What is the funniest Joke you know, Here are ones i like.?

Question

Three guys are selected by a secret government organization and are all brought in for a final test of loyalty. The man in charge tells the first applicant, Your wife is in the next room. Take this gun and kill her." The guy goes in but comes out seconds later in tears, saying "I can't do it." The next guy does the same thing. The third guy goes into the room. He's there for a couple seconds, and then six gunshots are heard, followed by a lot of scuffling. He exits the room disheveled and covered in blood and says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to strangle her."

Did you hear Donald Trump's nemesis Rosie O' Donnell got arrested for drug possession?
Yeah, they lifted up her skirt and found 300 pounds of crack.

Answer 1

Little Johnny in Sunday School

Little Johnny in Sunday School

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the children where Jesus lives. The teacher called on one of the kids who replied, “Jesus lives in my heart.”

“Very good.” said the teacher.

She calls on another kid.

“Jesus lives in Heaven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Johnny is in the back of the room waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn’t want to call on Johnny, but does anyway.

“Jesus lives in the bathroom,” says Johnny.

After a moment, the teacher asks Johnny why he thinks that Jesus lives in the bathroom.

Johnny replies, “Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and asks, ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?’”

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful!'"

Blonde Counselor
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, Why are you standing here alone?"

Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, I'm the goalie!"

Don't give us a bad name
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

Strongest Man in the World

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Answer 2

This one is pretty nasty but it is the best I have got:
There is an old woman who named everything she owned. When she have just bought her house, she did not know what to name it. Then she heard someone yelled out, "hairy bottom", so she named her house Hairy Bottom. Then she named her cat Crack the same way she did with the house. One day, she lost her cat. She called the police and said, "I looked all over my 'Hairy Bottom' but I couldn't find my 'Crack'!"

Answer 3

OK this salesman and this farmer are talking and farmer says I'll sell you some of my corn if you insure my land and the salesman says I'd be happy to and by the w I'm a traveling salesman so I'll probably see you again .. the farmer says do you expect to back this way again next year and the salesman says only for half your crops......

Answer 4

Hi Cooger! You should talk to Neo TheOne! He is funny! Oh, BTW, You are too! I was drinking tea. That Rosie joke made it fly a hundred feet I was laughing so hard! Don't worry... the computers fine. My nose just hurts!

Answer 5

joke for a loke. both jokes are great here mine.. a man visit the opthometrist (eye doctor) and the doctor checks this man eyes and says u have 2 stop mastervating and the man says why doc i'm i going blind and the doctor says no but your upsetting the nurses..

Answer 6

I enjoyed. Reminds me of a Hey Arnold Episode. LoL

Answer 7

ok that guy failed the test
and how could any crack wiegh anything
its like how much dirt is in this hole
there is no dirt in a hole
and cracks dont wiegh anything

Answer 8

I was trying to think of that joke the other day. Thanks! Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog

Answer 9

y wud e come out coverd in blood if e had 2 strangle er??

Answer 10

u tried thats the main thing