Coping with a baby and a toddler on your own?

Question

My husband is due to go to Afghanistan for 6 months two weeks before our second baby is due. I will have to give birth without him but what really worries me is the subsequent 5 months. I know there are lots of single parents out there, but I'd be really grateful for advice as to how to cope. I don't have any familt members living close by and while I know I can ask them and friends to help out, I know I'll be on my own for a lot of the time. I want to enjoy my toddler and the new baby but I'm really worried I'll just end up getting run into the ground. I'd be really grateful to hear of others' experiences and how they coped.

Answer 1

WOW

You have a lot of wonderful wisdom from all these moms. I felt so warm reading everyone sharing baby experiences. What a great lot of parents! It is true, common sense parenting leaves you with memories so happy that you love to share and help others.

I had a 4 and a newborn when I ended up on my own. Truly I do not know how I did it. Actually, I joined a local woman's play group. These people moved on to preschool and so on and so on. Other mothers are a great source of support with each other.

My housekeeping standards were lowered. But I always left a clean kitchen when I went to bed at night and made sure the floors were clear. We became frequent visitors to the library and its programmes. We attended anything that was free. I cooked everything in doubles.and froze froze one. I learned to love my microwave. This way, meals heated up nice n fast for that 15 minute break between soccer and basketball practice. I did a lot of volunteer work. This lowered expenses significantly,

Because I was poor, meals were made from scratch. Sometimes I had a garden and that was always wonderful with little kids. Soups, deserts, cookies, treats, etc etc. At one time, I lived in a complex with many mothers in a similar state. One night I might make enough mac n cheese and salad for the 3 families. Next night...another . A few days later the 3rd turn. We had mixed success due to ... fussy eaters ... but it was also companionship.

Ask a relative ... point blank.. to please stay with your in the beginning. Or go "home" for a visit. Most Grandmother, I have found, love to feel needed and to spend time with their grand babies.

By the way. Those two babies have made this welfare momma proud. One was just offered a scholarship for her Masters in Computer Math research at the local Uni; the other is putting together a small business. But ... but... yesterday I was teaching them basic soccer and how to read!

When you can, when you can, have hot baths and pamper yourself. Make time for yourself and appreciate yourself. It is really hard. But Insh'Allah your husband will be home sooner than you can say, "Oh the first tooth!"

Answer 2

If you will only accept a healthy white infant, this can take years. My parents started the process in their mid 20s and they got me when they were 33 and 35 years old. If you decide to take on a child who really needs parents (i.e. a child from foster care who might not be womb wet, white, or healthy) you will be pleased to know that they are available almost right away. You just have to pass the home study and finish the paperwork. If you are dead set on a white infant (which is the holy grail of adoptions in this country) you can wait an awfully long time. Honestly, it sounds like an order for a product though, not a child. If you want to make a difference in a child's life, there are many out there who need help. They aren't white healthy infants though. Also, many health problems come on later in life. There are no guarantees that the child will remain healthy. I was healthy as an infant, but grew up with various and sundry problems, some of which were caused by my being adopted. Hmm.

Answer 3

make sure you have help 4 the 1st four weeks till you get your self into a routine,i have an 8 yr old,2 1/2 yr old and a 15 month old when the 3rd came along i was panicking i couldnt do it as my husband was working long hours but surprisingly i found it so easy to get into a routine.new babies just sleep for the 1st few months which gives u time to spend with your toddler and be able 2 do things around the house.it will be tiring but worth it and as my 2 are so close in age they are practically raising each other!the younger is following the older which makes it easier 4 you!just a warning,if there 2 boys there will be lot of in fighting with them eg toys n stuff but thats a bit away.have a good birth and enjoy your baby x

Answer 4

Wow. You have my best wishes. I'm expecting my second child. My first will be 20 months old when she's born, and I don't know how I'm going to do it with my husband and family here!!

