My child often loses privileges by refusing to do homework. I wasn't that way. What can I do to best help her?

Question

I have tried several different approaches to get my child interested in doing her homework. Nothing has worked. I have been told by someone to completely stop mentioning homework to her, and let her be in charge of her homework -- even if it results in her failing class(es). This is somewhat overwhelming. Do you know of anything that could help?

Answer 1

Wow - can I ever relate to this!!! I was a straight A student, I loved school and so I assumed that my kids would too. Wrong! My son, in particular, really frustrated me. He is very intelligent and was involved in the gifted and talented program at school but was dismissed from it because he wouldn't do his homework.
I wish you would have mentioned your daughters age, but from experience I can tell you that you can't make her love school. She has to want it for herself. What you can do is make life miserable for her if she doesn't do it - no TV, computer, sleep-overs, no fast food etc... She needs to be earning those priveldges. Taking the computer away from my son worked liked a charm, while taking social priveledges away from daughter worked better. Tell your daughter that everyone in the house has a job and responsibilities and hers is to go school, do her homework and keep her grades up. Lazy people who don't work can't buy TVs, computers and eat out and she needs to learn this now.
I agree to some degree with your friend that you may need to step back, let her sink or swim and suffer the consequenses. I stopped hounding my kids about homework when they were in about fifth grade and while they were never straight A students, they didn't fail.
My son is now in his third year of college as an Anthropology Major and has been on the Dean's List all three years.
My daughter is in her second year of college as a Business Major and she still doesn't like school but is doing quite well. They both have excellent work ethics and have learned that priveleges come with a price.
Hang in there and hang tough - it will pay off in the end!

Answer 2

Do not listen to the person that told you to put your daughter in charge of her homework - bad, bad advice if you're just going to leave it at that. Are you consistent on taking away privileges? Maybe you aren't taking away the right privileges. You may try to put the loss of privileges to her this way (unless it's due the next day - in that case, this might not work):

"Your need to start your homework in five minutes." (or ten minutes, not too long though) Then go set the kitchen timer. If she doesn't go start her homework, try not to worry. Getting upset will not help the situation. When she wants the privilege you're set to take away (like TV time) VERY CALMLY (and sincerely) say you're sorry but that is not an option since her homework isn't done, and will not be an option until it is done. If she tries to argue WALK AWAY. Do not give her a chance to argue with you. You are the adult - you are too not going to argue with a kid. When she does do her homework, give her praise. Not over the top, just a nice "good job, I'm proud of you" and a hug.

The real experts on this, with a much better explanation, can be found on the website, http://www.loveandlogic.com.

Answer 3

Why don't you sit down every night and do it with her. Maybe she doesn't understand one of the subjects very well so she doesn't want to do it. Also, history is very boring! If you help her maybe you could relate it more to her and try to make it more interesting or tell her that you or your parent remember that happening when you/they were a kid, etc. It seems like an order to tell her to sit down and do her homework while you and/or everyone else is doing something else. So, if you sat down with her she would know that you're spending time with her when there is something else that you want/need to do. I'm not sure how old she is but you could also remind her that she will have to have decent grades to get into college and that even if she doesn't think she wants to go right now she should leave that door open in case she changes her mind later. Hope this helps!

Answer 4

Have you tried explaining that not doing homework=failing? Tell her that all of her friends will be advanced to another grade and she will be left behind. Don't let her neglect her homework intentionally. All that will do is make the teacher call you every day. Also, try talking with the school guidance counselors. They can usually find out what is going on. Maybe she doesn't do her work because she doesn't understand, and just avoids the problem. Or, try contacting a Sylvan learning center. They have methods of helping children in your daughter's position.

Answer 5

If you take away priveledges, be firm and don't give in. As for homework, how old is your daughter? You may have to use tough love and let her fail. Unfortuatly she might not care.

We hade a problem with our #3 kid. He was ADHA so he had problems to start with. In Middle shcool we monitor everything - notes back and forth, checking homework, etc.. We finally said we were done. He was old enough and KNEW what needed to be done. He had to take responsibility for his own actions.

Well, he almost didn't graduate from high school due to flunked classes. He had to take a couple of classes at the community college to graduate. After high school he spent 2 years on a mission for the LDS Church - that made him grow up.

He is now 22 and in community college. He has grown up and is a man. If we kept babying him, he wouldn't have grown up.

Answer 6

Make a time each day where you sit down together and go through the homework, be more involved in it, obviously not by telling her the answers just by sitting wih her. Try to make it enjoyable, get some icecream or something while you are doing it.
Give rewards for her doing it rather than punishing her for not doing it.

Answer 7

There is nothing with the wrong with the way you parent. My sons hate homework. If they don't do homework, i wont do anything about it the first time it happens, but when it becomes a habbit i start to take away games, computer, all the stuff they like. They might not like it, but its helpful.

Answer 8

Honest to God!!! I put my daughters desk in the middle of my living room and made her stay there unitl she finished her homework....she finished her homework. She is still a procrastinater but she does get it done(now 15) but I simply ask her on a daily basis did you do it and I email her teachers oce a week....How was she this week and is anything outstanding...then I follow up on her if I have to. She still requires the support so I give it to her, it is not a bone of contention between us...I do my job and move on....

Answer 9

Ask her if she likes the grade that she is in right now? Tell her that you will make sure that she stays in that grade again. And next year she should just breeze thru that homework since she is already had a chance to do it once. Let her know that all her friends will move up to the next grade and she will be left behind. That may motivate her. Good luck!

Answer 10

i used to be like your kid. my mother took it for a while. took me to tutoring, came to my classroom, went to my principal. nothing worked. stop TRYING to get your kid INTERESTED in homework . TELL HER WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO. you are the parent......arent you? kids need dicipline and choices made for them. thats why they're called kids. we have to teach them what to do. when i didnt' do my hw. my mother let me fail. she didnt nag me or chase me or check up on me in school anymore. she told me" I can't make you do your homework. you're old enough to make that decision for yourself because you understand and aren't stupid. but that means you need to understand the consequences of your actions as well. " then she took away all my toys, my television, my phone (all of which i was blessed to have anyway seeing as how i didn't deserve anything i had) and left me alone. dont be afraid thinkin gyour kids will hate you. having those things arent their right...its a priviledge. and guess what...i failed school. i had to do it all over again. but i learned a valuable lesson. i got all As the next year. being teased and having to face the reality that my friends would pass me by was a big slap in the face...that i needed. and i thank her for it. it will be stressful b/c nobody wants their child to fail. but your kid has a mind of her own. and how will she ever learn from her mistakes if you wont let her make them. (think of the things you went through and how much smarter you are because of it.) some things are painful but we need to go through them to be come productive citizens of society. she'll be okay. honest! when she fails make sure she knows you still care but that it was a choice she made.. and that now she can see how her choices will affect her in the future. why reward her for something she is supposed to do in the first place? thats her job as YOUR child! she only has 2 things shes responsible for:maintaining grades and keeping her chorse/room clean. she doesnt have to work, pay bills, wash the car. With the new wave of parenting styles coming in its easy to be confused. many parents are letting kids do what they want and not showing them enough discipline.look at todays world now... what kid do you know listens to their parents without trouble? somebody's parenting style isn't working..but it sure as heck wasn't my mothers.