My 21 year old son says his girlfriend is pregnant and wants to marry her. He is in the Marines .?

Question

He had an on and off relationship with her while he was deployed for 8 months. He came home Dec. 15th 06. Saw her for the first time Jan 2nd 07. By Jan 18th she said she was pregnant with his child. She claims she had her period Dec 20th. They had sex on the 2nd of Jan. Now he wants to marry her. This would be my first grandchild if it's true. I have doubts, my son said he does not. I talked to him in confidence about being on the birth certificate and legal obligations. He went and told her, she was very angry with me. I have never met her as I live in,Ny, she lives in S. Carolina and he is stationed in N. Carolina. She is due end of Sept. My son will be out of the Marines end of July. She wants to marry in S. Carolina and have the baby there, then they want to move in with us. I have no problem taking her in, but have doubts about the baby. I don't think either will go for a DNA test .Now my 19 year old wants to date a girl with a 2 month old (not his 4 sure) and play daddy. HELP!!!!

Answer 1

I would tell your son that it is nothing personal toward his girlfriend (how could it be as you haven’t even met her?) and that any good, caring mother (which parenting doesn’t end at the age of emancipation – they are adults, but young adults and they still need guidance) would be concerned about the future given the circumstances. I would worry about the unborn being actually his too since I didn’t have any familiarity with his girlfriend, and your son hasn’t either. How are you to know her reputation, or character? How would your son know that, given the military life conditions of briefly coming and going? I also would consider the length of time he knows her, and been with her. I wonder if they both did a compatibility questionnaire, what would the results be? I mention this because there are so many divorces and ugly scenarios with it, which the child usually suffers the most from, and perhaps both the girlfriend and your son could learn something from compatibility results to know each other more? Also, if the girlfriend has certainty of your son being the father, then she shouldn’t balk at a paternity test – it’s not like the two of them were together for a number of years, and in the same location where any around them (including your son) could be assured the likelihood that all would be well between the two marriage/family wise. I commend your son for wanting to honor his girlfriend and support the future baby, but he really ought to honor himself first by taking care of not jumping into big moves (marriage and fatherhood) especially with the unknown variables present. Their situation is after all out of the practical norm of couples that ideally spend at least a couple of years together and really get to know one another before making the decision of a life commitment, and then followed with starting a family (what all good moms ideally want to see it happen for their children).

It sounds like both your sons are having issue with taking care of themselves first, before taking care of others, no disrespect intended and only my opinion of course. I would tell them that they are robbing themselves of one of the most wonderful times of their lives, and that is the freedom to do what they want, when they want, get to know themselves and experience life the way they want and once the knot is tied, and commitment is done they will never be able to return to that part of their lives unscathed, so it (settling down/commitment) should be considered with great thought and care to themselves before it’s too late and can’t turn back. In the end though, you will likely have to accept what ever decisions they make for themselves, and by starting out a conversation with the both of them saying that, you will create a safe start and they will be more open to and take more seriously these things/issues that really should be considered by them both.

I know what it is like – my son aged 22 is in the Air-force, met his girl in boot camp, and eventually they married within a year – now going on three years married and have no children. Talk about scary though! I asked my son, daughter, son-in-law and daughter-in-law to promise me not have any children (intentionally and to be careful - no oops!) until they got their education (college) and so far, they have honored that promise. I enjoy all of them calling me with questions, want my thoughts and takes on life things, and that shows their maturity, because they all know I only say things I do because I care, and have no ill intentions for them. My daughter married an international student 6 months earlier than planned because his student visa was running out and she didn’t want to lose him after 1.5 years together. She’s 20 next month, her first anniversary is next week, and in her junior year in college –her husband is in senior year. Son’s wife is in college to become a cop, and he (son) wants to learn the home building trade from my father and take over the 40 year business he built. I told my children sometime ago when they asked me what I wanted/expected from them, and I said, to do and be better than me. They are a part of the line called ‘progress’. Sorry I rattled on too much, and Good Luck!

Answer 2

I think it's a great idea for her to move in with you and your son. You're son must be a very good guy to make sure she has everything she needs. Her dad will come around to it. If they want to get married then let them. Marriage doesn't always cause trouble. It's just a piece of paper. If their in love let them be. What Lauren H said about abortion. Do not go that away. Having a baby is not throwing your life away, by no means is it that. Just because you are a teenager doesn't mean you do not have enough love for a baby.

Answer 3

Wow, you are under alot of stress with your boys right now! I understand how you feel about your 21 yr old Marine son and his girl, but it sounds like he has no doubt that this baby is his. It's hard to get through to someone who is in love, as you well know, love can be blind! If he won't talk about a DNA test, then the best thing you can do as his Mom is to be there for him and be supportive of their union. She may not be your pick for him, but you have to let him go and learn his own lessons the hard way. Hopefully, it will all work out and they will be happy together. As for your younger son, what can you do other than to talk to him about the overwhelming responsibilites he'll take on as a Dad to someone elses child. No matter how much sense it makes to us, he probably won't pay attention either. Just continue to love and support your boys and be there for them if things fail. Life is so hard and it's too bad that it takes so long in life to figure out that you should have listened closer to your parents advise! Pray and ask for strength and guidance. I wish you all the best!

