I invited someone to dinner at my house, and I told the guest that I was serving a salmon dish...?

Question

...which is of of my specialties. Three other couples were also invited.

The (prospective) guest informed me that she ate no fish for moral reasons, and that her children didn't like fish at all.

I was dumbfounded. My questions:

1. Who said anything about inviting her children?! It was a dinner invitation that wouldn't have broken up until 11 p.m., which is much too late for children.

2. Did this woman expect me to play short-order cook for her? She's not allegric to fish, so it wouldn't have killed her to shut up and eat the main course as a grown up would. Alternatively, she could have pretended to have a conflictng appointment (another thing that grown-ups do).

Am I losing my mind, or is this woman's behavior considered normal?

Thanks for your input.

Answer 1

First, you say, "Oh! I hadn't thought about inviting children to an adult party. It's expected to last much too late for them."

And then you say, "Well, maybe you could make it over some other night. We're having my special salmon at this party."

Don't back down because of some pushy dame. Stick to your plans. Her behavior is not normal. It's pushy and pretentious.

Answer 2

I think it's nice that she informed you of her dietary preferences. Would you rather that she get to your house and then refuse to eat the food you served on the night of the dinner? If I were serving a dinner and found out that my guests wouldn't eat it, I would feel sad. I'd much rather provide a dinner that everyone would enjoy. You don't have to not serve salmon; just make sure that you have other dishes that she would eat (in other words, the side dishes). A gracious guest won't make a big deal about it. I find your implication that she should give up her beliefs for your dinner a little troubling, though. Would you have the same issues with a person who wouldn't eat a dish for religious reasons? It stands to reason that, if you are inviting this person to be a guest in your home, you actually want this person's company.

As far as assuming that the children were invited, it definitely seems like some kind of misunderstanding happened there. You can say something like, "I'm sorry if we had a misunderstanding; this is supposed to be an adults only dinner party. I hope this won't prevent you from coming."

Answer 3

I believe you did the right thing by providing the person an idea of the menu up front, since many people are allergic to certain foods, or may not be able to eat it (for religious reasons or simply because they do not like it.)

I am quite frankly surprised by this person who you invited. First off, she should have asked you if her kids were welcome if it was not clear that this was an adult only party. Next, if I cannot eat fish and my children were the same, I would simply advise that I am unable to attend but appreciate the offer.

If the person absolutley needed to be there (hobby group or project get-together), then I would have told the host I would be showing up, but would be late and would not be able to attend the dinner portion of the evening.

I would think this person is clearly not up to speed on proper etiquette.

Your only answer to this person should hopefully have been to make it clear that this get together is for adults only (no children), and that she was welcome to come over and enjoy the soup, salad, entrees or whatever else other than the fish was available, but that there would simply be no way for you to prepare custom dishes for everyone.

At least I hope you know not to invite her again without making a few things painfully clear to her - lol

Answer 4

Well it is the way now days.Rude is in.Just cancel the invitation to her.Then just have the other people over.You could just call her and tell her that there must have been a misunderstanding---there was no children mentioned in the invite.People should have the right to not invite children to an adult dinner party.Feed her a green salad and everyone else the regular.Or call and tell her that you are so sorry about her being unable to attend,when she ask what,just tell her that when she didn't want to eat the food on the menu that meant she wasn't interested in coming..Good luck with the dinner party,your friend s will have a blast...

Answer 5

I don't eat fish (or meat) for moral reasons either and would politely say so to anyone who had asked me to dinner. I would then offer to bring something for myself as I wouldn't expect anyone else to provide a special meal just for me. My friends, however, always take delight in coming up with something different that we can all eat, as well as providing the original meal for those who don't wish to eat otherwise. You say that she said her children didn't like fish at all, could it be that you innocently misunderstood the context in which it was said? She could just have been making the observation that her children didn't like fish at all and not meaning that she was expecting them to attend your dinner. Also, it's not a question of her not being allergic to fish, she has strong moral grounds for not wanting to eat fish, and it is wrong for anyone to expect her to go against her beliefs.

