add jokes here?

Question

shakespear wets himself in the pub...landlord says "get out your bard"

man"doctor doctor i feel like a bridge"
doctor"good god man whats come over you"
man"16 cars a bus and a bicycle"

2 nuns driving down a country lane when all of a sudden dracula jumps on the roof of the car...
sister mary says "quick sister anne show him your cross"
sister anne "oi dracula get off the fu**ing car you wa**er"

Answer 1

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 2

well this is a riddle:

3 friends went into a hotel overnight and the hotel carged $30.00. The 3 went to their room and got comfy. Soon the desk clerk realized that he made a mistake and was supposed to charge $25.00. He tells the bellhop to take the extra 5 dollars to the 3 guests. The bellhop thinks it would be hard to split 5 dollars evenly with 3 people so he takes 2 bucks and pockets it. now it's at 25.00. here is the catch.

25-5 is 20. 20+10= 30. since the bellhop took 2 dollars and the guests got 3 dollars. and that is 5 dollars. 25+5=30.00 and thats what they payed. sort of a math problem.

here is another riddle:
1.How do you put a elephant in a freezer?

2.How do you put a polar bear in a freezer?

3. If there was a big gathering of all the animals in the world, which one isn't there?

Answer: The polar bear because he's in the freezer.

Answer 3

desperately needs hearing aid...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him> fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be pleased that you can hear again." The
gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
_______________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we> went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What
is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know...the one that's red
and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled,"Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?
_____________________

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed
and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him. "I don't know," he said."She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
__________________________


A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things> down to help them
remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in
the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice
cream?"Sure.","Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?" she asks"No, I can
remember it.","Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to
forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that,write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he
toddles into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes, the
old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate
for a moment."Where's my toast?"
_______________________


Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy,
isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I.Let's go get a beer."
__________________________


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art.It's perfect." "Really,"
answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
_____________________


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Answer 4

A visitor to a mentel institution asked the director how he decidedwhich patients should be kept in. The directorsaid, " we fill up a bath. then offer the patient ateaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath tub." The visitor says " Oh i see, a normal person would choose a bucket because its biggest." The director says "No a normal person would pull the plug out. Would youlike a bed near the window."

Answer 5

10 out of 10

Answer 6

paddy and mick had a nightmare day visiting the sperm bank in london.........






paddy missed the tube and mick came on the bus........... xx

...........................................................................

a flat chested woman goes shopping for a new bra.
she goes into several shops asking for a size 28 a, but has no luck.
she eventually finds a small lingerie shop run by an old deaf woman.
she asks her for a size 28a, the old lady asks the woman" what was that dear?"
the woman lifts up her top, "have you got anything for these?"
the old woman has a look and replies " no dear, have you tried clearasil??"

Answer 7

Two nuns on a park bench when a flasher walks by, one had a stroke but the other couldn't reach.

Answer 8

How do u get a fat girl into bed???......... A PIECE OF CAKE!!

3 GAYS IN THE BATH, WHEN SOME1 SEES SOME SPUNK FLOATING AT THE TOP OF THE WATER...th
en asks outloud...''WHO FARTED???''

knock knock........
whos there?
Bella!!!
bella who?
Bella no ringa thats a why i knocka!!!!!

Answer 9

Q. Whats the difference between a Prostitute and a Drug Dealer?

A. A Prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Answer 10

sorry no joke... but 2 points