Answer 4

If your son loves her then you should support him fully with getting married to her. He's not disputing that the child isn't his so whats the problem? He's 21 he can make his own decisions he's looking for your support. Support him don't push him away especially just in case it doesn't work out.
For your 19 year old he's his own age too, but give him the reasons why he shouldn't get involved with someone with a child so young. Now obviously it's his choice in the end, but as long as you're open with him and talk to him about it maybe he'll see what she's looking for.

Answer 5

Unfourtunatly there aren't many trustworthy women out there anymore. As a former service man I know that there are plenty of females out there that want to take advantage of the military benefits. If I were you I would force the paternity test. Or else not let them move in. It's tough love, but you are looking out for the best interest of your son.

As for the 19yr old you need to tell him that he is not just risking breaking his and her heart, the heart of a child. I understand that the child is young but he needs to be aware that if he's around while the child is growing up, he will be seen as the father figure. That may not be the worst thing in the world, but he needs to understand that he's got to look at the big picture. Good Luck

Answer 6

Well thats a hard one. Lets start at the 19 yr old, simple.Let him do what he wants to do.He'll eitheir realize on his own the responsiblities of being in a childs life thats not his.Or it willmake him want more to give more to his kids one day so he want be in that position.the oonly thing bad that could come out of that is him wanting to stay in that one part of his life without farther growth, which is highly doubtful.plus now of days it's highly unlikley to find young aldults with out a child.If he really likes her and the child thing isn't changing his mind i doubt his mom could.Sorry....

Now on to your biggest worry,first he's 21.He's going to make his own decison's no matter what.And as far as the baby moma thing, your right to be worried but attacking the issue head on want help.It'll push them and you far a part. He obivously loves her.But, the child thing could be influencing him a little more.So explain to both of them that marring for a child isn't a good idea, don't mention the dna test, cause you'll be pushing them a way.Ask them to see a marriage counseler,to just talk about their union since it will be to god thier vowing thier love to.Just advise them to think about it. Support,him and her,even take the time to get to know her cause you never know what if it is his's.Then you just push away the mother of your grandchild, and your grandchild.Good Luck!!!

Answer 7

This is life, your son is old enough to make a decision for himself but telling him about your concerns is your right as his mother. Just don't doubt you daughter-in-law to be, think positive for as long as they are in loved that what matters most. As for for you other child, there is nothing wrong him dating a girl who has a baby already they are just dating. Just be sure your son is open about his relationship. And think positive again don't put the girl down because she already has a baby. There is a reason and lesson learned from this.

Answer 8

If you live in another state and have never even met this girl, then why are you so quick to say that this child is not your sons. Maybe its that old thing about "no one being good enough for your son"? In any case if your son isn't questioning her truthfulness then leave it alone, Its their lives. Instead try being happy that you raised a son who is man enough to stand up and be responsible. You may be your son's mother, but know when to let go and let them lead their own lives.

Answer 9

My husband retired from the Marines, (we've been together for 18 of his 20 years) and if I had a nickel for every girl that got pregnant by a young military guy..and he married her because she was pregnant..I'd be one rich woman. Honey, the only thing you can do is support him. If the marriage doesn't work..and I hate to say it but they usually don't he'll need you in his corner. She is probably mad because you're on to her. Hang in there, you've done your part as the mother and you know the deal..so to speak. Let him live his life he will have to learn from his mistakes.

p.s. my husband married a woman at 20, had a child, and of course they divorced within 2 years of their marriage. Live and learn.

Answer 10

Okay, this is just one man's opinion but, this is how I would handle it. Wish your son well and congratulate him on his total responsible attitude and wish to 'do the right thing'. Tell him you would be happy to meet this young lady when they choose to come to dinner and meet you and your husband or whomever you are with at this point. If after meeting them as a couple and talking with her at length you find you could get along with her(and them as a couple living under your roof, suggest to them that for the sake of argument she have a DNA test to establish the fatherhood, so as to avoid later repercussions if she wishes to live under YOUR rules in YOUR house. If the two of them do not wish to see YOUR doctor and get these painless procedures done to satisfy your need to protect YOUR family, again wish them well, wave goodbye and wait it out. Your son WILL be back when it all flies to sh*t, I guarantee! The only reason she could possibly have for not wanting the test done is that she has doubts as to the veracity of her claim. Nobody gets a 100% certain positive test result after 2 weeks...and especially not with an OTC test kit!!! Good luck, you all sound a little naive to me!

Answer 11

let your 21 year old son think it straight, whether he'll be able to accept the responsibility is up to him. but you must also have confidence in him, its his responsibility when he wanted to be with the girl, let him decide on it. you can be supportive of your son, cause a baby is a huge responsibility and you know that. a couple of newly-weds won't be able to take care of a baby properly, they'll need your guidance in helping to take care of the baby. try to help them out to the best of your ability, who knows the baby might be a great addition to the family too.

as for you 19 year old, he wants to be with the girl even though she already has a child. he's trying to be protective and feels that this girl clearly has to be helped. it might be weird to see him carrying a child thats not his but your son is already 19 and by that age he should be able to make his decisions properly. him dating the girl doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to get married in the future. just try letting him make his own decisions for once.