how can I deal with this???

Question

I am the leader of our sign language group in my church. A new youth leader has been appointed, and I can't stand him! I know that sounds terrible, but he just will not cooperate! We are supposed to be working together, but he just will not. He is childish and immature, and he constantly undermines me. I have smiled and gone along when he changes programs and schedules without talking to anyone about it, he has cancelled standing scheduled events that were planned b4 he was put in his position, and not he is goofing off in my sign language groups. He is 21, but acts 10. He laughs at the kids trying to learn sign and he moved a scheduled concert up one month to accomodate himself! I'm at my wits end! I know my feelings are quickly turning wrong. I have spoken with the pastor, but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I've even thought about resigning and finding a new church. I really need prayer for God to help me (and him) in this. Should I leave, quit, or let him keep running over me

Answer 1

Have you gone to Christ? Its His church and He sits in heaven with all power and authority. Nothing can happen to you with out the will of God. Now could this be Jesus teaching you patience not only with others but with Himself as He is bringing this in your life? If you have in a godly way confronted both him and your minister, do you have Elders to go to? Once you do all that is right for you to do just make it a matter of prayer both about your weakness and the situation that you think is not good for the others in the church and wait on the Lord. He does really have this matter in control and is bringing about some good purposes so be careful not to take matters to far into your hands as He is able.

Answer 2

I know the feeling because Ive had the very same thing happen in my old ministry.
After a while the offender who thought they were my friend did something so outrageous it tore our friendship to pieces. Satan unfortunately has great influence over some in the church and it doesnt help when people like your pastor elevate people and give them positions in the church purely for political or personal reasons simple because they like them.

The best thing to do would be to stick it out and be the best example to the brat as much as possible. If you see the ministry still bearing fruit, keep at it and people will see you are the true strength of it and will eventually see your partner for what he is, a distraction and hinderance. Do NOT complain about him to others, that is the death of ministries. You never criticize people in ministries around you openly and never say anything behind their back that you wouldnt say to their face.

On the other hand, if he is truly destroying the ministry, chances are he is going to succeed and isnt going to change for you or anybody else. Dont give up on your church because of 1 single fool, just ditch that ministry and serve in another way. If people keep telling the pastor that they are not going to work with him, guess what? Theyll stop giving him ministries!

Answer 3

First, is your faith so shakeable that one immature man can drive you from your church? What would you do if an EVIL man were trying to drive you from the faith? Ultimately, I don't think this is an insurmountable situation for you, but I do think you're going to have to grow a thicker skin and be the better Christian in this conflict.

Second, when asked, Jesus told his disciples that they should forgive not seven times, but seven times seven and then more.

Third, your angle of approach is less than desireable. If you've been letting him walk all over you, then you're not looking out for yourself. If you're trying to attack every decision he makes then you're putting him on the defensive, which will only make things worse. There is a middle road, a path of resolution that can actually lead to peace. I'm going to go out and suggest a wonderful book. Please don't balk at the title, it was written about 65 or 70 years ago. Dale Carnegie, one of the most successful buisiness men (and a good christian to boot) wrote a book that is still, to this day, a guidebook in business leadership. This book is called "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Ultimately the book gives perfect instructions on how to influence others while NOT putting them on the defensive, as well as how to gain their respect and/or friendship in the process. Such things that most people don't even think of:

1) Have you stopped to ask this youth group leader about his history or his vision of what he'd like to see in the youth program? maybe he's got experience and reasons for acting in certain ways that you don't know about.

2) Have you considered that you're also a leader in the community, and as such that makes you a potential threat to his fragile status as the new youth group leader? Perhaps he's every bit as frustrated and worried by you as you are by him?

3) Have you given him any reason to respect you? When you agree with him, have you ever voiced enthusiasm or support? When you disagree have you simply told him he's wrong, or have you taken a more graceful route of "I understand you want to do this because ____, but I would also point out that you should consider ____." That way you let him know that you understand where he's coming from, and you give him the graceful escape of presenting your opinion as information he didn't have so that he can make a new decision without the embarassment of appearing wrong.

Honestly, READ THE BOOK, it'll change your life. Peace and God go with you whatever you choose.

Answer 4

Having coordinated Deaf Ministries in my local Synagogue, I can understand your situation.
I would call the Pastor & this youth leader together where the 3 of you meet. Point out the specific things that have been done to undermine you.
As far as him moving the concert to accomodate himself; the next time he tries something like that...play his game back on him & move the concert back to YOUR date. Let him get a taste of his own medicine. Then call him on the carpet & explain that what you just did is exactly what he did to you, & point out how frustrating he must feel by you taking control of the situation. Hold your own. You have been given the authority for that position.
Be specific. List each offense. Then clearly define what responses WOULD have been appropriate. Clearly explain what you expect, & ask if he can honor your request?
If he says yes; then at least he is trying to work with you.
If he says no; then submit your two-week notice.
This is exactly the route I did when an interpreter "got the hots" for me & harrassed me. I met with both her & the Rabbi & explained my boundaries.
I wound up leaving the Synagogue until I heard she got married & went somewhere else.
Lastly, submit the entire thing to G-d. If He wants you in this position, then there IS a workable solution. He will not give you more than you can bear. It may be for all 3 of you to grow together in love, respect & patience. I don't know.
Wait on the L-RD as you submit it to Him for guidance; & then follow your heart.

Answer 5

If you let him keep running over you, your resentment will only build until it comes to an ugly confrontation. If you've already spoken to the pastor and nothing has changed, I think I would probably find a different church. I know this isn't the answer you're looking for, but if it's come to this and making you miserable, you should go where your talents are better received.
The church is doing no one any favors by accepting this guy's bad behavior. If you leave, then it's their loss. Good luck!

Answer 6

I personally think that it is time to find a new ministry and let the chips fall where they may.

If he is really as bad as you say, then his actions will cause the ministry to fall apart as people begin to leave for greener pastures elsewhere, and he will be forced to deal with his behavior (or the pastor will). I know that this may sound bad for the deaf people, but I think that they will find a better church eventually, and that they will be alright. The youth pastor needs to see the consequences of his own actions.

I don't know if I would find a new church unless you feel like you really have to, or else you feal called to.

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"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
~Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)

Answer 7

Your first choice:
Colossians 1:9 pray for God's will in this matter. Wait for His voice.
Second, God may require you to go to the senior pastor.
Third, God may require you to leave.
Most of all, lift him up in prayer. Bible says to pray FOR those in authority. This includes pastors and their subordinates.
Fast if you need to but DON'T criticize him unless God calls you to the senior pastor. God will bless you in your obedience.

Answer 8

Put him in his place ,you must not allow him to make changes without your consent ,you have spent time making these arrangements ,he does not have the right to change anything.Stand your ground he is taking over and frankly he will end up with egg on his face,Be assertive and remain organized.You may end up with having to re-arrange everything back again.Do not allow him to change things he is inexperienced , he must follow your guidelines and not the other way round.

Answer 9

You need to go and talk with your pastor. Tell them how you are feeling-if anything you got it off your chest to the person that can actually make something change.

Answer 10

Talk to your Pastor and tell him all that you have said here. Tell him everything that has been done. Tell him that you have reached the end of abuse that you will take. Tell him you will leave if this continues. Then you will find out what you have to do.
Being a Christian isn't about being a door mat.