I need opinions and advice on a family situation?

Question

My grandpa (on my dad's side) is 92 suffering from Alzheimer's. In April my mother (whom I've never gotten along with) offered me a "job" through my dad's business, caring for him. I spoke to friends and took their advice to tell my parents I wasn't going to do it. I'd been treated for severe depression months before, and my friends were concerned my depression would get worse.
I graduated from college without a job, moved back home, and all I heard for two weeks from my mother was how "we are a family," and "this is what families do." I got sick of listening to her guilt trips, so I started looking out for him.
My grandfather continued to fail. I stopped doing this after three months because of the emotional toll it was taking.
Now she wants me to do it again. She doesn't want to use up all my grandpa's $ on a home. I know she wouldn't ask my sisters to do this, since it would be beneath their dignity. All she did was complain about my efforts. I'm between jobs again.

I would do this if I felt it would really help out, but I don't think it will. I think my mother just wants to prevent someone from calling the cops on her and my father. And, I do think he'll have to go to a home eventually.
I love my grandfather, but I just feel he needs professional help I can't give him. If anything happened to him, how would I know my parents wouldn't blame me for it?
Am I being selfish, or is my mother right?

Answer 1

You grandfather needs a caretaker who has the necessary training to care for him. I take it you don't have this training, nor are you emotionally strong enough to care for someone who is not going to get better. While you should spend "quality time" with your grandfather, it is not your responsibility to care for him. Your grandfather's money needs to be spent to care for him now, not hoarded so there is a large inheritance. Your employment status has nothing to do with taking care of your grandfather, since it is not a job that you're equipped to perform.

Answer 2

Don't feel over-whelmed , Alzheimer's patients are very difficult to take care of. If any taking care of is to be done, the whole family should be involved with the care. I did it , I know... My sister and myself tried to do the right thing by taking care of our mother. She quit her job of 25 years and I moved back home leaving my own family behind. . . for 2 years (which isn't very long considering Alzheimer's) we struggled to fight this unforgiving battle. Mom by the grace of God died of stroke. When she died my sister and I were wasted. Our lives never the same. We thought we were doing the noble and right thing and in the end destroyed our own well-being . There are special nursing homes that deal with people afflicted with this merciless killer. Believe me if we knew then what we know now we would have put our beloved mother into a well equipped facility, no matter the cost.
Alzheimer's not only kills the mind and the soul of the patient but of all those who love and care for them.

Answer 3

I hope you're in some kind of therapy. Can you talk to your dad about this? I think for your own mental health you shouldn't or really can't care for your grandpa. If you can you should leave that environment where your mom obviously feels that since you don't have a job or anything going in your life right now that you should be "pulling your weight" by taking care of him.

Answer 4

It depends on how far he is like what stage if he's in like the first two stages then he's fine but if he's in the third, fourth or fifth stage then he really needs to go to a nursing home. You should ask your mom why she wont do it. Having to deal with a family member who has Alzheimer's gives an emotional toll on who ever is looking out for them because it's hard work and makes you really sad like when they forget who you are. You are not your grandpa's keeper.

Answer 5

Your state of mind does not seem to be in a place that would make you a good caregiver. Listen to your heart - you already know you should not be caring for him. For that reason alone you should say no.

This really should be about what's best for Grandpa, not whether or not you make your mom happy. Perhaps she needs to be reminded of that as well.

Answer 6

You need to find your dad a homecare nurse to take care of him. Your mother's money would be better spent on home health care. Beside, at age 92, your dad is gonig to need a lot more medical care than you can give him.

Plus, it will also solve your "problem" by allowing you to get on with your life.

Answer 7

i've been in a similar position to yours. my mother has multiple sclerosis, and she's not able to take care of herself, and i spent a long time being the only person to take care of her. that was without a doubt one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do in my life. at that time i had just dropped out of college because i was about to have a baby, and my daughter passed away when she was a week old. so naturally, since i wasn't in school, had no job, and had no children anymore, i automatically was nominated to be her caregiver, since everyone else in my family works full time. it was extremely difficult for me, because aside from my depression for greiving my daughter, i also was constantly grieving for my mother and her deteriorating condition. having to deal with seeing a loved one die a little more every day is a huge strain on your emotions and mentality, and struggling with your own depression on top of it is extremely difficult. nobody really understands what it's like unless you've done it yourself. just like you, i had to stop caring for my mother after a few months, because i just couldn't take it anymore. she now stays with my grandmother, and my sister and i take care of her every other weekend, since i now work full time and have other children. as for your current situation, i'm not sure what to tell you. perhaps you could make arrangements to care for him a few days a week, then hire a nurse to come stay with him for when you're not there. then you would be able to continue looking for another job. but it would probably be best for you to not care for him anymore. my heart goes out to you, sweetie, best of luck.

Answer 8

no your mother is not right. if you dont feel comfortable caring for him then you should not. he should be in a facility that can care for him properly. if it is true that your mother is trying to conserve the money so she can have it later then i must say that is a terrible thing, the man deserves to be treated with respect and care by someone who is qualified. for her to push this on you and make you feel guilty if you dont is just plain wrong. why doesnt she care for him?

Answer 9

It's her father, why doesn't she care for him? And, she doesn't want to spend his money because she wants it when he dies. Be more concerned about your mental health. Don't let her guilt trip you. Just tell her you can't take it mentally anymore. But, it may help your case more were your working. So, you may want to get a job and get out on your own now.

Answer 10

who cares what your mother (whom is never their unless she needs you) wants. it is your life and their is no reason to jeoperdize your health. go get a job at mcdonalds or something just to tell her i am too busy. but also be honest, mom i cant do this are you trying to kill me too??? good luck and remember try not to get depressed and when you do just think of all the things in your life that do make you happy. cause life is too short. just be happy and be honest.