Step-families : Does it get any easier?

Question

My guy and his daughter have moved in. Yay! But she completely ignores me, like I have no authority over her. She's 16, and fairly mature for her age, but still does nothing I ask of her. She won't lift a finger to help around the house, sits in her caravan (which she had to have because the room in the house that was hers was too small for the poor dear), and does nothing, expects me to feed the calf she had to have, and the horse she had to have but now never goes near. I've tried to be her friend, helping her out, teaching her to cook etc, buying her the clothes she needed which my man's ex would never let her have, talking her dad into letting her have a mobile phone. And yet simple requests like "please leave the drinking glasses inside so they don't get broken" are ignored and treated with scorn. She comments on me when I argue with her dad, and has abused me because I wouldn't lend her MY camera. What can I do?

Answer 1

First of all there need to be rules in a family. you need to talk with your man and discuss the house rules. His daughter needs to respect the home/family by doing her share. She needs to sleep IN the house in the room that is assigned to her. She is 16, and still a minor child. She must still abide by rules. Your man needs to step up and start parenting and stop letting her run the situation. Any pets that are hers, she should take care of- otherwise they should go. Make up a list of chores and responsibilities each person, including the parents, are responsible for. If she doesn't complete her chores, have a list of consequences so she knows what will happen for not complying- loss of phone, grounded, etc.- whatever you decide on. First and foremost she needs to be back in the house in her own room with the rest of the family. Separating herself from you guys is not healthy and unrealistic in expecting her to listen and contribute. Have a list of concerns and ideas ready when you talk to your man. Don't be aggressive, use calm tones so he is not defensive. Listen to his feedback, but be firm on the issues you feel are important and a must. Work it out and then have a meeting with the daughter. Good Luck

Answer 2

Sounds like you and your fella need to sit down and have a serious conversation. At no time should a child - yes, a 16 year old is still a child - impose, or "take over" any parental situation or environment. Perhaps at times she may feel a little left out, or a third wheel with the two of you. Perhaps the two of you making a date to spend some time - shopping, lunch, a chance to get to know one another might help. Also, aside from becoming more social together, it sounds like there needs to be "house rules" including a chore list for her. There is no real reason that a sixteen year should not share in chores around the house. If the father has a problem with this, then you may have issues in other areas non-related to his daughter that he is not sharing with you. Adjustments like this are hard - wishing you and your family the best!

Answer 3

If she feels she can do things on her own, then when need be...let her. I don't mean for just anything, but I mean reverse everything you have let her do. If her calf and horse need her attention, make her give it to them, Let her know SHE needed them, she is old enough to take care of them, or YOU will get rid of them, since you're the one who takes care of them. At 16, make her get a job and start paying her own bills, such a luxuries. Like her cell phone, concerts, etc. And from now on, if she can't bring in the dishes, she isn't allowed to take them out of the house. If she so desperately needs them in her caravan, then tell her to buy them, or she can replace the ones she has already broken. Sometimes tough love can go a long way. Sure she will be resentful, but in the long run she will learn to respect you and realize all you and her father have done for her. I also wouldn't buy her anything her other parent wouldn't approve of. That can actually cause resentment between her parents. And that really isn't fair to your boyfriend. Try to include her mother ( whether your feelings towards her are or aren't friendly...she is still her parent!),when it comes to complaints. I hope things will work out, most "step" families I know usually end up working out for the best (my mom's step family is more of a real family to me than anything "real" from her mother's side ever was!!!). Good luck and let me know how things work out.

Answer 4

You & your guy better sit down together & tell each other what you think the ground rules should be in this new relationship. Don't ever either of you bad mouth each other or put each other down in front of her & if possible support each other when she is being told off etc. even though you may not agree totally with what either one of you is saying or doing. If you disagree with one another do it quietly and just say eg: I wasn't happy with what you said or I disagreed with what you said & did & explain why. If she knows you are arguing or not getting along together it will give her further leverage to use especially against you. No matter what you do at the moment you are the wicked stepmom. Let her know that either she starts helping you out or else her calf & horse are going. Give her a plastic cup & tell her that this is all she can drink from until she learns not to take glasses outside. Let her know that you will not let her borrow anything of yours until she learns to show respect to you & your things. When she wants to go out with friends etc. make sure your guy includes you by saying to his daughter that he will have to discuss it with you & vice versa. You need to show her a united front & don't let her know when you feel beaten. Don't feel afraid to punish her by not allowing her to see her friends or taking her mobile away from her or only allowing her to use the computer for homework. She will go running to daddy so I hope he will stick up for you. Good luck.

Answer 5

The good news is you only have 2 years until she either moves out to go to school or college. The bad news is it most likely wont get any better much before then if at all. Step-families are tough and she is at a difficult age to begin with. It takes a lot of time to adjust to new family situations and even if she likes you deep down she probably resents you. Its just a normal reaction to having a "new parent" thrown at you, patricularly as a teen.

Answer 6

I was a step kid. It never was easy, but part of that was because there were two sets of kids. It's been over 30 years, and I still want nothing to do with the ones from the other side. I was never so happy as when I got to move out of that house.

As for your case, I can't say how it will work out. Maybe over time, and as she matures, it will get better. But stand your ground, or you'll get trampled. You may not win every battle, but if you give in, you will surely lose every one. Ask your husband for his support, and maybe, grudgingly, you'll get some sort of respect, or at least compliance.

Answer 7

3 exhusbands, no longer talking to 2, one is OUT thoroughly through courtroom order, the different one will be out through the top of March07 all using the different ex who's OUT already. 5 youngsters, in trouble-free terms 2 one hundred% blood appropriate, others are all a million/2, one has 2 -a million/2 siblings through ex and now no longer sees them(been over a year) solid information it is, different 2 are in trouble-free terms newborn in different mom and father, yet so some distance because the 5 youngsters bypass...they experience in route of one yet another than anybody else. in addition they experience in route of their "3 step" bros and sis than to their blood relation. So i assume that is all as a lot as each and each and every kinfolk and how properly the ex'es get a lengthy. ailment in all houses the children bypass to...yet no count number in the adventure that they get a lengthy or no longer a majority of those damaged households will create a good crazier destiny era of youngsters...discuss ailment! yet all of us improve up and some people make it and some do not. that is fairly unhappy should you do not.

Answer 8

Deal with it ...Stop allowing her to rule the roost. If your husband is allowing it ask him why he is feeling guilty about your marriage? Is he feeling guilty about divorcing his former spouse? Then he also is living in the past. You also have to realize that this young lady is living in the past being overly concerned with her parents divorce which is no longer and she's become accustomed to preying on the guilt of others. Obviously her father is not divorced he is married and so are you. Also try discussing with your hubby the facts on how a child being raised spoiled in any environment will grow to be a spoiled adult. Don't fight about it .....talk about it in complete privacy. Your marriage comes first and you both need to model that to her if you care how she veiws marriage in the future. She could grow up, get married and pit her children against her husband meaning she could see marriage as game.

Answer 9

There are times like these where you feel like you wish you have the authority to throttle her,huh ?
Try having a family meeting, and sit everyone down, and everyone takes turns talking about how they feel about anything and everything and no one can talk or even make a small comment untill it's there turn.

Answer 10

Sounds like she needs a good kick in the a***. Talk to your man, and if that doesn't work, pack your bags.