I'm in need of a laugh, Whats your favorite joke?

Answer 1

These are funny!!

1. An American, a frenchman, and an englishman were walking through the amazon when they were captured by the natives. The natives told them that they were going to kill them and use their skins to make canoes. The 3 men would be given the choice on how they would die.

The Englishman said "Give me a gun." Upon getting the gun he said, "Love live the Queen!" and shot himself.

The Frenchman said,"Give me a sword." He said "Vive la France!" and impaled himself.

The American said "Give me a fork." Upon getting the fork, he began stabbing himself all over his body saying "screw your canoes!"


2. Ok this is a good one...

3 explorers get lost in the jungle and get kidnapped by a jungle tribe. The tribe's cheifs told the explorers to collects 9 of a fruit and perform a task, then he won't kill them.

The first explorer came with 9 oranges.

The cheif says "Shove em up your butt without showing any emotion, then i will let you go."

The terified explorer started shoving. On the second orange he winced. He was immediately killed by the cheif.

The second explorer came after the other explorer's death. he had grapes. The chef told him the task and the exporer began.

On the 9th grape the explorer started laughing and was killed.

The 2 explorers meet in heaven.

The first one asks" why'd you laugh, you almost had it?

The 2nd explorers says " I saw the 3rd guy coming with pineapples!"


3.A Cuban, A Mexican, & an American were all sitting in a boat, fishing, having a great time. The cuban reaches into his pocket and pulls out a (cuban) cigar, and the mexican and american pull out a cigarette. They all light up, and after a few puffs the Cuban throws the cigar out into the ocean. The American baffled and confused asked "Why did you throw that over board, arent Cubans ridiculously expensive?" the cuban leans back and replies "In my country, cubans are plentiful." at which point the mexican looks at his cigarette and throws it over board and says "in my country cigarettes are plentiful." Of coarse now the American sits back, looks down at his cigarette and throws the mexican overboard......

Answer 2

A woman "of a certain age" visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do that," she said. "He won't even take an Aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and plates flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and then, he took me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But, I'll never be able to show my face in that Dunkin' Donuts ever again!"

Answer 3

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

Answer 4

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

Answer 5

Life is like a bx of chocolates:
You'll never know when Chuck Norris is gonna kill you!

Answer 6

These are great!