At least she was honest with you and didn't lie by saying that she had a prior engagement, which if she had said so and you found out at a later date that she didn't...well I guess you wouldn't have been too pleased about it would you.

Talk to her, see if there has been a misunderstanding and see if she can suggest a way around what she would like to eat.

Some years ago, not long after we had moved here, our neighbour invited us and another neighbour to dinner. I explained that I was a vegetarian and she said that was ok because she was doing a fish lasagne. I explained to her that I would not be able to eat it as vegetarians do not eat fish. She then said that I would eat it just that once for her. I again explained that I would not eat fish, so she asked me what she could do for me then. I simply gave her some "vegetarian mince" with which she made a smaller lasagne, and in all honesty, she ate more of that than the fish one! We had a lovely evening and nothing was ever mentioned about the fishy business again!

I hope you can get it sorted amicibaly and that you have a lovely evening when you have your friends over for the dinner.

Answer 6

Her behavior was questionable -- if she is a vegetarian, she could simply say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a vegetarian. But don't worry -- I'm sure there will be delicious side dishes that I can eat." As to how she got the idea you were inviting the whole family -- well, I guess it's better to find out now than when they all showed up on your doorstep. Your reply could have been, "I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear, but this is an adults-only evening." As to what you says when she announces she won't eat salmon, you say something like, "Don't worry, there will be a number of side dishes that you'll probably be able to eat."

Answer 7

Your invitee was rude, crude, and socially unacceptable.
As you have stated, she SHOULD have:
1. left the children with a sitter...they were not invited
2. shut up and eaten the fish
or
3. had a 'previous' engagement which would have prevented her attendance at your party.

You are not losing your mind, these days it is considered 'normal' to preach about your food habits, drag your children along with you everywhere, and expect five star service at an acquaintence's home.
OTOH, perhaps the children are so wild that there is not a sitter in town who would take the job?

At any rate, such behavior is extremely rude and she would no longer be on any of _my_ invitation lists.

Answer 8

Yes and no!

For the first part, I agree with you 100%! Assuming her children were invited is completely unacceptable and rude; if you invited her, then she can't asume she can take her family along.

For the second part I totally disagree with you. Personal preferences are acceptable, and not unusual or rude. Would you expect a vegetarian to eat meat? Would you expect a Muslim to eat pork? She does NOT get 'high and mighty' with you as another poster suggested, nor did she 'preach' about her morals; unless I miss-read your question she only said *she* didn't eat fish for *her* moral reasons, she never even suggested you & the other guests should stop eating it. People's own morals are their own, as long as she isn't trying to convert anyone there's NOTHING rude or inconsiderate about that. You shouldn't expect people to 'just eat it', nor to push it aside on their plate (that'd be a far greater waste!).

Answer 9

Tell her something like this:

"I'm sorry! I didn't know that you did not eat fish. Thank you, though, for responding to my invitation. I'm sorry that you will not be able to participate in this dinner party, but, perhaps the next?"

The above speaks volumes enough about it all. And, the next time you invite her, be sure to advise her that you are giving "An adult dinner party for a party of ____ adults" and tell her what you are preparing to serve, like you did before. You extended the courtesy of letting your invited guests know beforehand what they could expect to be served at your dinner party and nothing more was required from you. [e-mail]

Answer 10

You did the proper thing by telling your guest the menu before hand so that there wouldn't be a misunderstanding. But your guest over stepped her bounds by also inviting her children as well and by showing her rudeness by telling you she didn't like the dish as well.
Serve it anyway and let her know the menu or the hour hasn't changed.

Answer 11

Icant believe her! That was very rude on many levels!!!I would give her a call and let her know this is adult dinner only and if she would still like to come you would be glad to give her a salad instead.Next time I would not invite her just because she is very rude.She should have politely declined your offer instead of expecting you to accommodate her.Well I hope you dinner turns out nicely despite the rudeness