken may be for "a year and a day", a lifetime, or "for all of eternity". Whether the ceremony is legal, or a private spiritual commitment, is up to the couple. Depending on the state where the handfasting is performed, and whether or not the officiant is a legally-recognized minister, the ceremony itself may be legally binding, or couples may choose to make it legal by also having a civil ceremony. Modern handfastings are performed for heterosexual or homosexual couples (see also same-sex marriage), as well as for larger groups in the case of polyamorous relationships.

As with many Neopagan rituals, some groups may use historically attested forms of the ceremony, striving to be as traditional as possible, while others may use only the basic idea of handfasting and largely create a new ceremony.

As many different traditions of Neopaganism use some variation on the handfasting ceremony, there is no universal ritual form that is followed, and the elements included are generally up to the couple being handfasted. In cases where the couple belong to a specific religious or cultural tradition, there may be a specific form of the ritual used by all or most members of that particular tradition. The couple may conduct the ceremony themselves or may have an officiant perform the ceremony. In some traditions, the couple may jump over a broom at the end of the ceremony. Some may instead leap over a small fire together. Today, some couples opt for a handfasting ceremony in place of, or incorporated into, their public wedding. As summer is the traditional time for handfastings, they are often held outdoors.

A corresponding divorce ceremony called a handparting is sometimes practiced, though this is also a modern innovation. In a Wiccan handparting, the couple may jump backwards over the broom before parting hands.


[edit] Rings and handfastings
As with more conventional marriage ceremonies, couples often exchange rings during a handfasting, symbolizing their commitment to each other. Many couples choose rings that reflect their spiritual and cultural traditions, while others choose plainer, more conventional wedding rings.

Answer 10

Better first of all you go through the moral and ethical complications of this setup. In my point of view that should be a basic consideration..