long story! mature answers only?

Question

This is going to be long but to get the best answers i need to give most of the details.
There was this married couple that are my friends but little over a year ago they split up and are almost done with their divorce. The guy is already involved with someone else but the girl is not. I my self am out of a 5 year relations ship too and recently I've been seeing this girl more often. I always thought she was very attractive and nice person and she felt like that too about me as well but we never took it pass that since we both were happy at our relationships at the time.
We've gone out to movies and dinners few times, she invites me to her home all the time and gives me warm hugs, kiss on the cheek and all the good body language signs like playing with her hair, looking away , sitting really close to me on a big couch etc, etc...I see all this things so one evening I just went for it and kissed her....I think she was little surprised by that but did not fought me off so i figured it was fine. After that we went out few more times and kissed few more times but I think it was me who initiated all the time. Than few days later as we were going out I wanted to give her hello kiss and this is when she told me she is not ready for relationship right now.....I know she is going through thought time with the divorce right now so I automatically said that neither am I ( I guess I was defending my own ego from being rejected?) all of this has been few months ago
since than we still talk and hang out occasionally whenever I can but I do stay out of town a lot due to my job so its not easy. She still gives me all the body language and stuff, I even try not to return the kiss on the cheek when she gives me a hug but she doesn't notice that I'm trying to back away ....after all she said she wsnt ready so I took few steps back.
Just last weekend she invited met to her house and we were supposed to watch some movies, but it turn out that her brother had people coming over to watch boxing which we did instead movies. While there she was talking with her friends that I hardly know I was sitting there all by my self like a sore thumb....I felt stupid and out of place...after the fight everyone left and so did I even I had a feeling she did not want me to go....was it a right move?
I dont know what to do....I know I like her and she likes me too but something tells me she is not going to be ready for longtime and I dont want to be playing this childish game, we are both adults she is 27 im 29
feb 14 is coming up and I have two choices
either keep going after her and send her a card ----I need suggestions on what to say

or I could talk to her and tell her that it would be best if we dont see eachoter for a while because it keeps messing with my and her head and i find it hard to be just her friend and deny myself the feelings I have towards her....
by doing this I hope it would help her realize how she truly feels and i'm prepared for what ever the outcome might be....either way the choice is going to be clear and simple

some of you might tell me that we bot are on a rebound and that divorce are tough on a person.....I'm very well aware of it so no need to tell me that
I just need advice on what to do how to do it and what to say

Answer 1

Personnally, I think you are agonizing too much about it. You both seem to like each other, so just relax and send her the card and some flowers. Just be natural and follow your heart.

Answer 2

hey..
like you already know, itz probably the divorce stopping her from getting together with you, she has alot on her head right now.
so i think itz pretty obvious that you both know you like eachother, so you have nothing to lose by waiting just a bit. dont pressure her, give her a little space for a while untill she is ready, just be a good friend and help her get through her tough time.
i know that when i say dont pressure her i am kinda stating the obvious, but what i am saying is even making a little move on valentines day might get ger panicked. maybe take her out on valentines day, just for a drink or something, and ask her about what she wants to happen, if not now than if she will ever want something. i think it is the most straight forward way to take a step, and that way there is no messing around with anyones minds, and no confusion.
gd luck with that :)

Answer 3

I would literally tell her, straight up. She might now understand how serious you want to be since you told her you weren't ready, either. (Not that that was wrong or anything, she just might not know.) So, I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel, and that you understand that she's in a hard place. A divorce really is hard on someone, especially if she wasn't ready for it. But, if she doesn't want to have a relationship right now, I know it's hard for you, but you should respect that and not push her. However, I don't think you should stop talking or seeing her. I think you should just give her time and once again, ask her straight up if she would want a future relationship with you.

Answer 4

OK, so you are sure she likes you, and you know you are in love with her. Valentines is around the corner, i would suggest you to get her a card, let her know how you feel in this card, that you know she is confused, that you will wait for her if she thinks there is a possibility, but if she is sure there is no a chance for you, to let you know about it so you can move on. Let her know that you love her and you can not be just her friend, this will make her decide if there is a chance for a relationship. But be patience and respect her decision. Don't do a big deal about Valentines, it is just a date in the calendar, love should be demonstrate every day with patience and consideration. You can send her a card or letter even before Valentines.Write a letter or a card, but do it on writing, that way you can get every thing out and will set the record straight.
Maybe she wants to wait until the divorce is final so she can be free just to be with you, with no attachments from her soon to be ex, and if you think about it, that would be the proper thing to do.
I really hope she decides to give your love a chance.
Good luck and Patience!

