how much involvement should my new wife play in my sons life?

Question

sue does not have any children of her own and wants to play a active part in my childs life(attend teacher conferences,volunteer at joey's sports events ect).the problem is my exwife,shes very jealous of sue and wants her to have very little to do with joey(casual freinds at best).i have joint custody so i have as much say as my ex but she has been known to put up a stink and i'm afraid joey will be the one to suffer to see his parents go at it.joey in 8yrs and i have been divorced for 5yrs.stepmoms/divorced dads how would u handle this?should i tell my wife to back off for now on the mother thing? or should i tell my ex to back off and just hope it will not cause ant problems for my son.

Answer 1

Honestly, tell your ex to f*** off... your new wife is doing what she is supposed to do. She's trying to show you that she loves you and loves everything in your life.

If I was her and you chose to tell HER and not your EX to get a life, I would be FURIOUS. I would probably end the marriage.

Answer 2

It is better for your son to have a good relationship with your new wife. However, as he has a mother who is a bit of a stinker, I think the parent teacher conferences might be more comfortable and more focused on your child if it is just your ex and you attending. You want to make sure that at those times the child's best interest is being taken care of and a snarl fest will not help Joey at those times.
As far as other activities, I think it is wonderful that your wife wants to attend and volunteer. You might want to just focus the volunteering on activities for now that the ex wont be at. Like maybe if she wants to volunteer at a party at school or something like that. I am sure your ex isn't going to be at everything.
I am sorry that your ex feels that way. She should be happy that your new wife has this interest. I know many new wives that resent the children and treat them like crap.
I would ask your wife to just take it slow. She can certainly be an important part of Joey's life without the conferences and volunteering. There will be many opportunities for her. Good luck. I really wish all three of you the best.

Answer 3

My Dad's been married 4 times. I know what it's like to be the child. The best thing for me was when my Dad and wife #3 got along and were an example of a peaceful relationship (lasted 10 years before blowing up). She turned me from a stubborn teenager into a woman. I don't think I'd be in a successful marriage today if it weren't for her example. And I am talking about her example, despite my Dad.

My advice is this: inside your four walls, you and your wife handle your child as a unified front once you and your wife have discussed and agreed upon things. When it's an environment where your ex is part of, let the ex do her thing completely.

To completely shut your wife out would be disastrous on so many levels. Ultimately, the child should not be put through the whims of a jealous mother. Besides, good mothering on the part of the step mom is good for the real mom because her child is being taken care of. Just recognize the dynamic and really work towards healthy, balanced, win-win...

Answer 4

Speaking as a mother I think Sue needs to calm down a bit. Remember that Joey has a mother and Sue needs to respect that. However, there is no such thing as too many people loving a child and Sue is right in loving and supporting him. When it comes to important decisions like rules, I believe the three of you will have to come to an agreement. I dont like households that run in a way of "You cant do that here, but at your dads house you can" that sends too many mixed messages. The rules have to be the same at each house and if Sue is expected to enforce them, she will have to be a considered voice although not the deciding voice in this venture.
If you all sit down and decide together what everyones roles are and respect the roles that each is assigned then this will work out with minimal if any damage to Joey. Its when the back biting and bickering goes on that messes with kids heads.

Answer 5

So she birthed this kid and she cares enough about him to be upset about a new woman cominginto his life and you want her to "BACK OFF" the mommy thing? PLEASE!! How about teaching your son how adults work out their differences...and that love is one of those things that never runs out.... Sue is part of your life and its wonderful that she wants the best for joey...for now think of her as a very special aunt...it will help you set good limits. No one replaces mom....but lots of people will be important in his life and both women deserve his respect; you can only hope they will both love him and he them. if sue is going to live with you, there will be times she has to make decisions on his behalf but if she thinks of herself as a step mom and remembers that she has the authority and responsibility of a very special aunt... she'll have a much better go of it. There are times when a phone call is not possible....there are other times when you might not WANT to have to consult the parents...but then think what it would be like if this were reversed. Mistakes that are made and even arguments or disagreements that occur because everyone loves joey will be a lot easier to resolve than those because everyone is defensive or disagreeable with each other....its mostly an attitude thing... when push comes to shove, its still your house and you will have the final say...but the sooner you work this out the better...before you know it, joey will be a teenager and pushing the limits of this the best he can, cause thats what teens do....if the two women can't work it out...you get stuck being the go-between....and you just might have to do so, for joey's sake. I'd say you and the ex need to chat about your expectations.....then pick your fights. For instance, open house at school might be a big deal to your ex wife---and since sue gets to see the daily homework and make the display on the fridge---then maybe that would be one of those things where you show you are flexible and give in....sue doesn't go, but you and sue and joey celebrate his grades or his open house with a nice dinner or whatever that day or the next....there are lots of compromises that can be a win-win for everyone. The key is to ask yourself two important questions..... how does this benefit joey? how important is it? All the best to you.

