Son's father wants communication after 4 years--is a deadbeat dad better than no dad?

Question

My son is 6 years old, his father and I split up when he was 1.5 years old. once we split, he was gone as a father as well...he ended up going to jail about a year later and is still there but has sent a few letters in the past 3 months or so wanting to start communication with our child. This is not the type of man I want being a role model in my son's life but, fact is, he's my baby's father for life. Is "any" daddy better than no daddy or do I wait until he comes home and go through the court system if he persues it at that time?

it was a very violent crime that he was convicted of.....he has serious anger issues....but i dont want my son to ever resent me for not having his dad...but i know i would never be comfortable with his dad having him without me--after all we are talking about a man that i dont even know anymore and my son surely has no memories of no matter how much he wants to think he does :).....i just want to do what's best for my son

Answer 1

I have been through a similar situation. I left my son's father when he was a month old and he dragged me to court over a year to see MY son. He never paid me a penny of child support even though it was court ordered. He wouldn't show up for his supervised visitation and finally when my son was 18 months old they terminated his visitation rights. My son will be 9 in April. Last year his father had Social Security contact me because I guess he is now disabled and my son qualifies for his benefits. I made sure they attached it and gave me child support too. I'm still owed $32,000.00. I would give it all up if I knew he would stay away forever. He has been in and out of prison and rehab and I guess has also been homeless. I will do everything in my power to make sure my son NEVER sees him. So far he has not even pursued visitation. Thank goodness.

I have been with my now husband since my son was 2 years old and my son calls him "Dad". My husband thinks of him as his son and we have a 5 year old daughter together. In our situation it would not be in my son's best interest to see his father, but every family is different. The fact that he has been absent for so long will make him look REALLY bad in court. "Any" daddy is not better than "no" daddy. It's up to you what you feel your son needs. Good luck! I hope it all works out for you.

I should have added, too, that my son is autistic and seeing his father would have no positive effect on him. His mind does not work in the way that he "misses" his father or even realizes he has a different "dad". He knows his last name is different from the rest of us and if he would ever ask me I would certainly tell him about his father. But I will not voluntarily tell him any information without checking with his autism doctor first. When I married my husband three years ago I took him to see a psychologist to make sure he would make the adjustment ok. His biological father was in jail for drugs and also for burglary. I don't think that is the type of person to be around ANY child. I don't care what their relation to the child is.

Answer 2

The short answer is: NO, a deadbeat father is NOT better than no father.

The long one? I never knew my father, and I couldn't have cared less because I had so many other loving people around me that a father was never something I even thought about. I had a loving grandfather and a doting uncle to give me all the love I ever needed from a "father figure".

What could your ex possibly know about being a father? He doesn't even KNOW his son, which means that he will obviously have zero parenting skills. More importantly, how can you expect you son to all of a sudden have any kind of feelings towards your ex? He doesn't know the man, hasn't bonded, and may even seem him as an intrusion into HIS life with YOU. Technically, you will be expecting him to accept a stranger into his life.

And what if superdad can't cut it? What if he comes back into your son's life, realizes it just ain't for him, splits again? How do explain that? Worse yet, what if you let him back in, he turns out to be a total knob...and you CAN'T get rid of him?

The fact that you're even entertaining the idea of fighting it out in court tells me your sittin' the fence on this issue. Sounds to me like your thinking more about your feelings and fears than your son's well being. Start filing desertion papers on this mouthbreather NOW.

Answer 3

If your son's father is in jail and is trying to 'start communications with his son' he could be in some kind of 'therapy' at the prison that 'encourages this' ... but that is the ONLY way I would allow him to 'communicate' with your son. The 'best and easiest' thing to do is to contact the 'warden's office' and tell them what this man is doing, and ask if he could be doing it because of the 'therapy' he's in. ONLY if the answer is 'yes' should you allow any contact, and even then I would ALWAYS read EVERY LETTER before giving it to your son, and I would 'read it with him' rather than just letting him 'read it on his own.' As for 'other personal contact' you should see an ATTORNEY about what, if anything, you can do NOW ... because it may be that the prison your husband is in may have 'children's days' where the fathers and their offspring can do 'normal things' together at the prison ... and you need to 'know' in advance whether it is the 'prison' that does this or if it is just your 'ex' trying to 'get closer to his child.'

Answer 4

No one who has been in the situation you are in can give you an objective answer. No one who has not been in the situation you are in can give you and informed answer.

I do know a child wants to know his/her father and did not experience all the trauma you did in your relationship. He will not understand your telling him no to this. Give him the letters written to him and let him write his father if he wants.

I do think it would be a good idea to get him into counseling to help him cope with his absent parent. You may even see if there is a Big Brothers organization in your area. A Boy's Club would be a great alternative to counseling - Your son needs an adult male in his life so he doesn't feel so abandoned.

Of course this is just my opinion and you know what it's worth. I just highly recommend you let his father disappoint him rather than you.

Good luck, sweetie.

Answer 5

well there is a fine line here
if he is a dead beat you do not want him to influnce your sons life, on the other hand you do not want to hear "how come you kept me from my dad"
this situation is so hard to deal with.
the course of action i think you should take is, write back to father and tell him that when he gets out of jail he will have to prove himself to you and your son by paying child support for at least six months without falter. He must live a good honest life for that time ,no drugs, no drinking ect.. if and when he does that you 2 can discuss the possibility of him seeing the kid and becoming part of his life. Make him prove himself.

Answer 6

I don't think so. My son had never met his dad... until last Aug. when his dad finally contacted me to see him. I let him visit with him (at our home)... and he walked out on him... again... and again... and again. The last time he contacted me he said that he doesn't want to be bothered unless my son is on his death bed... My son has no father... He will NEVER have a father. His mom found out she had a grandson (by ME) when my son was 14 mo. old... She told me my son is better off without him. She also told me not to leave me son alone with him. He owes us over $8,100 (since June of 05), asked for no visitation in court... No job, no place to live, no car... My son is also Autistic and he refused to even learn about it or my son... Let him take me to court... I'll win.

Sorry, I sort of run off on this sort of topic... I don't mean to...

The point is that because this is my situation, doesn't mean it is going to be the situation for everyone. I am sure there are guys who really do change... Sometimes I honestly think that no dad is better. Whatever you do... be careful with your son's feelings. Fortuately for us... my son didn't care about being around him at all... But to be old enough to know that your parent doesn't care about you... or want you... can really hurt a child.

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do for your family :-)

Answer 7

I would start off by only having supervised visits. work out something for child suport. yes it is important for you son to know his father and to know that youve done everything in your power to help and make this happen. It also helps when they see you and your ex communicating about whats best for his sake and not always fighting. If I were you ild let him have some visitation slowley.

Answer 8

That really is hard but i think u could get your son to talk to him but check every letter he sends before giving it to your son to make sure no bad influencing is in it. Or if you do not like that idea don't let your son know until he is older.(around 8,9)

Answer 9

Your son is too young for this info. Protect him until he is able to know the truth.

Answer 10

sometimes no father is better but that is not your choice if he forces your hands let the court deal with it and demand supervised visits till he proves he is fit since he has had no contact with the child it might be best if he had supervised visits till he proves himself...