Why Am I being Called A Bad Mom?

Question

My daughter is 14 months old i am a stay at home mom I spend all day with my daughter except when she takes naps which is when i clean house and i have my "quiet time" When we go out if my daughter misbehaves i warn her and if she continues i pop her butt not hard at all but just to let her know she is being bad. My daughter's other grandma is constantly telling me i need to get a job and put her in daycare. I can't work because i am disabled i have myasthenia gravis and most days i am fine but some days i can't even get out of bed with having MG i have learned how to pick my daughter up without hurting her or without dropping her and how to do the little things like fixing her a peanut butter sandwich I had to learn how to do all that again. If i get a 9-5 job it would tire me out and i've been told by the Doctor that i would probably never work again. Her other g-ma is telling me i am a bad mom because of my disability and that i need to give my daughter up Why am i the bad mom?

My daughter's father is not helping at all we are not together but still he doesn't help out he is sposed to pay child support but sometimes he doesn't and sometimes he does it's a hit or miss. I am using my savings and what i get from SSI to support my daughter and myself i haven't asked for help from his parents or from my parents because she is not their daughter. His mom thinks i should give my daughter up for adoption so she can adopt her because i make my daughter mind and i don't let her do what she wants. I am not overly strict my daughter is a happy child I just don't want her to go to someone's house and tear anything up if that's being a bad mom than i know ALOT of them out of there. Because i won't give my daughter candy whenever she wants it i get called a bad mom. I'm the one who takes care of my daughter when she's sick i'm here for her morning noon and night where is her father? He lives 20 mins away but because partying is more important he never comes to see her.

My mom tries to help me and i love her for it but sometimes i feel like she is telling me or that she is helping me because she doesn't think i can do it. My mom supports me in whatever i do so it's not even like that it's just my daughter's other grandma doesn't see her and it's my fault.

Answer 1

You are NOT a bad Mom.

People who were good parents then had a disabling accident, or developed a disbility aren't suddenly bad parents because they unexpectedly became diabled. That's extremely fuzzy thinking. And untrue.

You have taken care of a baby for 14 months! Succesfully taking care of a child at all is major, doing so when you're not always up top par is even moreso.

People have and offer their opinions about our lives, which (isn't this funny) they aren't living. This doesn't mean another person won't have a valid point, but ultimately you are the one who is going to have to live with your decisions, and therefore, your actions.

I don't understand the suggestion to give up your child. What would make her even think such a thing? Has something occurred accidentally when you went weak? Has anything detrimental to your baby happened at all? Has anything detrimental happened to you while trying to care for your child?
Unless a severe injury was involved, I don't understand why giving your child up is a solution. A competent & concerned parent would seek advice. You started here. I'll tell you about organizations that may help you a little further down.

The job suggestion, I don't understand either, since you have days when you can't get out of bed. How can you keep a job like that? Remember that another person's idea of a good life for your child, has nothing to do with reality. I don't compare my parenting with Hollywood (actress) moms, they have way more money and other resources available to them. Don'y let anyone undermine what you do. To your baby, you are the best mom ever.

If you don't have anyone to help you when you aren't feeling well, you might want to check out the state department of disability, or whatever it is in your area. They may be able to provide a homecare assistant. Is the job suggestion because of your finances? Places that offer work to do at home are mostly scams.

I understand what you mean when you say you learned how to pick your child up without hurting her. My niece has myasthenia gravis AND lupus, but the myasthenia is responsible for the occasional weakness in her arms & legs. Sometimes her legs just give out. And there are days when she has little stregth in her arms. She had to quit her job. But she didn't quit life, she hasn't called off her plans to get married someday, or to have children.

You say you have never injured your child because of your limitations due to the disability. When you consider incidents that involve your safety & your child's you have to look at it honestly. So the question to ask would be am I being honest about why this occurred? As long as you assess situation honestly and accurately, you shouldn't have a problem, because you will be able to come to an honest conclusion about whichsolution will be best to prevent further incidents, or to reduce adverse circumstances from occuring. I'm not questioning your abilities, just showing you what someone 'outside looking in' might think.

If someone looked in my window and saw me walking toward my son with an iron, they might think I was about to do something awful. They wouldn't know that I hide the iron (from my grandchildren) in the living room, but my ironing board is in the kitchen. My son was just sitting on the loveseat.