I would suggest that you seriously relax your standards for cleaning and housekeeping. Don't stress if the house isn't perfect - it isn't going to be for at least 18 years, anyway, so why worry? And lay in a lot of meals in the freezer (see below) so that you can eat well without a lot of effort. I plan to do the Mega Menu Mailer before my second is born, because my husband isn't much of a cook. Nap when the babies nap. Try to get them on a similar schedule so they're both down at the same time. Consider co-sleeping - I know that with one, I get a lot more rest that way! Breastfeed, so you don't have to deal with sterilizing bottles, etc.

Is there anyone who can come stay with you for a while, or could you go stay somewhere? Seems to me that you're going to have your hands full.

Good luck! 6 months isn't forever, you'll do fine. I'll pray for your husband.

Answer 5

Honey does he really need to go,
Tell him you need him here, can he put it off til the baby comes,
I don't know much about the army do they have support systems for the wives,
I've been by myself since my baby was 2 weeks old and I had 2 elder children and to put it bluntly I was on my a*se,
What if the birth isn't straightforward,
What if a C-Section is needed.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I've been there,
Is there anyone who can support you, parents or friends cos this isn't something you can do alone.
No amount of toddler groups or walks in the park will help you get some sleep in the night, New babies wake every couple of hours
How are you going to get some sleep ???
I feel so sorry for you I wish I could help

Answer 6

hi, I just had a baby who is now 5 months, and a toddler who is three. It was harder than I thought, as I thought I new how to handle a baby! no 2 is not a good sleeper, so it is hard being tired all the time.

look into playgroups. they are all over the place, cheap, and a great support network. joing a few different ones in your area and try them out. your toddler will soon get to love playing with the other kids.

make sure you have any equipment you need, like a battery swing, and a double stroller, which will make it easier for you.

Answer 7

You will be fine; it makes you very strong. I was a deserted wife with 5 children, the youngest only eight months, 15 years ago. It's tough, but you can do it. Accept any offers of help that are made. You will be able to meet people in the local baby clinic too- a new baby is a sure conversation starter! i'm sure your husband must feel it too; he's probably worried sick about you. It's the "army wife" syndrome! My boss's husband is an army man, and she has got used to the 5 month absences. It has made her very independent;it takes a strong relationship to cope with those lengthy absences, but there are benefits. You appreciate each other so much more when you are together; you argue less, and of course, there is the money!
Get him to stay in touch every day with you, get him to ring you, to e mail you; my heart goes out to you - what a prospect!

Answer 8

I know this isn't an answer but...

I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. I have a daughter who just made 2 in Dec and am due in April... I will have to be alone for the birth and a month afterward... I know it isn't as long but I just wanted to say I understand how scary it is. Mommy instinct will take over, we'll make it.

BTW I will be in a brand new town with hubby finishing up job transfer, house sale, etc. back home so my chance of help is zero, and we are not in a position to hire help, the hospital I will be at has childcare for the birth and then a taxi home, I don't even know how I will be able to go grocery shopping or anything, two kids just seems so impossible.

I am sorry I couldn't offer advice, just empathy. I don't mean to rub this in, but you made me feel better because now I will think "at least it's not 6 months" and I mean that as in Thanks, I am not trying to be mean.

Just trust the mommy in you. It will be over before you know it.

Answer 9

Im a single mother of a baby who's 5 months old. I think the thought of it is alot worse than actually doing it. My best friend is a single mother to a toddler and a 4 month old. She copes great. You just need some adult company every now and then and you'll be fine. Dont worry, you'll manage it. You're made of tougher stuff than you think you are.

Answer 10

Hats off to you, girlfriend.
That is a lot to cope with.

I dont have children, but my man is due to go to Afghanistan in 8 months time and i am upset already. I dont want him to go.
I dont know how i would feel if i was pregnant with a small child!

Are you living in Army accomodation? I know the Army has support for families and wifes who get left behind. If you can buddy up with another army wife who has small children it would help you out a lot as she would be able to give you advice and company.

I also know there are a lot of websites out there for this sort of thing... try googling the subject and also go on the official Army website.