My husband is going out to Basra in May....but?

Question

Im due to give birth on the 1st march and hes due to be posted 1st may. It dosent feel right to me because the tour lasts for 6 months. I knew that when i married him, i would be marrying the army aswell but honestly i didnt think he would be going out to Iraq ..my husband has tryed to make me see that "its his job"..and that the extra money would be good...but i want our baby girl to bond with him and at least know who he is. Its not a safe place to go either.!!! Why do i feel like im up against the army all the time?

Answer 1

You have answered your own question. You knew he would be called up to go and fight in other countries. When they sign up they pledge their life for Queen and country, nothing else matters. And this Iraq war has been going on for longer than you have been pregnant. Did you secretly want to get pregnant thinking he would be allowed to stay with you?

Come on, don't be so selfish. Your husband is doing an amazing job, and he's doing it so the world might be a little bit safer for his child, like all the other men who join the Military. Wish him well and for a quick and safe return, don't let him leave feeling guilty about leaving you and the child. When he goes, make sure he leaves feeling happy and confident that he's leaving his child with a woman who is strong and will bring up his child quite happily while he's gone.
Then when he returns all 3 of you will have a great time together and it will be as if he never left, and at that age your child will suffer no ill affects.

Answer 2

Hey Zoe. When our second daughter was born, my husband was sent for a 1 year unaccompanied to Korea a month later. Same story as yours. I just want to encourage you that you can get through this and your daughter won't be destroyed. I was concerned for the same reasons you were. I had family pictures made before he left, and some of just him. A home based toy business called Discovery Toys had (might still have) something called a photo cube. It's a soft, square cube that has a slot for pictures on 4 sides. This was her first toy. I also kept pictures on the refrigerator. When he came home a year later, he was a familiar face, and they bonded quickly. There have been NO long-term effects, and she turns 9 in two weeks. Since then, he has deployed to Iraq once and has been gone for schools several times. He's leaving for another school in June through October of this year. The family will take its' guidance from you while he's gone. I can't tell you how important it is that you are strong and positive. Not just for your children, but for him too!!!! I can't say it loud enough. You've got to stay strong and positive for him too! He needs to know that you can do this. He's going into a war zone. We all know that. He hass to be able to focus on his mission. That fact won't change. Spend every waking moment from now until he leaves planning for this. Learn anything that you need to learn before he goes so you can run things efficiently. Let him know that you support him and encourage him and can hold things down easily. It won't be all that easy, but dwell on the positive. Please don't send him away wondering if you'll fall apart, whether you can make it without him, or with a burden of worrying about you. And really, email me if I can help you. I'd be glad to talk.

Answer 3

Trust me you are...my hubbys 2 para and we been married 7 yrs and each tour is difficult, I went through the same thing with my son when he was little. I am not going to lie when Peter came home from Northern Ireland Daniel didn't know him and it took some time to get used to him. But Daniel is 7 this year and he has a strong bond with Peter and the last Iraq tour Daniel understood the dangers and he missed him, at least as a baby I did not have to explain these things to him.
For now just enjoy every moment you have together as a family, that is most important

Answer 4

In some respects it better this way round, it could have been he was posted march with the birth due May. This way your husband will at least get to be at the birth with you, and have some time to bond with little one.

I've been in the Army and TA 30 years now, this situation happens all the time, as sad as it is.

You will have lots of support from friends and the "regiment". Enjoy having time with your baby alone, daddy will soon be home.

And just to put it totally into perspective this also happens to TA soldiers, and their wifes didn't marry the Army.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The wine isn't helping, it will make you depressed the day after, believe me, I know. I can't say I know what you are going through as I am not in your position, but I did go through a bad time where i was drinking a lot of wine every night, it eased the pain for a while but made me feel twice as bad the next day. YOU HAVE TO STOP DRINKING THE WINE, especially with such a young baby and three other kiddies to look after. You really need to talk to someone about this, do you have family or friends that can help you out while you get back on your feet? Please go back to your doctor and ask about counselling and help to stop drinking, two bottles of wine is a lot every night, you will make yourself ill. Please talk to someone and do it soon. I hope it all works out for you. Your husband will be back in a few months time, let that be the goal you work towards.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to put it this way but you will feel you are against the army all the time because the army says it looks after families but it doesn't they don't care about us trust me i know, my friend gave birth the day her hubby was deploying and the army would not let him go to the hospital, my hubby is out there at the mo and we don't get any support from anyone we are just left to get on with it but it depends on how much you love your other half and if you are willing to be second best ???????

Answer 7

Relationships in the army tend to be more intense and focused. With servicemen/women often on quick turn arounds between tours. I think your husband is only entitled to 10 days maternity leave. But will of course have his pre deployment leave and R&R during the tour. The support you will find during this time should be excellent as the MOD does realise the strain on families and you'll not be alone.

Answer 8

Bonding can happen long distance, you have until may to record his voice, play it for your baby, she has heard his voice in the womb and it will be soothing to the baby. Imprint his smell on some t-shirts and/or blankets and place them with the baby. Talk about him to her. Take video and watch it together, get one of those made for baby books where you put your own pictures in and fill it with pictures of him.
Send him care packages with pictures of her. If/when he can call you on the phone, put it on speaker so baby can hear you both talking together.
Please remember that as much as you worry about the danger he is in, he is the one actually living in that danger. DO NOT stress him out or worry him, do not make him feel guilty. This stress may be what distracts him from protecting his own life.
Every pregnant woman worries about their baby's father. My sister had a dreadful paranoia that her husband would die before the baby was born, he didn't 7 years later he is still alive.
Complaining here, to your family, friends, etc. is good. Complaining to your husband is bad.
Good luck, thank you for the sacrifices your family makes for the rest of us civilians, thank your husband.

Answer 9

Sorry but you just have to suck it up and roll with it. There is nothing you can do about this situation except make the best of it. He is only leaving for 6 months...that's not that long. Mine is gone for a year...I would be so lucky to be in your shoes!

And don't let anyone tell you a deployment will end and/or ruin your marriage. A marriage that ends in divorce after a deployment generally already had problems to begin with!

Answer 10

hey there. i know your pain really my husband is currently deployed to iraq, today is my sons 4th birthday. well today is now my birthday. my sons was the 8th. it hurts my husband missed christmas thanksgiving new years and so on, but remember it is his job he was in the army when you married him and if not then you agreed to this with him to join. he has to go whether you like it or not. the best thing to do is make videos of him with her and of him reading stories to her. and show her pictures of him everyday. get the pre deployment counseling they offer get involved in a church and unit support groups i would be lost with out mine your not the first wife to go through this many have husband leave and not see their babies born be glad he will be there for the birth good luck congrats stay as busy as possible