how can you help a 14yr.old girl?

Question

this girl is in trouble in school for running her mouth,many times now.she's been punished in every way you can think of,she goes to therapy,been talked to and still no luck.i was thinking about taking her to a women's prison or jail or visiting a detention center to show her the errors of her ways.nothing that has been done is helping.what would be the ying and yang for her to help show her the difference between being destructive and constructive?to show her how to be a better person.they can't change schools at this time of year,and punishing her doesn't work.i.e.no phone,friends,activities,tv,radio.they had her write sentences and that didn't work either.they even gave her extra chores to do.at their wits end,what would you suggest?all answers welcome.
please share your advice and help!they see her heading down the wrong path.thank you.

i thought maybe the scared straight method might work.

would'nt be good to transfer her schools cause she is presently on the cheerleading team and they're in competition and that would let the rest of her team down.

Answer 1

Cheerleading is not more important than her future. She sounds angry...like someone who has no limits and is surrounded by adults who do a lot of talking but no one who really has guts enough to set some limits, enforce some discipline and care enough to show her what to do....kids want limits they also need the adults in their lives to take responsibility for adult things (I am not saying you by the way, I dont know, I just have seen a lot of kids who have been effected by a mom or dad or both who want to be their friends). She is under a world of peer pressure and academic pressure at this age. She may need some help to navigate all that and still maintain some balance ....which is where parents come in. If all that ever happens is that she loses privileges she may be giving up..... if she stays on the squad, she's smart, pretty and has some discipline....she might just be playing you (or whoever) because she can....you need some other friends with kids this age.....or better...older kids, who can help you put in perspective and not take her personally....hormones suck....some of her behavior is stuff she can't even understand...if the adults in her life keep processing it and analyzing her...it would be no wonder she is angry.....this is a very important time for her and for the family.....teen pressures are unbelievable these days. Is she still under the same family rules that she was under when she was 4? or being treated like a mini-adult? either way.....is a recipe for disaster. I'd suggest you start with the basics.....our 5 family rules really never have changed.... 1. everybody plays or nobody plays 2. no foul mouth 3. clean up after yourself 4. no hitting/hurting 5. everyone sits together at dinner time....and I added the check-in rule......everyone has to check-in by a certain time every night...I also need a great deal of information before they can go anywhere....she is going to want to drive soon...she can understand that she will want more responsibility and to do more grown up things then she has to act more responsibly and more grown up.....

last, keep it simple. I stopped taking things away and went to a "rock pile" system...I filled a jar with slips of paper that are ugly jobs no one likes to do (no self care or chores...those are separate). When my tweeners get in trouble they get an appropriate number of ugly jobs...and they get nothing, no tv, no phone, no activities (not even cheerleading) until the job is done...keep in mind the jobs take on average 20-30 mins to complete if you just do them.... but they can stay mad and grounded as long as they like....until it is done.

I also use a YES policy. I sat down and told them I hate saying no to the things they want to do and the things they want to buy. So as for buying...I have a budget...and anything they want to buy above and beyond, they can EARN by doing things from the ugly jar (I pay about $5 for each job...things like cleaning the car mats, scrubbing the bathroom...so long as I initial it before the job and get to see it when its done).

Use your sense of humor....explain to her that you don't want her living in your basement alone and miserable when she is 40 so you want her to do her own laundry and clean her room.... keep your ears open...listen to what she is saying....is there a bully? a problem class? offer to help. ask before you go running into the school....present choices that work for you....i.e.... your grades come up or you get to stay after school with the math teacher.....if the math teacher won't help....get a tutor...lots of older kids tutor for free or nominal fee after school right on school grounds (keep it in a public place). Make sure she has someone to confide in....my kids have told me about all sorts of things...from parties with ecstacy (sp) and beer to crazy sex games that were going on at that age....I prayed they were telling me things for shock value...but too often, these were just part of the world they had to deal with and things they had to face, at least as part of the discussion at lunch in school.....figure out some milestone for her..... when she gets her grades up 10 points hve a reward of some sort, make a list for yourself of things that will be special about being 14, 15, 16, 17, 18......you can also start being honest with her...they don't come with an instruction manual....but they do understand that some days they can be all grown up and the next day you see them sleeping with a fav snuggy..... she has a responsiblity in the communication....
she'll understand that at age 4 all things are forgiven and all things are mom's problem......but its not that way anymore.... I had to tell my daughter that if she continued to give me half answers and half the effort that I was also going to start contributing half...and I did.... I did half as much laundry....cooked hot meals only for me...did only my dishes....none of that got her attention (or maybe it did but she didn't let on) until the day I left her off for school 3 blocks away (half a ride) with an armful of gear. You see, at 14 they know how to vacuum and they know right from wrong...sometimes they are just testing..... I wish you well....get the communication going and it will be fine...you might find the beautiful person she really is....just growing pains....and you might just enjoy a wonderful ride....I know I did with my kids... God Bless.... (Church helps.....its not that my parenting skills are any better than anyone elses but I am a firm believer that if God is in the equation you are given GRACE.....just a thought).

Answer 2

5

Answer 3

The best i think would be to help her is to let her learn from her mistakes because you cant help her if she dont want to help her self.She have to understand that life is not a peace of trash it goes threw many changes if she keep doing what she do she most likely find her self on the streets in the worst position of her life.I have an older sister that is doin the same thing nothin would change her mind. Ask her if she had a dream one day like being a teacher, nurse, docter ect.Tell her that she cant be nothin if she wanna be on the streets. life is not a fairy tail you cant play with it Do right before its to late.

Answer 4

I don't know where you live, but in all the moves I needed to make to different states when my children were young, there was no problem with them changing schools. When one of my children was assaulted in school, she was immediately transferred to a different school in the community, too.

I feel for you--my daughters gave me some grief too; particularly the youngest--who thought she was an adult since the age of 12. Strangely enough, my sons were pretty good when school aged.

Answer 5

Dont take it that way... the bad way allways goes wrong, it wont refresh her it will only make her hate you more, and get worse ... I realy think you should gain her trust frist and then talk to her ... because in most cases a child react like that cause she has problems and a way to forget them or feel go with herself is taking it on other people ...

Answer 6

There is a book I heard about that may help.
I think the title is "Girls gone wild, Dads gone crazy"
I wish you or her parents the best.
Don't give up on prayer.. you may not always see the results immediately, but God is faith full and wont leave her even in the worst of times.

Answer 7

I just spoke to my daughter last night she was extremely rebelious yet she turned out a good person and u know wat she said to me she said i was the one that kept stability in her life so even though u may feel like nothing is working as i did if u r showing her a disciplined way of life continue in this way. My daughter is now 24 and she has only now told me this.

Answer 8

Like the book idea try hitting her round the head with it

Answer 9

well,this is a tough one.try looking for some books on teenagers,there has got to be something out there.
good luck.

Answer 10

the belt