How can a guy suddenly "not be mentally ready to give me what I need in a relationship" after over 2 years?

Question

I thought we had a great relationship - now suddenly I have a couple of depressed months and he feels so much pressure that he suggests we break up? Because he's "not mentally ready" for the kind of relationship I need? I wasn't asking for marriage, I was just asking for him to be a friend and help me feel less depressed. A month ago we were just as happy as can be...what happened??? Is it really over? Because I am in major denial.

We're both 23 and we've both been depressed, having trouble figuring out what we want from life. I just figured if nothing else, we knew we wanted each other. Now I'm not sure of anything.

Thanks to all of you with smart and compassionate answers. I don't think I'm ready to give up on us but I think I definitely need to learn to depend on myself on not someone else to make me happy. :)

Answer 1

Be prepared, he has outgrown you and is ready to move on.

Answer 2

Is your depression his excuse for leaving the relationship? Talk about being together 'for better or worse'?! I know you're not married, but if you're in a steady relationship you have a right to expect him to be there for you when you're going through something like depression. This is what partners do in a loving relationship.

I am assuming that you're dealing with your depression, e.g., going to counselling and/or on medication? You say you want him to 'help you feel less depressed'. You know he can't really do that, right? He can only be there for you while YOU help yourself. Maybe you're asking too much.

He says he's not 'mentally ready' - maybe he just doesn't know how to help and is feeling frustrated. Could he speak with your doctor/therapist? More information about your situation might help.

Or is it actually he's not 'emotionally ready'? In which case he's either not committed to your relationship, or he's not capable of dealing with other people's pain. If this is the case, you're better off without him. If he can't handle something like depression, how would he handle other life emergencies and stresses that will no doubt come his way? What if you had a child together that had a medical problem?

Good luck.

Answer 3

It sounds like a way for him to break off the realtionship in an acceptable fashion (to him) when he has been wanting to for a little bit. How old are you? Becvause if you are still in the teens or even early twenties, then it could just be the relationship has run it's course. But it sounds like there is more going on here then the simply version you posted. First off, which is it, a depressed couple of months where there have been problems or a month? Second, how did you "suddenly" have a deprssed couple of months? That seems odd. Have you been depressed or semi-depressed for a while? I don't know you, or him, but I am willing to bet you have been on the verge of depression or in depression for longer than 2 months, and it was difficult for him. And now that oyu have real depression he split because he is too frustrated to deal. I could be wrong, but either way you need to rely on you and pull yourself up. nobody can do that for you.

Answer 4

I don't think it is over. Sometimes us girls can be pretty over whelming to a guy when we get depressed. Seems if he put up with your depression for two months is an indication that he really tried to be there for you. It all just got to him and he needed a breather. It is unfair for you to expect him to always make you feel better. It feels good to have loving support from the man we love, but you alone are responsible for how you feel. Stop acting like a child and take control of your life and your emotions or you run the risk of jeopardising your relationship with him. Hope you think about this and that my advice has helped you.

Answer 5

This kind of thing happened to me recently.

If you two have been together for 2 years already, you need to fight for the relationship. Fighting doesn't mean you're going downhill. All couples go through a bunch of crap, especially in 2 years time.

Try to cheer up. Easier said than done, but I was depressed but then got Zoloft and it works so well. After I took the meds, our relationship was just generally happier. Maybe he just hates to see you so sad and thats what he means by "mentally ready". My boyfriend was becoming depressed because of me. But once I got better, things went back to normal.

Good luck sweetheart!

If you need any more advice, just let me know.
I've been through the same exact thing.

Answer 6

It sounds to me that he can not handle the pressure of your illness. How bad is your depression? Are you seeing a Doctor? How has it affected your relationship? Sometimes when issues like this come into a relationship it can scare the other person. I think you should seek some professional help and find it why you are feeling so depressed.

Answer 7

Don't be afraid of letting go of this one. some relationships just peeter out....you may be depressed because your not getting what you want out of this relationship...time to move on and not keep him hanging on a string. this won't work.
Be assured that once your free you'll find another that will make you happy. but remember, relationships go two ways. you have to give as well as receive. if you feel your giving and not getting back then ( in my opinion ) let go... tell him you agree with this resolution and that you may be ready to move on also..
Take some time for yourself. Go out with the girls and stay active. eventually you'll find another guy that you'll want to date. don't rush into things, always take it slow. that way you'll know for sure if he's the right one for you.. it looks like you gave this guy lots of time, don't waste any more of you time on someone who's not sure about anything.......I wish you luck

Answer 8

Hmmmm.

Ever heard of a fairweather boyfriend.

I don't think you are providing "the stuff" on a regular basis during your depression, and this lazy boy doesn't have time to "wait" for you to get out of your funk.

He is prepared to go out there and find another girl who can put out without all of the "gothic" depression stuff. You are yesterday and he is ready to move past yesterday.

If you are in denial, then you are cocooned in your own false reality and need to wake up while you still have some self-dignity left.

Answer 9

Don't waste your time lingering hopefully. He is withholding from you, and he will never give you what you want. It is a form of control on one hand. On the other hand, it's not who he is. He is limited to what he can give. He's never acquired the tools to deal with a relationship that requires him to reciprocate. If you stay with him, you will only feel more depressed. Find your answers and strength within yourself. Realize that his behavior is a red flag for you to leave the relationship and know that you can have what you want. It's just that he's not the one who's going to give it to you.

Answer 10

The scope of your problems needs to be handled by a professional and not your boyfriend.I know you don't want to hear this but what it sounds like you've become is a toxic person.Dragging him down with you in your depressed state of mind.So he is distancing himself from you.If you don't want a solution as so many people don't for your problems then your just whinying.

Answer 11

If he isn't ready to be with you through up and downs that relationships always go through , then be happy it's over. Go see a therapist and get on medication if you have been depressed for 2 continuous months.
You can not believe what the right medication can do for you.