Even the most conscientous 'normal' parent faces challenges. I have experienced the most mind-numbing migraines ever and had to take care of a baby. I have had to take a child to the doctor while I felt horrible with the flu, and had a 103 or 104 degree temp. We had no car, I didn't have the $ for a cab. (I'm still here, and I have been in the hospital while my baby was on another floor recovering from his own surgery. Imagine what it was like when we made it home. I was drowsy with meds, yet I had to dose the baby correctly. Days when all you want to do is feel better, are just rough. Pardon the phrase, but parenting ain't easy.

It appears, from what you wrote, that you are doing your best to take care of your child. Are you feeding her (congrats on success with the peanut butter sandwich), playing with her, giving hugs and kisses, and telling her she's loved? Do you bathe her, wash & comb her hair, make sure she wears clean & neat clothing, attend to scrapes and tumbles, and provide a clean & safe environment? Are you drying her when she has a wet or soiled diaper, or have you begun potty training? If you said yes, then you do what any other 'good' parent does. Take care of their children to the best of their ability.

You mentioned discipline: the country is divided on physical punishment versus a time out, or other alternatives. I don't think a swat on the butt is horrific...as long as you don't react out of frustration or anger.

My niece doesn't always have warning before she gets weak. Sometimes she does. Perhaps the grandmother is concerned about those times when something happens without warning.

What do you do on the days you can't get out of bed? Does someone come to help you? Or does she play next to you in the bed (mine did)? If you find yourself without help some days, and you can't afford to pay for help, perhaps your state can provide a homecare assistant. I don't know how things work where you are, but you might want to start with the department that works with people who have a disability. Check online or in the phone book. Also (I'm sure you know this), get your state to go after the father for the child support.

The white pages have government listings where I live. They should be able to direct you to the services you need and help obtain the services. There is also an organization, FRIEDA, who work on behalf of disabled women who are sterilized against their will. They may be able to advise you.

My sister told me to mention everyone has days when they can't get out of bed. ( I hadn't thought to mention it, so she gets the credit.)

Parenting is a challenge. Adding those of having a disability can give the appearance that taking care of a child is too monumental a task for a disabled person to handle.

What you need is support. You have enough on your hands without the added concerns of those who should love you through this (if they are unable to help you), or love you and help you all they can (if they are able to).

Wouldn't it be nice if, instead of looking at your circumstances from their point of view, they could see it from yours? (Heavy sigh, and wistful shake of the head.)

Maybe the grandmother thinks you aren't considering what is in the best interest of your child. As long you belive you are able to take care of her, even with the days in bed (assistance on these days would be ideal), you should have the chance to continue do so. Why would giving her away be in her best interests?

Contact those organizations.

Don't give up. You and your baby should remain together.

Everyone gave great answers!

Hope this helps! God bless you!

Answer 2

One thing I never expected when I became a mom: that I would have to REALLY grow a backbone.

For some reason, no matter what you do, you will be called a bad mom by someone. If you're in the grocery store and your child is throwing a fit and you do nothing, people will look at you and wonder why you are just letting her be a brat. If you spank her, someone else will look at you and think you're evil for spanking. If you stay home with your daughter, some people will say she isn't getting proper stimulation or social opportunities. If you send her to a daycare, people will say you're letting someone else raise your child.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to get past all this, except to have confidence in yourself, take to heart suggestions if they're from someone you respect or you feel they're worth being taken seriously, and raise your daughter the best way you know how.

As far as your daughter's "other grandmother" goes, she's not a great mom. Her son ended up walking away from what should have been his biggest responsibility. She didn't raise a perfect child, either.

The only thing I would say is that if your MG is causing you problems where you're really suffering more than 1 day probably ever two weeks, you may want to consider something like a Mother's Day Out program. On the days when you're doing the best you can, but your best is affected by your illness, and you are doing the bare minimum because that's all you CAN do, your daughter is probably not getting the stimulation she needs. I also am a firm believer in children having regular access to other children, so it could be best for both of you. If you wonder how you can afford it, tell your daughter's grandmother that if she has issues about this, SHE can pay for the little girl's Mother's Day Out. That way, she can have the peace of mind that at least a few days a week for a few hours, her granddaughter isn't stuck with "a bad mom".

If I were you, I would stop her when it comes to saying you should give up your daughter for adoption so she can raise her. She has no right to say such hateful things to you, and at some point, you have to let her know that there IS a line and it HAS been crossed.

I hope things get better for you!

Answer 3

You are not a bad mom for being disabled. Sometimes people are so discordant and unfair with the things they say and their mean intentions...

But try to be more loving, not only caring of your child. Maybe you are strict with her because you think you don't deserve yourself to do a mess at someone else's house. Try to see yourself bigger and protect your child's tender psyche letting her break things or cry loud in a crowded place.

