My brother is funny, outgoing, and has a STRONG peronsality... almost intimdating at times. We have alot of fun and are now adults with kids. But he still looks at me wierd if I laugh funny, or imtate me if I mix my words up. In between all the fun times, and sometimes during them he seems to 'make fun of me'. When I ask him to stop something he argues with me and blame shifts back onto me. I felt it was getting out of hand as my kids sometimes ask him to stop something that started out as fun and he doesn't. I emaile him and told him 4 things that need to stop and that I am now taking seriously. He emailed me back rudely. So I just told him 'fine, you are out of our lives until you can show repsect'. I am in my 30's this needs to stop. He blame shifted and told me that I am being manipulting him and holding my kids randsom and that he won't kiss my BUTT. I took that as blame shifting... What is his problem.. why did it come to this.. could my confident brother be insecure?
2007-02-10 16:22:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Is this the 'I'll get you before you get me attitude... trying to intimdate me?' I am wondering if he is insecure inside or why all this drama? I know his point of view is obviously different then mine.. but I am really trying to understand. This is my brother and this are so estranged right now... just because I asked him to stop and then insisted on it (my point of view). Could my confident brother be insecure and not even know it?? Pleas help.. I am trying to unconfuse me as to what the heck happened here
2007-02-10 16:24:43 · update #1
I do not mean to be unkind or simplistic, but this forum allows one to go straight to the heart of the matter and I will avail myself of brevity.
Your brother is not only putting on a false front of confidence but he is doing it to mask his jealousy of you.
At no time, ever, under any circumstances is it okay to continue behaviour that has been pointed out as being hurtful. When one loves and respects another one DOES NOT do anything to provoke or irritate or hurt the object of love and affection. One DOES provoke, irritate or hurt other's because one needs to feel a sense of control and power.
Do yourself, and your brother, a favor. Realize that this problem has been growing since you were both children and nothing has been done to stop it. It is now up to you to stop it.
Stick to your guns, but in a quietly strong way. He will get very angry. This is not your problem.
Let your brother know that you will not tolerate his disrespect of you because you do not want your children to think so little of him or you. Tell him you are not using your children as ransom; you are using him, as an example for your children, of how NOT to behave. And then stick to your guns. It will be hard but it is up to you to take a stand. He will come around, but if he doesn't you will know that you have stood for something important and taken a bad example away from your children.
You cannot have it both ways. Be strong. Be loving. Be generous and open minded. Be firm and stand up for your dignity and the pride in you that your children deserve. If they see you being run over by anyone they will have a problem respecting you as they get older.
2007-02-10 17:09:58 · answer #1 · answered by Temple 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I don't want to put your brother in the same category as my ex-husband, because I don't know your brother and I would never dream of insulting someone I don't even know that way! Still, from what you said, he is showing the same signs of controlling and abusive tendencies that my ex showed. Intimidation, manipulation, blaming someone else for your own bad choices, rudeness when confronted because of your poor choices - these are all signs of a person who has the capacity to be abusive, manipulative and controlling. Why do I think that? Because that is how my ex-husband is, and he had the same signs. You are right - insecurity DOES play a part. When a person is insecure with themself, they have to put down others, manipulate and control others and blame others because they don't feel good about themselves and that is the only way they can have some sort of feeling of control over the hopeless feeling they have because they feel they don't measure up somehow. When they are in control, then they feel better. You said your brother is funny, outgoing and has a STRONG personality. My ex is the same way, and many would say he is downright weird, and also very immature at times. My ex overcompensates with his over-the-top personality and having to be the center of attention because he is not secure in his own skin. I don't know if it is that way with your brother or not.
A person can display outward confidence, yet be insecure. Don't accept responsibility for things your brother should be responsible for. He is trying to shift the blame onto you for his bad behavior by accusing you of holding your kids ransom. If you allow him to do this, then he is absolved of his responsibility for how he behaved. Let him have his consequences, even if it creates a rift between you for awhile. If you don't do that, he will continue to behave inappropriately and then blame you and others for it when you object. Unless you want to live like that for a long, long time, you should nip this behavior in the bud. If you really care about your brother, you will be doing him a favor to allow him to reap what he sows. My ex has lost countless jobs, been shunned in social circles, has lost countless friendships, has lost his marriage and his kids, has lost his drivers license, has terrible credit, has lost his home, has such a poor rental history that nobody will rent to him, his wages are being garnished, and he is on his way to losing his new wife. Why? Because he can't get it through his thick skull that his behavior, which mimics your brother's, is destructive and he alone has the power to change it. He is finally starting to be held accountable for all the hurt he has caused not only me and my kids, but also the countless people he has used, abused and treated poorly. He always blames everyone else for his behavior and goes on to hurt someone else. Not anymore. He is facing legal repercussions because he never learned his lesson. Let your brother learn his lesson before the problem gets worse. Good luck.
