How do I earn my parents' affection?

Question

For 14 years, my parents took care of me, but I never felt affection. But my sister. She's a different story. My parents showered her with attention, praises, love, and etc, and I can see why. My sister is superior to me in every way, academically, physically, as a person, etc. But I'm not much compared to her, and I think that's why I've always been the black sheep.
I remember that day when we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up. My sister was 7ish, and she said a vet. My parents were all over her, saying how good it was that she wanted to help little animals. I was 4ish, and I said a fossil digging person (after watching Jurassic Park haha). They told me it was silly to spend my time digging up bones. I
Or the fact that my parents have infinite numbers of videos of my sister, and yet not a single one of me. That broke my heart.
So, how do I earn my parents' respect and affection?

to kool rock:
thanks... I'll take note of that one.

Answer 1

Your situation was rather depressing. I really feel that you shouldn't have to earn affection.....especially from your parents. It should already be there. Your sister seemingly got more. She was in what I like to call "those years when she was envied by you because your parents bathed her in love". It is pretty whack that they said it was silly about your wanting to be a fossil digger-upper. You were four. Personally, I would have said "Good for you. Go be the best fossil digger-upper you can be." I think you should bring this up to your parents now.....tell them how you feel. Tell them how you felt. You will get through to them. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

Alby, I assume you are a boy and I'm affected by your story. I had the same situation. However I couldn't tell anyone. It wasn't the done thing for a man or a boy to ask why he wasn't loved. I was 50 before I said anything. By that time my spirit was well and truly broken. You have the anonymity of the Internet so you can ask the question. Firstly you don't have to earn your parent's respect or affection. You are their child and should automatically have it. My younger sister also received all my parent's attention and yes I was jealous. It seems that some parents, maybe a lot of parents assume that the son will just get on with it and do something with his life and doesn't need any nurturing. Well that may be OK for some people but we are all different. What makes one person more determined makes another fall to pieces. I don't know what your dad does for a living but I've found that a blue collar worker just hopes his son will find a job without particularly teaching him anything.He's proud if his son can do better than himself but doesn't know how to help. He loves him but can't express it. He wants you to get a job, not worry about digging up fossils.A professional man will find that his son usually wants to do the same job as him, so he can teach him a lot. The son will usually be successful but the family dynamic is completely different. The son is expected to be successful but doesn't have to be more successful than the father. The father is already successful.
The other thing you mention is that your sister is"superior to me in every way". I found out also at around 50 that my sister felt like that about me. She was 4 years younger and idolized me. At first I thought "Great." But after a while I told her, " I'm 4 years older than you. What did you expect. Get real" I hated giving up that little bit that I had over her. You are very young. Don't believe that she's better than you in every way. Believe that you'll be just as good as her in your life. Don't envy her. In fact if you need to know something and you think your parents will shrug you off then ask her. Be her friend. She will help if you have a good relationship.
As for getting your parent's overt respect and affection, they have to know how you feel some way. If you can't confront them maybe your sister could intervene for you. I'm no psychologist, I can only tell you my story and hope you get a better outcome than me. My parents went to their grave without knowing how I felt because I couldn't approach them. That's one thing they did teach me.

Answer 3

A child should never have to "earn" affection. Parents are supposed to offer it openly without condition- that's called unconditional love. My parents never treated my brother and I differently, but I always (and still do) compared myself to him and felt like he was better than me. I think you need to tell your parents how you feel. Bring up the example of when you were 4- if you remember it from that long ago, it certainly has made a big impact on you- point that out. Make sure you use examples to illustrate why you think they favor your sister, so it doesn't sound like random whining. Let them know you have a lot of good qualities and ambitions also and need them to show you support and encouragement. It is likely they don't realize they have been treating you differently and even more likely they are unaware of the impact it has had on you. good luck.

Answer 4

Well, this is strange, I answered your question but it disappeared...

I am sorry. Your situation is very sad. While it's not common, it's definitely not unheard of. Can you not talk with one of your parents or even your sister about it?

I think you are mistaken to accept as fact that your sister is "superior to you in every way." I have news for you. That just isn't possible!

I am certain that one day, you will need to and be able to draw on the strength that you had to develop as a child

Answer 5

Stop making bowel movements in your pants and suit coat pockets.

And dont mind the video thing. That is most likely a year & technology thing. Dont ignore all that stuff you failt to photograph before you got that digital camera.

Also dont discount methods of raising. Effection is more fitting towards a female during those vital years to them...

*My parents acted a bit more cool to me when I turned 24 and was capable of bathing myself.