That will annoy some people a little bit, but you would have let your sweet baby feel secure and protected. Of course you must teach her so she learns she doesn't have to do those things but don't punish her, just talk to her and find a good way to do it.

Anyway, even if you are a bit of a punishing mom, that doesn't make you a BAD MOTHER!!! Most people have raised their children through ages being even harder on their children...

My advice is that you feel secure and see the value of yourself honey, no matter what disability yo could have.

Answer 4

Anyone who tells you that you are a bad mom should be told they aren't allowed to be in contact with you until they learn proper manners. Tell them you won't allow such a bad example around your child.

Also I strongly believe you need two things:
1) Find your tribe. Find a group of people who will support and empower you. Maybe this will be other disabled moms, maybe just a nice group of moms. Find these people in person, online in parenting groups (Yahoo! Groups are good but there are tonnes of others), through groups that deal with services for disabled people whatever. Everyone needs their tribe.

2) Find a local group of moms with kids you can get together with so your daughter can play and you get some adult time. They should be nice and polite but need not all be your best friend. I know it is hard for you to get out but I am sure with some support you can do it,

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear that you have MG. I just read some info on it and it sounds like you are struggling hard enough w/o your family not supporting you. I think you are a strong and courageous mother, to want to take on the care of a child while you are struggling w/ your disabilities. As for your daughter's g'ma's if they were truly thinking of your daughter, they would offer to help you in anyway they can instead of trying to take your daughter f/ the one person in the world who truly loves her and is only thinking of her. How can you even let them make you think you are a bad mom?? Obviously you aren't, or you wouldn't be so worried about what they think of you, and wouldn't be asking for advice. Good luck to you, and be well. :)

Answer 6

I don't think your a bad mother, first of all it seems to me that your mother and mother inlaw should be helping you and if they are not supporting you then they should not be around period. I would how ever if there were days that I could barley get out of bed hire some help for those days or a friend could help but there is nothing wrong with you wanting to a parent and your child will see your stuggles and love you ahelluva lot more than those grandmothers who refuse not to help and make you struggle harder be free keep ur head up and belive

Answer 7

Obviously she needs to lose her grandparenting rights if she cant keep her mouth shut. Does she think she was the perfect mother? Did she work? My mom didnt work until I was in High school and my little brother was in school. Then she worked in the lunch room and didnt get a real job until my brother was in High school. So dont worry - your daughters love and appreciation for everything you do is the only opinion you need to listen to. You will be grateful one day that you were able to spend all that time with her when she was little. Mothers who work when their kids are little miss out on all that. I know because I worked with my first two kids and now with my third I stay home and enjoy every minute. Im not disabled so I dont have that excuse, so your mother in law needs to mind her own business.

Enjoy these times they dont last forever.!.

Answer 8

Having a physically limiting disorder does NOT make you a bad mom. You cannot help something like that. As long as you are doing the best you can for your daughter and for yourself with the abilities you have, then you are being a wonderful mom. There are many ways to get assistance (financial and otherwsie) for people in your situation so I would suggest looking into that (if you haven't already) just to help you out a little. As far as the grandmothers, I would let them know that this is YOUR child, not theirs. You are the one responsible for making decisions for your daughter and for yourself...as long as you are making positive decisions, then they should let you be.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, without knowing all the facts and hearing all 3 sides of the story, it's hard to say why they are calling you a bad mother.

I'm sure they are concerned about your welfare and your daughter's welfare because she is at such a young age and can be hard to keep up with. Please sit down and have a talk with them individually. It'll be a good time to reassure them that you have things under control and that if the time comes where you do need help, you'll let them know.

Answer 10

I'll bet this other grandma is you mother-in -law? I would'nt worry, you sound like a great Mom. I've found that motherinlaws tend to take all the dissapointment they heve with their sons and take them out on us. If you are caring for your daughter then you are a good Mom and just ignore this woman's opinion. You are not a bad Mom, she's a crabby, ignorant old witch who's probably jealous that you interested her son, and that you are still able to have children. Cheer up and best of luck to you.

Answer 11

Don't listen to her.
It isn't your fault you are disabled and if you can't work you can't work. It is a joy to be a full time mom...tell her that...tell her you do have afull time job and that is being a mom...and that having a disability makes your job just htat much harder.

If you can take care of your daughter in all ways then you are a fine mom...and you shouldn't give her up.

If someone told me to give up my baby...that would be the end of that relationship.

As long as you arent beating your child you are fine letting her know to stop it. SOmetimes that is what kids need is somethingto get there attention..and snap them out of it.

tell her what you think...and then ignore her