2007-02-10 16:37:02 · answer #2 · answered by Chimichanga to go please!! 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I certainly understand your frustration. I think, however, it would have been best not to say to him that he's out of your life. maybe just that if he can't be respectful then you're out of his. I don't know. It's a difficult situation. It sounds like he thinks he's better than you or something. Why he would want to make fun of you or pick on you like that might mean too that he could be jealous of you for something or perhaps you're right in that he is insecure. He feels like it makes him look better or seem better if he belittles you. It's like belittling you makes him feel better and that's not cool, especially if your kids are noticing. I don't understand why he would enjoy making you feel bad. I think he's got some issues for sure. I would do what you're doing in that I would demand the respect that you deserve or you aren't going to hang out with him. I'd just leave whenever he starts acting that way. You could maybe email him back and tell him that you aren't trying to let him not see the children but you don't appreciate being made fun of or being belittled in front of the children because it certainly isn't setting a good example. And that you'd love for him to be in all of your lives but that he needs to be respectful of your feelings and that this is hurting you. I wish you good luck with this. :)
2007-02-10 16:31:03 · answer #3 · answered by Jade D. 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It really doesn't matter what his reason is, does It? because the bottom line is that his behavior is rude and disrespectful and to not stop and/or apologize after you have made your feelings known??Well! I guess he has "issues" or he likes the power he can wield over you or he enjoys humiliating you in front of others (which makes him feel superior) I don't think that you are going to change his behavior. He obviously enjoys (maliciously) playing head games with you. And he doesn't respect you enough to listen to what you are saying and stop. Is there anyone in the family who has "the power" to set this guy straight? If your children see what he does and ask him to stop, it must be really blatant. And how much of a 'fun' time is it really to have to put up with the slamming that he does? You may have to either limit your interaction with your brother or just suck it up and roll your eyes at your kids if you want to continue visiting with him. Good luck to you!
2007-02-10 16:46:09 · answer #4 · answered by Caligirlsmom 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think email is a terrible way to communicate something as personal and important as this is. Things can be misunderstood SO very easily in this line of communication. I guess you have to ask yourself, for the most part is my life better or worse without this person in it? It obviously bothers you because you're here asking for help..that's a good sign cause your family is important to you. I really think this should be addressed in person IF it's important for you to maintain this relationship not only for you but for your kids too. Does this person contribute positive things to the relationship? It sounds like you have some great times and really do like each other, not just cause you're family. Perhaps you have a fair-minded person that could sit down with the 2 of you and talk this out?! Please give it another try and tell him face to face how much this hurts you because his opinion matters to you. Try not to "attack" but to "explain" I think it's worth another try and some day you'll be sorry if you don't
Good luck!
2007-02-10 16:32:29 · answer #5 · answered by TriciaC 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i have 6 sisters and 1 brother big family all of us do it to each other even though we are older it still happens it never stops i usto get up set but there is no point because it only ends up in supped arguments so i had to learn to not take notice it for the peace of my family he is more than likely doing it because he is jellies
2007-02-10 16:38:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes
2007-02-10 16:24:24 · answer #7 · answered by The Fifth Contender 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is trying to make himself look good at your expense. Beware of anyone who belittles you or mocks you. That is his true personality. He resents you for some reason. I doubt if he knows why he acts this way. It would take therapy to find the cause.
2007-02-10 16:26:58 · answer #8 · answered by notyou311 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
its likely that your right.
it sounds like the basic case of insecurity
try to talk to him face to face, alone, and calmly and lovingly tell him all of your thoughts, just like you did in your question. tell him that your concerned, and that he is hurting the relationship.
but also you need to be willing to laugh at yourself, which you seem to be able to do already, but if he goes to far, try to not make a big deal of it at the time, but instead talk to him about it in private.
it will help him because he wont feel like he needs to defend himself as much if its just you and him.
good luck and remember to do everything you do out of love and not rage and revenge.
2007-02-10 16:27:53 · answer #9 · answered by Cory S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your brother may be trying to make himself better because he could be jealous...
2007-02-10 16:25:46 · answer #10 · answered by zainabainza 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