What to say without making him mad?

Question

OK, here's the story. My husband has 3 kids from a previous marriage, 2 boys and a girl, the boys(12 & 8) live with us, they fight constantly which is a given and I understand that. But my husband is so much harder on the younger one than the older one as far as punishment. When the youngest one gets into trouble he gets his playstation literally taken out of his room for weeks by my husband, but when the oldest one gets in trouble he gets "grounded" but then 10 or 15 minutes later it seems like my husband gets to feeling guilty and goes back into the bedroom and tells him he is not grounded anymore as long as he doesn't do it again. I personally think it is crap that my husband is like this, but what can I say to him without him thinking I am trying to tell him how to raise his kids? He is the same way with his daughter as he is with the youngest boy, and it is starting to drive me nuts! I can't take it anymore, it's not fair to the younger two. Please help!

Also, last month my husband traded someone out of a PSP and the oldest boy automatically assumed it was for him. Well when he found out it wasn't he threw the biggest hissy fit you have ever seen. The following week was his birthday and low and behold my husband came home one evening with a brand new PSP for him for his present. That made me so mad, it just makes him hink that no matter how bad he acts he will get what he wants. Of course I couldn't say anything, cause I am scared of pissing my husband off. I am sorry to ramble like this, but I had to get it off my chest, thanks for listening!

Answer 1

Since you married him, they aren't just "his" kids, they are partially yours, too. So you have a right to be involved in how they are raised.
Try a general approach, instead of a pointed "you did this and I thought it was unfair" question, with a "honey I want to help" attitude instead of "honey you're being inconsistent," and he'll have no reason to be offended.

Tell him that you two, as parents, should discuss general behavior and discipline rules for the kids, so that you have a "master plan" to guide your actions, instead of reacting to each specific incident. Make a list of which types of behavior are to be encouraged, and which should be punished and to what degree. Publish the rules so that the kids can see them, and know what to expect. Better yet, give the kids a say in writing the rules and devising creative but fair punishments for themselves. Make rules for the adults, too!

Answer 2

I will say this for a fact. Do not ever bring this up in front of any of the kids. They will take off and run with it and that could be really bad. It will also cause them to house some disrespect for him and you don't want that.

The first thing you need to do is bring th e subject up sometime when you 2 are alone, and let him know you don't want to discuss it around the kids and let him know why.
then you need to find out why he shows so much partiality to the one. He may know of something sad about the older boy and is trying to compansate for it. Maybe he is afraid the other two will end up acting like the older one so is harder on them.

He needs to understand he has to be fair. Maybe family counsiling would be a wise choice. I personally would make counceling a must. They will help him see the need for fairness and better controls on the more favored one. I am sure you will never be able to manage to do this......

Answer 3

Maybe he feels guilty about the breakdown of his first marriage and the affect it has had on the eldest, he was probably old enough to see the relationship fall apart. It's hard but if you dont support each other in punishment the relationship will eventually break down. You need to talk to him about this in a nice way like when one of the younger ones does something wrong say what would you do if it were .... and start from there. My view is if you are a couple then this should not be a problem you are equally responsible for bringing these children up your opinion does count.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say your husband sounds like a jerk. I'd probably cut my losses and leave. 85% of all second marriages with kids end in divorce due to problems exactly like this. The "mother" figure in the home being unable to discuss parenting issues with the "father" is a recipe for disaster. See, if these were your kids, you'd be able to say you piece. But since these are "his" kids, you have to pretend to be their mom, yet have no authority, That's why divorce is so common- it's not a healthy state of living.

You're either going to have demand full "rights" as a mother with all the authority you need to discipline and participate in these decisions, or basically continue to go nuts.

Answer 5

You could say "I'm outta here". I'm sure that will get his attention. You are going to have to take the lead. The best thing he could do is get mad, then you would know for sure to pack your bags. The probable response will probably be a plea for direction. You have to teach him how to get his kids under control. He is failing them as their parent.

Answer 6

See this is where I remember my dad & that after my sister left for college, they started expecting more out of me, but I became a little rebel & told them basicly to **** off, they didn't want to know bout me when I was growing up & now I sure as hell don't want them to know about me. So yea, basicly your kid's gonna start noticing the whole harder on him as he grows up & if he's like me, he'll resent you, both of, it dosen't matter, then he'll screw up his life, so start treating him better or man are you gonna be crying when you finally pay attention to him & he dosen't want that attention.

Answer 7

Forget about making your husband mad. He needs to be told. His oldest son is going down the wrong path, thanks to his dad. What is going to happen is his son, is going to think he is always going to get his way. So you need to sit him down, and tell him, that his parenting skills is not fair, that he is doing his son an injustice, by giving in to him. and he is going to get a rude awaking in life, if he keeps it up. Express how you feel. Tell him may be he feels guilty, but he may need to go for counseling. if he can deal with the issue!

Answer 8

I BELIEVE THAT YOU NEED TO TELL HIM IN THE WORSE WAY YOU CAN.. BITTER TRUTH ALWAYS STINGS..
BE BLUNT AND GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST
HE JUST REMEMBERS WHEN HE WAS YOUNG...
I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.. ITS A MAN THING
THE SON PROBABLY REMINDS YOUR HUSBAND OF HIS SELF A LIL BIT.

Answer 9

you are a blessing for there kids ...i think u can talk to him clearly he can sense love in your one , no one will teach you to talk to your husband!