how do i deal with this? son and his father?

Question

i have two sons, 8 and 10, i have been divorced from their dad for 8 years. my sons relationship with their dad has been deteriorating for the last 12-18 months and they had a big row with him and have refused to visit, this was 5 weeks ago. the 8 year old pretty much hates his dad and isnt too bad, but the 10 yr old is starting to miss him, his dad hasnt contacted hime once in the 5 weeks, so he has just rung him, they had a big row again and the dad hung up on him, son was sobbing his heart out.. he has settled now but i dont know what to do to make it better for them,. please dont suggest i talk to his dad as this is not possible, (this is down to him not me). the kids want him to apologise for how he has treated them but he just blames them...what would you do?

to everyone who has answered this ( apart from the waste of space 1st answer).... a massive thankyou, your answers were great and have really helped me. I usually like to pick my own best answers but they were all so freindly, kind and supportive that i just cant decide and am going to put it to the panel for voting. once again a big thankyou.x

Answer 1

The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do, just give him a hug............

The dad is an idiot and the kids need to realise it for themselves which it seems is happening........Just maybe suggest that when things calm down a bit that he writes his dad a letter, that way the ball is in his dad's court and as he is the grown up he should try and make things better

My son is refusing to see his dad at the moment so I am going through the same thing as you.......I let him make his own mind up, his dad is blaming me but my son is now 7 and is just realising that his dad is not perfect

Good luck love x

Answer 2

I would really suggest that they speak to someone else. Maybe you can find a psychologist or even a school counselor. They need to be able to talk to someone who can teach them how to understand their feelings so that they don't grow up feeling that they have done something wrong. When my parents divorced my father moved to another state, didn't pay child support and went on to have another family. I was really hurt and looking back I see how it affected my self-esteem and confidence. Please help them deal with this so they don't grow up thinking something is wrong with them. This man seems like an immature child and his behavior is harmful. I know it may be difficult, but I would try to remain neutral if I were you and not say anything negative about their father. Just explain that he has his own problems and isn't handling them very well and assure them they have done nothing wrong. When they get older they'll respect you even more. Good luck to you and your boys.

Answer 3

Even if you could talk to his dad it's not the solution. Unfortunately, as painful as it will be for you. Your son has to work this out for himself. All you can do is be supportive and be sure that he is aware that he isn't at fault. It may be counterproductive to blatently critisis his father, tempting as that might be, but you son needs to come to his own conclusion about him. It would appear the 8 year old has already done that, his brother, for whatever reason, is finding it more difficult. Keep reassuring them that they are in the right and are entitled to an apology and in the long run it is only their father who will suffer. Parents need their children a lot more than children need their parents.

Answer 4

Bluebadge says what I would do. When the boys put their thoughts and questions in writing, post the letters registered so that the boys know that he has definitely received them if he chooses not to respond. All you can do is answer questions that you can and let the boys know only their father can explain his actions but you will always be there to guide and listen to them. You will and can only do your best as can their father. People have emotional reasons that can sometimes manifest in unreasonable behaviour. Their dad is finding it difficult to deal with his issues and the confusion makes him lash out. It is all the boys need know from you and they will understand it because they know how it feels to be unable to communicate feelings. They can talk to you about their thoughts but listen without negative comment. He is their father and will always be so they need to think of him as a good man going through a rough perch for their own emotional stability.

Answer 5

I have this same problem. My son has not spoken to his father in 4 years. I gave my son the chance to find him and let him do it on his own. That was as he gets older he does not think I held him back from seeing his dad. My 10 year old and moved on and is doing much better. So my advice, let you 10 year old do what he needs to do and have him help his 8 year old sibling with it. Let them figure out out Dad is jerk. Just reasure them that its nothing they did, Dad is just going through a weird period in his life. I hope it works out for you and good luck with your boys.

Answer 6

get some couseling from a professional. one who will work around your budget and schedule, because when one will, then you know they have heart enough to care about your situation.

I do not suggest contact with the father, it is obvious bad medicine.

Plus, meditate. And try and get your kids to focus on the good in life. Take them out to parks etc. or movies.

I do wish you well. Life throws us a hand full of hurts and pains it seems, and it s soo overwelming that one wishes to just give up and rest forever, why we have been given this life , I do not know. But what I do know is, in all the chaos, there is peace and love, we just have to be Willing to look for it.

You will find it. I know you will.

Answer 7

I had two boys two years apart with a father that rarely saw them. He let them down so many times by not picking them up when he said he would. I learned to have them packed and ready to go but always told them a little fib that he probably had to work. This way they didn't take it so personal and think something was wrong with them. Over the years their father finally began to grow up and spent time with them on a more regular basis. I never talked bad about their father because I wanted them to know they were loved by everyone. It's easy for a child to put blame on themselves and I didn't want that for them. When they grow up they will develop their own relationship with him but in the end they will know who was there for them and respect you for it. You can't go wrong if you put them first and always let them know sometimes adults make mistakes. What ever you do don't teach them to dislike their father or it will come back to bite you in the ***. Help them to learn to forgive and they will be compassionate people.

Answer 8

My daughter has had this problem with her ex and her 4 year old son. When the boy started to ask questions, she suggested that he write his dad a letter. It was all his words, he wrote the letter, with spelling help. Then he posted it. Now he stays at his Dads, as does his two year old sister, once a fortnight. I know this sounds far fetched, but can assure you that it is true. The boy just had questions like "why doesn't daddy love me any more?", "why does daddy tell lies?", "why does daddy get angry with mummy?". Things that daddy should answer.

Answer 9

Look into getting your kids some help from a professional couselor because sometime anything you say can seem combative, even if you don't mean it that way. Maybe you can talk to your lawyer about getting a mediator for the kids to talk to there dad with so at least they can vent there feelings to him in a safe enviroment. The boys school counselor may be able to help you here to. Good Luck and never under estimate the power of prayer.

Answer 10

Some dads just shouldn't be fathers.Maybe he is one of these.Or maybe he is trying too be to hard on them wants them to do everything his way and his way only.Just support you kids in this matter.And just maybe he will see the light one of these days and become a father not just a dad.You know some people take out their frustration on their kids.This is very sad but it happens all the time.Some dads get mad at their kids because they have to pay support.this is very sad but true.Good luck,hope he comes to his senses soon.