Should I keep my sons father in his life?

Question

He has been abusive 2 me in front of him and didn't care, He's screamed at the top of his lungs at my son, thrown my baby's food at me. I'm no longer with him and it's an ongoing battle to collect child support. He'll get a job but won't keep it, I suspect he might be back on drugs. He's been in mental health. He tries to be more of my son's friend than a role model/father. There has been times when we've argued and he would say he doesn't want to see me or Hayden. He's put my son in danger by grabbing the steering wheel while I was driving down the highway. My son is 3 and I need to make the decision now if I should take my son away from his father. Hayden (my son) loves his father to death. They play great and He gets him as much as possible. But it's the behavior his father displays I'm questionable about. I need help!!

Answer 1

I have never been in this situation but I think a kid needs both parents. Get supervised visitation and when your son gets older, he can decide if his father is the right person for him to see or not.

I was listening to a Psychologist speaking on the radio the other day and he said the biggest mistake parents do is that they think " on behalf of" their kids! and this is where a lot of conflicts between parents and kids come from. Let him grow up and decide but at the same time, put all your maternal instinct together to make sure he doesn't get hurt or abused.

Answer 2

Keep in mind that a Father has just as much right to be a parent as you. There may be some things that you don't like, many are justified but some are petty like "he wants to be the kids friend". My advice to you is:
1. Stop reading parenting magazines (they will brainwash you into the wrong type of parenting)
2. Don't go to a so-called Professional
3. BE A NATURAL PARENT
4. If the man is doing drugs, there needs to be something done about that. No child should be subject to any drug-induced parent. However, I wouldn't necessarily keep the child away. In fact, I would consider "Sexy Mamas" advice on that one.
5. When it comes to his abusive ways towards you, I feel it usually "takes two to tango". Ask yourself if you have ever been abusive to him and give yourself and honest answer. If he is truely abusive, something should be done about that as well.
6. After thoroughly reading your question, I would recommend only supervised visitation until he gets his act together if at all.
7 . As far as the father being the kids friend: That is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
8. Last but not least, get God in your life and in the Father's life. The power of prayer and trust in the Lord can go miles. I can give you testimony of my own but I'll save that for another episode. Really, get God! He can move mountains.
Ask your self this, would you rather spend 3 minutes a day in prayer or $100 dollars each visit for counseling?
God can cure mental illness, drug addiction, and everything for that matter. You just need to have a "moment of truth" and show trust in Him.
- God Bless

Answer 3

What is best for the kid? Do you feel the kid is in danger? Do you feel the kid is being emotionally or mentally disturbed? Personally I would think on all acounts, take him away... however, maybe he can see the child when you are not there? Would you trust him... either way.. your child should not see this behavior, especially to his mother.. that is abusive and will scare the child and teach him to act the same way. I would say no way And start reporting these things so he has a record at the police station.. this is abuse and then if he pushes for seeing him.. he will have a record and you can insist on supervised visits only. also document everything at home. Start tonight.. document the past and from now on, document, date and time.. that stands up in court (in case he pushes for seeing the child)

Answer 4

There are a lot of people in here making a lot of judgments and rude comments, when they really have no experience to base it on. You all should be ashamed of how you are talking to this poor woman.

My father was extremely abusive towards my mother, and although she left when I was two and a half, I still have memories of him hurting her. As a child I had nightmares about it, but didn't understand until I was older and asked her. That is when the truth came out.

Now I am 22, my father is dead, and I never met him. I am not sorry about this. I am grateful that my mother was strong enough to fight for me. If not, my life would be very different, and I would probably not be the strong, happy, healthy and intelligent creature I am today.

Who are you to decide to cut this man out of your child's life? You are his mother, that's who. The person who guides him, protects him, loves him, and makes sure he is as happy and healthy as you can provide for him.

Get yourself a good lawyer, get full custody, get child support, and if you really want him involved in your child's life, then make sure he only has supervised visits.

Abuse is a serious issue, and anyone who has been in an abusive situation knows that it will typically only escalate as time passes. If the boy's father has shown abusive behavior towards you, towards your son, it is not going to get better by everyone ignoring it.

Good luck to you, I wish you and your son a beautiful future.

Answer 5

that is tough to answer; it seems to me like a loose loose situation. I was not married to my daughter's father who has no roll in her life (his choice.) I got married before having my son, and we are still married. My son is 2 and really benefits from time with his dad. I think the roll of a father in a child's life is very important. However, if it is truly a danger, he is obviously better off without dad. I can't give you a yes or no answer, but some advice for making the decision for yourself.
First, if possible, seek the advice of a professional pshycologist.
Ask yourself, was your son ever in immediate danger, or was it you, and son was just a witness.
Make sure your feelings for questioning if dad should be in his life are honest danger, not you being hurt and angry with his inappropriote treatment towards you.
Lastly, I live in IL and am not a law expert, but in IL there is something called protective visitation. It works in one of two ways, both monitored by the court:
1. You and his father agree upon a person you are both comfortable with (a brother, father, sister, friend) who will always be present, like the 3 musketeers, for visits with dad
2. You drop your child off at the visitation office in the courthouse, in the courthouse your son can visist with his father in a protected environment

Another suggestion is keeping dad involved by phone calls, letters, and email.
Good Luck, think your decision through clearly

Answer 6

If he is consistent w/ seeing him, and has never been abusive to him, I would try out supervised visits, if there is any worry that he would hurt your son or he just sees him when ever he is in the mood, I would cut it off now, before it can get anymore tramatizing to your son. And if you are no longer w/ his father then avoid the fighting, just drop him off and pick him up or tell him what your son needs, there is no reason to start something out of nothing.

Answer 7

This guy does not deserve to be a dad to your son. You know the saying that any guy can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a dad? I wouldn't let this guy anywhere near my children. They say that a child grows wanting to be just like their parent of the same sex? You need to ask yourself if this is what you want. Do you want your son to be like his father? If not than keep him away from him. Good Luck!

Answer 8

This is something only you can answer but theres a few things you have to look at um like how much your son loves him and vice versa
but I think you have to get in a third party one who can take your son to visits etc so you never have to see him again(xcept when your son marries lol)But this someone I think should be someone from say cyps or another agency who can stop the visits if or when they go pearshapd then your son can not ever blame you for stopn him from seeing his father I know its hard to think of your baby loving a man you despise but youl get stronger ...

Answer 9

Have you talked to him about this?? Sometimes you need to let people know what is going on and that this is potentially destructive behavior. What gives you the right to make that decision? It is his child also... How would you feel if his father had doubts about your abilities as a mother and decided to cut you out of your son's life without your input?

Answer 10

If you take Hayden away from his dad, both will hate/blame you for it forever, possibly even when Hayden is a grown man. I know that it would be questionable to have him around your ex, but as long as you teach your son the real right from wrong, he'll be ok.