Ok How do I deal with my pre-teen?

Question

My daughter is a very smart girl, and we have financial trouble at times, and I am always trying to pinch pennies, but whenever I spend money, like today upgrading my cell phone after 2 years, my daughter says WHY are you spending money, she does this all the time, and I get onto her, is there a good come back, because it makes me VERY angry that she does this...

she is 12 and is good at saving money when she wants something, but is always on my back for things she wants also, such as her own cell phone. Her own room etc. She usually tries to wear me down until she gets what she wants she is REALLY good at staying on my back about something, I think that is what I have the hardest time about. Example today when I got home, she actually had done ALL her chores, and then said see how responsible I am can I have a MY SPACE, which I said the house should look like this ALL the time and then that will show me how responsible you are and you will be rewarded accordingly, then she decided to add up her GPA which is 3.5 and said again, see how responsible I am. That is what I am up against.

Answer 1

I can relate, but from your daughter's perspective. I was raised by a single mom who was always telling my brother and I that we had serious financial trouble. So, when she would make purchases that seemed unnecessary it would upset us. We felt like everytime we asked for something; namebrand clothes, shoes, cars, etc that all the other kids at school had, we were told that we didn't have the money. Now that I am older and raising my own family I can see things much differently. Having a good "come-back" isn't the solution. You two need to have a discussion. Explain to her that you appreciate her concern for your financial status, as it has a direct effect on her as well as on you. As an adult, you have more experience in knowing what is necessary and what is wasteful. In reference to the cell phone plan, explain to her that by upgrading, for example, that opens the door for her to be added to your plan, and to allow you to extend more freedoms to her. Ultimately it is none of her business how you spend money, as long as she is properly fed and clothed. Suggest to her that if she is feeling like she is missing out on something that you two can brainstorm ways for her to make her own money, or for you two to save together for something special.

Answer 2

Sorry. Good parents should (in a perfect world) NEVER get angry with their kids. The fact that you are getting angry so much speaks more about you than her. I've got a sister who drinks too much and she gets furious with me when I point it out. Sound familiar? Its called denial and projection. Its HER fault you can't buy all the things you want, right? Its HER fault you can't buy her all the things she wants, right? But perhaps I'm way off base here?
Maybe you need to tell her money is about choices. Saving money (I'm SURE you're not in debt up to your eyeballs) and then spending it on the important things like cell phone up-grades and college savings can be a lesson that money is power when used correctly. Give her an allowance so she can begin to make choices with her money, just like you do with yours. She should understand that some savings is good but not spending on the present is foolish, also.

Answer 3

The reason your daughter is getting to you is that she is challenging your authority. Her attitude is saying that you have to check with her before making purchases. You need to NOT get angry, but once you have discussed a certain thing she wants [she has no right to question your purchases for the house or yourself], if the answer is that she can't have it or can't have it right now, then end the discussion. If she brings it up again then she is bucking your authority, and you need to have a consequence associated with that. She is 12, and if she can get away with this at this age, she will be a whole lot worse in a couple of years.

Answer 4

Have you ever tried asking her "Aren't I worth spending money on?" After all when she needs new shoes or school supplies, I bet she doesn't say "That's okay mom, we don't need to spend the money, I'll use my old ones another 2 years." Let her know sometimes an upgrade or new things for the house are needed, you can only use the old til they don't work anymore or until they are falling apart. But don't get to upset, after all pre-teen is all about back talk.

Answer 5

At 12 it's only beginning, so you need to be firm NOW because in the next few years it will go from this to a hormone-challenged teenager that will make your life hell.

First of all, stop trying to reason with her. Even Dr. Phil says children/teens do not have full reasoning ability until they are in their 20's. Think about that. You don't have to explain details of your financial situation. And she shouldn't be rewarded for chores and grades that are expected of her. She is trying to wheel & deal with you like a pro. She may be smart, but YOU are the parent. She knows she can wear you down, and you really shouldn't continue with this, because, like I said - - - in a few years, it will be about curfews, dating and other things you'll need to have rules well-established for. Be firm . . . . . let your yes be yes, and your no be no. GOOD LUCK!

And a cell phone at age 12 is not necessary. My kids didn't get them until they started driving.

Answer 6

I would say "pick your battles"

The thing I love about online contacts is that my kids get to see other people's sites and evaluate for themselves how they want to be 'known'

MySpace is free... I'm guessing you have internet access because you are on YAnswers.

When she is working in the real world, the persistence that she displays with you has the potential to pay off. She works for something BEFORE she requests reciprocation. It won't always work, but it is way better than saying "if you do this for me, I will do this for you."

My daughter has had a MySpace account for quite awhile, and she made it private so only people she knows from school get on her page. Sometimes her friends are more open about things than I care for, but she is evaluating for herself and that matters.

You WILL need to make a myspace account too, so you can be her friend. That will make it less likely that she will do things that you wouldn't approve of (but they will always 'stretch' boundaries).

It's frustrating when kids challenge us, but she sounds like a good kid, and this is age appropriate.

Live well

Answer 7

How old is she? I'm wondering if she also has a piggy bank or a place to save money... if so, you could make a comparison on how YOU saved YOUR money to spend it on something YOU wanted just like SHE saves HER allowance to spend it on what SHE wants. Just a thought.... I've only got a 2 and 1/2 year old so I've got a ways to go, but HE'S got his own piggy bank and he's psyched to put money in it. =)

Good luck!

Answer 8

I don't blame you for what you're doing, but it also sounds like she is repeating what she hears:)
I would have told her the contract ran out and you had to get a net agreement.
But, in general don't get angry over something so little, just tell her you're still the provider.

Answer 9

She is worried because she is a smart girl.

Are there ways to reassure her? Perhaps she has some ideas about saving money--I'll bet you'd be surprised.

You are so blessed to have a daughter who loves you and is concerned for you. Reassure her and calm her fears.

Answer 10

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