Need Your Best Joke Ever?

Question

Hey give me your best joke ever. It doesn't have to be clean it can be sexist, rascist, blondist (i mean it can be a joke about haricolors), or anything else... no restrictions.
P.S. Make me laugh

Answer 1

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Answer 2

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 3

Two guys go to a whor""""""""""house and tell the madam they want to try something new"so shegives them each a blow up doll.20mins later they met guy 1 saids how was it,dident to nothing but lay there,what about yours? Ithik she was a witch the guy repley,what happen?I bit her on the neck"she farted"and flew out the windoe

Answer 4

Uh wwell its pretty goofy but its cute. So these two women are talking and one of the ladies says to her friend that she was pregnant with twins. and her friend asked her how she knew if she was so early and the pregnant woman said she took two pregnancy tests and they both showed up positive.

Answer 5

Three blondes broke outta jail. They ran and hid in a farm. When the police approached they jumped and each hid in a potatoe sack.

The police came in and saw the sacks so they kicked the first one and hear, "Ruff Ruff"

"Oh, there's a dog in there."

Then they kicked the second one and heard, "Meow."

"Oh, there's a cat in there."

When they got to the last one and kicked it, they heard,
"PO-TA-TOE."

Answer 6

Santa Ana had 15,000 mexican soldiers at the Battle of the Alamo, why did he lose............? He only had one '58 Chebby.

Answer 7

1. How do you get a cuban into a box?
Tell them it floats
2.What's a Mexican baptism?
A Bean Dip

Answer 8

1.)what do u call a group of white people running down a hill?
avalanche
what do u call a group of black people running down the hill?
mudslide
what do u call a group of mexicans running down a hill?
jailbreak
(racist i no)

2.)a blonde was suspecting that her boyfriend was cheating on her. so, she bought a gun. she unexpectedly went 2 her boyfriend's house and sure enough, he had a redhead with him.the blonde took out the gun, but filled with grief, she put it to her head. the BF said, "honey, no, dont", and the blonde said, "shut up ur next"

3.)A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freakin hot down here!!!!!

4.)There is a young girl in Sunday school and the teacher asks her 3 questions. First she asks " Would created the Earth?" A boy behind the girl pokes her with a pencil and she yells "God Almighty!" and the teacher says ''Correct." Second, the teacher asks "Who gave his life apon the cross to save us all?" The boy pokes the girl again and she exclaims "Jesus Christ!" And the teacher says "correct!". Third, the teacher asks "what did Eve say to Adam when they were making babies?" and the pokes the girl again and she said, "I swear to God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, i will break it in half!"

5.)chuck norris jokes:
one time, chuck norris had a staring contest w the sun..he won (solar eclipses...get it?)

chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding

chuck norris is the reason why barney is purple

it takes chuck norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes

the 3 leading causes of death are:1.)heart disease 2.)chuck norris 3.)cancer

chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends told him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

6.)a cowboy walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman. The woman asked, "Are you a cowboy?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, I've lived my whole life on a farm, rancing abd riding horses, so yes, I think I'd be considered a cowboy."

The woman says, "Well, I'm a lesbian."

The cowboy asks, "What's that?"

The woman says, "Well, every morning I think about women, during meals I think about women, in the shower I think about women, at work I think about women, and every waking moment I'm thinking about women."

The cowboy nods and is silent. A while later, after the woman had left, a man sat down next to the cowboy. He asks, "Hello, are you a cowboy?"

The cowboy said, "Well, I thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"




long i no, but i think theyre funny