Answer 6

When Joey is at your house (I assume that he at least visits if not spends a fair amount of time there), allow Sue to have as active a parenting role as you're both comfortable with.

However, in matters of parent conferences at school, it may be best if you and his natural mother attend and Sue stays home. There is nothing saying however that Sue cannot attend Joey's sporting events...every kid should have his own cheering section!

You are absolutely right in the point that Joey should not suffer at the hands of his parents just so his new step-mom can mark her territory (sorry for the gruff description...I'm sure Sue is a lovely person). She (Sue) shouldn't feel left out of something just because Ms. X wants to play the Alpha Female at school assemblies.

You're all adults and hopefully with time (I assume your remarriage was recent?) things will calm down. It may help too, to have the three of you (Joey excluded) meet in a mediator's setting...a family counselor for example, so that you can hash out your differences for the sake of the child. Shared custody doesn't need to be either difficult or painful; but it DOES require cooperation.

I wish you luck

Answer 7

She is a STEPPARENT now. keyword PARENT! whether the ex likes it or not! If you can't/won't stand up for your new wife to your ex then you were SOOOO not ready to remarry! In the court of law your new wife's' voice would be heard and she would be given a say no matter how much the ex whined! I feel for the ex but she needs to show that she is mature and that she isn't just jealous. This is about what is best for the kid which boils down to EVERYONE being respectful and putting the kid first. Working as a TEAM will benefit the kid immensely and show how much everyone cares. You are all family now......tell the ex to start acting like it. Just cuz the new wife wants to be included doesn't mean she's trying to replace his mom the kid is old enough that this is impossible. Tell the ex to get a grip and focus on the boy!

Answer 8

If you are trying to start a new life with your new wife, your role is to be united with her and to "become one" if joey is a part of your life and Sue is as well I think that she has every right to be a "mother" figure to joey as your ex-wife. Also at 8 years of age little joey could make the decision for himself, but you need to give him the chance to make an educated decision by letting her be a part of his life. Also talk to Sue and let her know that because he has two mothers and your ex is his biological mother she needs to not "take over" but fill in. If his real mom can't do something she can, but also warn her not to become competitive either. Once she starts trying to impress or be "better" then his mom that's when real problems start.

Answer 9

This is a tough situation for everybody but probably most of all the child.
Try talking to your ex, explain that your wife is now part of thefamily and ask her to think about what she'd want if she remarried and her son had a new stepdad. She probably cant help feeling jealous of your wife.
Tell your wife to just be patient and wait for her relationship with your son to grow and as it does, he will let you know that he wants her places, and he'll tell his mother that too. But he may feel guilty right now about being a traitor to his mum and if she's a ***** she might be playing on that, making him feel bad about it. Tell him his mum will always know he loves her whether or not he is close to his stepmum.
I dont really know what else to say. If the ex was not in the picture i would have said let the stepmum be the mum as much as she wants but seeing as the child already has two parents he doesnt necessarily need another mother figure but he still needs to feel that she's part of the family and respet her. but i guess your main prob would be the ex. good luck. hopefully she can be matureenough to deal with it without causing too much stress on your family.

Answer 10

I think you are a very lucky man, your new wife wanting to be a part of her step sons life. My best advice is to be a unified front at all times in front of your child, Your ex wife is being a bit silly, casual friends with his stepmother? She is the woman of your household now, and needs to be an atthority figure to your son as much as you are, and needs to respect her. Kids have enough friends, they need Adults, both parents and step parents to be just that. I think her being involved in family decisions and activities when your son is in your home is a good start, but I wouldn;t go crazy and volunteer to be everything at all times involving your son to start off. Give the Ex sometime to get used to everything, she is feeling insecure, and does not know what kind of "mother" figure your wife is going to be, and she is showing it through anger. Personally, I think she needs to grow up and realize that this is not about HER, its about helping the child adjust, and be happy and healthy. Just remember, your son's adjustment is the most important thing right now, let him "grow" into the step mom situation in a timeline that is appropriate for his age.

Answer 11

explain to your new wife that you want her apart of your sons life but she needs to not push it. Going to the odd sport game and school thing is okay but try not to go all the time it will only push the other mom's buttons. Do things together with out your ex, have it you , your new wife and son going out and spending time, your ex doesnt have to know about it, and she wont be there to complain. This way everyone is happy.