My father chose his new wife over me?

Question

I recently went through a bad divorce, and my father & his wife decided I was going to hell because of it. (They are both previously divorced!) I told her to butt out, but my Dad supports her 100% and as a result I have not spoke to him in 3 years. Do I bother trying to reconcile? The only time he comes around is at X-mas time to bring presents, if only to ease his "Christian" mind. He only lives 2 blocks away! He's told me I have to be a bigger person and basically overlook everything he's done wrong. He's told me this all my life everytime he hurts me, and I'm tired of it. Help?

Answer 1

He's made his bed - let him lay in it. I wouldn't bother with him at all either. He's the one going to hell for judging you. THAT isn't very Christian. It's sad given that he's family - but he's made his choice. You don't have to be the "bigger" person - a "bigger" person would admit his wrong-doing, ask your forgiveness, and make an attempt at making amends. If he makes no effort - I would do the same.

Answer 2

I would try to reconcile. He is your father, and I'm sure you love him and he loves you. However, I know it's really hard to discuss things with people who have blinders on....Christian or not. I would gently remind them...that Christ said..."Judge not, lest ye be judged". I would also remind them, that not every marriage was made in God's eyes. People make mistakes and they are no exception. If they are true Christians, then they should be supporting you whether they agree with the divorce or not. Let your Dad know that you love him and respect him, and that you feel you deserve the same treatment in return. Instead of telling his wife to "butt out"...sit them both down and talk to both of them in a non-accusing tone. Tell them you are trying to be adult in this situation, and are trying reconcile the relationship out of love for your Dad, and respect for your step mother. Maybe this is a time to tell your Dad, that this time, he needs to be the bigger person and overlook what he foresees a damnation to hell, and try to understand what it's been like for you. Best wishes....

Answer 3

How awful. Love the hypocrites in the world don't ya?

I think you pull yourself up and live a great, full, fun, fascinating life and think of your father and his wife as minor annoyances. Remember that living well is the best revenge.

If you're truly tired of it then let it go (I know this is terribly hard but so is being emotionally abused) and be courteous when necessary but offer little to fuel their criticism. Go out and have fabulous life without ever giving their opinions a moment's thought.

Time will show who comes out of this on top and my money would be on you. Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, read, learn, do, help others live a life that is very fulfilling to you as you are the only one that matters.

Good luck sweetie.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but your dad has no backbone and he's a hypocrite. I know he's your dad, but you don't need their type of "support". I would move away if I could. You need to tell him how you feel, and that if he can't be really supportive, then he doesn't need to come around at Christmastime either. He has to live with his choices. Maybe that will wake him up some. This will either make or break your relationship, so be ready for the consequences. Good luck.

Answer 5

write him a letter. i had to do that with my father. my parents got divorced when i was 12. i saw him once a week, then once a month, and then once i turned 18 and he stopped paying child support, hardly once a year. yet he would call me and tell me how i never bothered to call him or come see him, yet i was working 2 jobs and going to school and he lived in the next state over since he got remarried.

eventually i got so sick of him treating me like that, i would litterly break down in tears as soon as i got off the phone with him. nothing i ever did was right, he would get on my case about not finishing college, tho i was still trying, and still going, nd he dropped out right before his finals. i mean, i was at least TRYING, even if it wasnt fast enough for him.

so i wrote him this long email, and i told him how i felt and how i hated the way i was being treated and how nothing i ever did was good enough for him, and if it wasnt going to change then this was the end of our relationship. he wasnt in my life so i didnt have to deal with his ****.

it really upset him, and for a while he tried to be part of my life. its slowed down again. he still never visits and calls me only to tell me i dont call him or visit. but at least he tried for a while. i mean, i'm 25 now. i have a life. i'm still in school, still working 2 jobs, he's still living a state away.... but he's not going to change. and if he's not willing to make it work, then neither am i. and i'm the only child, so it's his loss.

Answer 6

well, if he brings you presents, he's trying to show he's sorry. He probably just doesn't know how. My dad left my mom 12 yrs ago, and he still sends cards for the holidays, but he's just too scared to come around (and I think my mom threatens him with legal stuff too).

maybe just send him something nice in the mail? Or how about a family dinner . But just try to stay as calm as you can possibly be. I know its hard to let go of the past, but you've got to stop holding a grudge some time or another.

Answer 7

Sometimes parents hurt their kids without knowing it...It's difficult for you for sure,but don't pay much attention.You are growing up and supposed to be happy!And if this means something to you,usually divorced parents are forgetting needs of their kid when they are not leaving together with the kid!They have another wife and maybe other kids and mostly they are taking care only of them.You will be one great person,responsible and not waiting everything from your father as doing other spoiled kids!Don't worry,be happy!!!!

Answer 8

stick to your guns.. he made his choice HIS WIFE..well all you can do is tell the truth and the truth is they were once divorced and if they feel what they are saying is true then they too are going to hell. i say tell them your feelings and ask them not to come around any more unless they can support your choice. yes be the bigger person but not a door mat. tough love is hard but your now an adult and they are too, being a Christan Doesn't mean you have the right to judge its all up to god and he is very forgiving...god bless you....

Answer 9

I'm sorry, honey, but there isn't anything to help you with. You're not about to go crawling back to this ex-husband, nor are you going to let your father continue to tell you that you just need to be a bigger person. You aren't going to change for him.

But your father isn't going to change for you, either. He's told you similiar things all your life, and that isn't going to change.

I think that where you are, seeing each other holidays and being cordial and friendly (hopefully), is the best it's going to get.

Answer 10

Just because he is your father it doesn't mean you will always get along with him. It is his basic right and privilege to support his wife. As to their opinion on your whereabouts after you die, well, it's just that, an opinion. One should look at one's own 'sins' before degrading others. You have put up with this crap all your life because you felt morally obligated but believe me,you are better off without either of their negative attitudes!