my husband is deployed... THE INLAWS!!?

Question

i have two babies with my husband and he is currently in iraq. he wanted me to move back home so here i am. thing is my inlaws are always critizing on how i take care of my kids. i gets me mad cause to me my kids are perfectly healthy and they always find pathetic things on them just so they could make me feel bad. the other day my mother in law told me my son had fever and she gave him tylenol when i asked her how bad it was she said it was 99.0 that was nothing!! then my son busted his lip playing in daycare. my father in law made a big ol deal about it, boys will be boys. i dont want to baby my son, he has to get hurt once in a while. i dont want to be rude with them but i also dont want to put my husband in the middle what do i do? should i let them tell me how to take care of my kids?

when i mention stuff like i dont give julian medication until he really needs it because his liver always gets elevated they look at me like im retarded. and i am so against giving my kids caffeine and thats all they give them over there! and last time while i took my daughter to the doctor my mother in law came over to babysit and i noticed that she went through my stuff, she's just going to far right? im not cheating on her son and dont intend to. i dont know what she was looking for i had left diapers and wipes out! sometimes i tell her dont give him this or whatever and its like it goes in one ear and out the other!

Answer 1

Your inlaws sound like my mom. I feel for you. I have to sit down with my mom every week or so and remind her that her daughter is thirty and mine is almost five. She seems to get confused about that. Don't expect instant results. There seem to be a lot of grandparents out there who are trying to prevent their kids/inlaws from making "mistakes" while raising children. The key seems to be reminding these grandparents that the parents (we) are human and will make what they consider to be mistakes, but that we are doing the very best that we can and that what worked for them with their children may not necessarily work with the grandkids. There are many things that my mother did with me that she now tries to do with my daughter. I loved these things at the time, but, as a parent, think that they were mistakes.

You have to let your inlaws know that they have already raised their kids and now it's time for them to step back. If you don't make any progress on your own, then it's time to call in the troops and get your husband to weigh in, hopefully on your side of the issue.

Unless your actions put your children in physical or emotional danger, your inlaws need to back off and let you do what they did with their kids...live and learn. No one is perfect and no two kids are the same.

Best of luck with the inlaws, the kids, and the military. I've dealt with them all. If it doesn't drive you crazy, it will make you a very strong person.

Answer 2

You can be polite and thank them for their love and interest in your childrens life and that you are thankful that the kids have grandparents that are wanting to be so involved. Explain that while you dont want them to totally back off (even if you really do!) that you do have a different parenting style / discipline methods / standards than they do...and since you are the mom you would appreciate it if they could accept that. Explain that the constant criticism is hurtful and frustrating. They probably are not trying to be...they just love the kiddies they have been gone for so long.

In all, be kind, gentle and make it a "crap sandwich" -- some nice to start, the crap in the middle and close off with some more nice. Good luck!

Answer 3

These people are a bunch of oppionated pushy know it alls. If I were you I would pack up and move somewhere else. Your husband thought that they would help but this is causing you more stress. Is there some other place that you can move by your parents or sisters or brothers for support? This would drive me crazy. It is bad enough you have the stress of your husband being at war and then to have to deal with this too. Run as fast as you can. Just tell your husband it is not working out living by them. Good luck.

Answer 4

It's time to put your foot down but in a nice way.Let her know that these are YOUR children and that if you have any questions or need her help you will let her know.Sorry to say but she will keep doing this till you step up and put her in her place.Beliveme I know I had a MIL that is the same way.She WAS very controling butnot anymore.I think she respects menow and yours will do 1 of 2things.She will either 1) stop being so bossy and respect you or 2) she will be pissed off at you and not speak to you but in my bok either way you still win.I know this is all easier said then done but it has to be done and it does work.Also this way you are keeping your man out of it.Good Luck!

Answer 5

Staying quiet is not the best thing...your silence will imply that you agree with what they're saying. I think it's important to let them feel included, but you definitely need to let them know that you are confidant in your own parenting abilities, and that while you appreciate their concern and help, you, and you alone, need to be responsible for handing out medications, medical treatment, etc.
Use your pediatrician as your excuse for everything.
"My pediatrician says not to give Timmy Tylenol unless he has a fever over 101."
"My pediatrician says not to seek medical attention for a cut unless it's smiling (the cut is split apart, showing inside tissue)"
"My pediatrician says not to put the baby to bed with a bottle"
"My pediatrician says that it's okay if the baby sleeps with me"
You get what I'm saying....if it's not your opinion against theirs, maybe they'll chill out a little.
Just a thought....

Answer 6

Just be over polite, tell them how grateful you are for their advice and then walk away, you don't have to be sarcastic. They may have the best intentions at heart. They did raise your husband didn't they? If they haven't gotten the hint that you don't want their advice merely explain to them that although you are sure they are just trying to help, their suggestions are hurtful and that you are capable of raising your children without their assistance. Try not to alienate them, it will only hurt the children and your husband by doing so.

Answer 7

I have a similar situation; my husband is away (working up north, not in the military) and I have my in-laws fairly close by. Your in-laws sound more intrusive and mean, and that's definitely not okay. You probably can't ban them from your kids, but don't let them in your house, not while your husband's away, if they're being really nosy; it's your house & you can do that. Spell out what you don't want them to do so they can't say they didn't know. And if necessary, tell your husband to talk to them; they're HIS parents so it's his job, and his first priority is to you, not them. Try to handle it gracefully so bridges aren't burned, but ultimately it's your house and your children, and you get to say.

Answer 8

Been there. If you really want to get them to get off your back then tell them
"YOU RAISED YOUR KIDS NOW LET ME RAISE MINE"

I told my mother in-law that and I never heard her again say I shouldn't be doing that or I'm not doing that right and she never again told me that I was a bad mother.

Answer 9

Pack up your kids and go stay with your parents or get your own apartment. Tell your inlaws that they are your children and you dont need them to raise YOUR children.
Their job is to spoil the grandkids, NOT interfere with how you raise them.

Answer 10

You need to be honest with them, they are just being overprotective grandparents that's their job, you need to let them know it's upsetting to you that they think you can't handle it, tell them you will take suggestions into consideration. They are just trying to help with your hubby gone and going over board and maybe not even realizing it, unless you tell them.