Answer 5

I agree with the last answer. You have to come out and tell her your feelings. Yes, she can once again give you a cold answer "i am not ready" she is playing games. There is no such a thing and you should know....when you are interested in someone, you are ready!!! It is true for both men and women. If you drag it out, you might end up getting hurt even more. Emotional rollercoaster will affect your work, personal life and happiness in the end. Think about it and as you said that you are both adults, there should not be games like that.

Answer 6

The best thing you could possibly do for both of you is break it off and both get your life together. I know it's hard but until you can learn to stand on your own two feet and like who you are as a person you can't possibly offer anything to her or anyone else. I got divorced 2 yrs ago and have only had one short relationship since then (just started a new one . . .). I know what I'm talking about - I was not ready to be what anyone needed until I got myself together and now I have something to offer and not play games.

Answer 7

I think it is right that you two take a break right now. Figure out what you TRULY want. Are you totally happy being with him? Could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Is it an issue that you are becoming financially independent and he is not? Ask yourself these questions. You do still love him, but is he worth it? Can you live out your life to your full expectations while at the same time being with him? I hope this helps :] And try not to let others influence your decisions too much. Do what you think is best for yourself. You can never learn from your mistakes if you never make them.

Answer 8

Level with her without pressuring her.

Sit on the couch next to her, take both her hands in yours and tell her that you understand she's coming out of one relationship and doesn't want to jump right into another just yet... but let her know your feelings for her. Let her know you're ready to try a relationship when she is, but you respect her enough to wait till she's worked things out in her own heart.

Ask her what her concerns are about a relationship right now, and then here's the tricky part -- DON'T TELL HER WHAT TO DO ABOUT THOSE CONCERNS. Just rephrase them back to her to let her know you heard her and understand. Let her talk it out -- she doesn't need to be told what to do about them, she just needs to get her concerns out in the open.

Listen to her, and make it clear that you care about HER feelings without trying to run them or fix them (something guys instinctively try to do). And when she's explained about one concern, just gently say, "I get it. Is there anything else?" Eventually, she'll come down to "No, that's it." When that happens, finish up the conversation as below.

Often, when we air our concerns like this, they vanish. And... sometimes they point out an incompatibility you didn't know existed. (Like... well, I remember a couple of girls in high school that I kissed, and THEN realized I didn't want a relationship with them. It may be that this is the case for her regarding you, in which case it's better to find out now so you can get on with your life.)

Either way, it's the truth, and that's the most powerful place for you to stand regarding her.

To finish up the conversation, just tell her that you understand her concerns, and that the last thing you want to do is put any pressure on her, but you're there for her when the time is right. Then give her a hug and kiss her on the cheek. Depending on her reaction, you'll know what to do next.

Answer 9

Just come right out and tell her you really like her in the romantic sense, and want that kind of relationship. If she comes up with the "I'm not ready yet" excuse, then I'd say she's playing games with you in order to boost her own ego, and it's time for you to move on.

Answer 10

I think that communication is the key here. If you both like each other but she is not ready then you should tell her that you need to spend less time because it is messing with your mind.

However, it sounds like she is the one on the fence to me.....it's like she wants a guy to do all that "date" stuff with but without the relationship.....

Relationships can come in all forms......could you be happy with casually dating? meaning you go on dates and do some of the date stuff but nothing serious or committed?

Keep in mind that these relationships don't usually include sex....or in my opinion they shouldn't!

You and she need to sit down and figure out where each of you is at. If she is not ready and you can't take that, then you need to spend less time with her. If she wants to date but not have a serious relationship and you want serious, you need to back off as well.
If serious isn't on either one of your plates right now then go ahead and date and have fun! But make sure you discuss the boundaries of your casual dating BEFORE you dive in.....like how far each of you is willing to go physically and stuff like that.

Good Luck!

Answer 11

I would talk to her and tell her how you feel. Leave the ball in her court after that. Give her a little time and let her make the next move. At least you can say you tried and you wont always wonder what could of been.