I was abused physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally as a child. I thought I had abolished all of my memories...that is until recently. Something has triggered my memories and I am having nightmares, and recurring images of the hell I went through as a kid. I will be 30 this year, and my parents still have a mental hold on me. The quilt trips, the attitude, the verbal hostility, and the pettiness are still present.....occurring whenever I say or do something that rubs them the wrong way.
I went to a therapist for the 1st time this week. I found I have PTSD & was advised to cut off communication w/ my parents for an undisclosed amount of time. She said to send them a letter....what do I write? They are both sick & I know this is going to hurt them....how can I do this gently? Without it costing me my good name (what I have anyway) for hurting my parents like this & being accused of being ungrateful and inconsiderate?
Please help me.....I need some good advice
2007-02-08 03:32:36 · 10 answers · asked by Mrs. Connors! 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I live about an hour away from them with my fiance, who by the way, hates them for how they treated me then and for how they still treat me today.
These feelings have started this past month, and I have been avoiding their calls - only answering when completely unavoidable....like at work....just about 10 minutes ago.
My mom asked if I was mad at her....I told her no, but I had to talk to her about something that I am going through and I couldn't do it over the phone at work. That I would call her later tonight. I asked her that if I call her, I will need her to listen to me thoroughly and not turn this around and make this about her.
If I call her......I don't know if I will.....all I know is that when she called I couldn't hold it back......it was like something inside me pushing that little bit out. And it felt good. I hope I feel this good when I get it all out and in the open. I know that I can't go on hiding forever.
2007-02-08 04:29:04 · update #1
As an abuse victim myself....listen good here....taking care of yourself is not ungrateful and inconsiderate. Abusers never like to face the truth about themselves, so they project their reasoning onto their victim, and use accusations to maintain their control over them, which enables them to continue abusing you.
It doesn't matter what THEY think of you, because they are abusing you. If they abuse you in the first place, their love for you is questionable, as is their opinion of you. Standing up for yourself is not ungrateful, it is COURAGEOUS. Taking care of yourself is not inconsiderate, it is ADMIRABLE.
When you are accused of being "ungrateful", they are projecting. They are ungrateful for the gift that is you.
When you are accused of being "inconsiderate", they are projecting. they are inconsiderate of the person that is you.
Have no fear about writing the letter. Write plainly, simply and with little emotion, and don't for one second feel GUILT about trying to improve yourself. Instead, feel good about yourself for doing the right thing.
I've had to cut my mother out of my life for similar reasons. Abusive? Everything BUT physical abuse. At first, I felt similarly--she judges me. Then I realized that she abuses me and pushes me around because she doesn't want to face her own problems. Cutting her out enabled me to get onto the pathway of emotional wellness. I still have a relationship with her, but it's on MY terms.
If you ever want to vent, or need support, feel free to email me.
Stay strong, girlie....you can do it!
2007-02-08 03:56:45 · answer #1 · answered by gg 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a very similar situation with my parents. My dad and I have moved on and are doing great..were best friends. My Mom and I on the other hand have our moments. She has issues and it is often hard to not be personally affected by her crap. We have a long ways to go before we are good..mostly because like you I feel guilty and I have confronted her about this and she did a good job of crying and telling me I was an ungrateful daughter and she was sorry I hated her. She totally missed the point. But the guilt worked I'm still around her. The hold she has on me keeps me from being all that I could be and from having a happy and fulfilled life. To "breakup" with your parents will be tough but also the best thing you ever do for your happiness. Kudos to you for being so courageous!
2007-02-08 04:41:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good deal with going to a therapist.
Just write from the heart. Your parents may be sick but that should be no reason to stop you from telling them whats on your mind. They hurt you for all those years and now you have a chance to tell them how they hurt you. Its hard to tell parents whats wrong with you.
My mother has forever mentally and verbally abused me. Whenever I tried to tell her, she would just say I had been watching too many movies and that my childhood was better than hers. Dont let them being sick guilt trip you into not trying to help yourself. You need to do this to help you move on.
Good luck!
2007-02-08 03:50:50 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a very similar childhood to you and know what it is like to still feel beholden to your abusive parents. I've struggled with how to establish boundaries etc.. and it has been especially hard now because I am married with a child and my parents do a great job of interfering with my marriage. My advice to you would be to gradually establish your boundaries a little bit at a time. I think that works better than an abrupt change in your relationship.
2007-02-08 03:38:55 · answer #4 · answered by Mike S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes, it is alright to be a bit blunt. You should have confronted them a long time ago. If they still don't get it through their heads, and try to acuse you of being ungrateful, cut them off and in that time let them ponder it. If they are still like that after you see them again, you are better off alone, because you are 30. If they are sick I am sure someone else can take care of them. I think people should help others as long as it doesnt hurt themselves.
2007-02-08 03:43:52 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
okay this is really serious... even if it's just tickling. im pretty sure that you can report anonymously. i really think that you should tell social services about it. it hurts really bad to be tickled a lot and for a long time. every parent has there own form of punishment... like the keeping from dinner. but if they don't feed him regularly then that is definitely not good at all. good luck! im proud of you for stepping up to this and worrying!
2016-05-24 06:48:02 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I will first of all ask this question.Are u a christian?. If u are, i will advise u to fast and pray to God for solutions.
And above all, Before taking any decition to telling your parent what u have in mind or breaking up with them,u have to be sure of what they have in mind.After that,u visit a pastor that have the fear of God. he will tell u what to do.
If unforturnately,u are not a christian, just make sure u do what is write.
I WISH U THE BEST.
2007-02-08 04:27:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Just tell them, in any manner that you can. Do not feel guilty, do not feel like a bad daughter, do not worry about this. They obviously have spent no time worrying about you. You need to stay away, remind yourself why you are staying away, and move on, into a better life. You can do this!
2007-02-08 03:40:08 · answer #8 · answered by NAN G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well what i can tell u is that u should try to get away from your parents ....go out and live on ur own ur old enough to have ur own life ..move to another city, state if possible and get some help...and well try to not think about the abuse.i knoe its difficult but just try.
2007-02-08 03:43:06 · answer #9 · answered by CrIsTy O 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Write them the letter. Be honest with them, don't sugarcoat anything. Tell them that you will contact them when you are ready.
2007-02-08 04:11:14 · answer #10 · answered by Jaime A 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