I need help with my 9 year old. . . .?

Question

I have a 9 year old daughter. I am struggling with her listening and following instructions and thinking for herself. Every single morning, I have to tell her 50 times all the things she needs to do. Sucha as brush teeth, dry her hair, put on deoderant, make her lunch etc. She does not stay on track, and we have a struggle every single morning. I am so tired of the struggle. I need some ideas on how to deal with this and how to diminish our morning frusterations. We get up 2 hours before school starts, so she has plenty of time. She just can't seem to stay focused.

Any help and or advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you

Just to clarify - My daughter goes to bed at 9pm every night, with no TV on or anything. She gets up @ 6:30 am.

She may have a touch of ADD, though I personally don't agree with medication for this except in extreme cases (which I don't feel my daughter is) I am not saying medication is bad, It's just not for me.

These answers are all great, thanks for all the good advice - Keep it up!!

Also, the reason she makes her own lunch is not because I am a mean mom. I used to make her lunch daily - she did not eat anything I put in it and it was a fight regularly. After taking a parenting with love and logic class, I gave her that task - of making her own lunch. Now, she makes what she wants (within guidlines) and she eats it all. It has worked well.

Answer 1

my just just made 10 and is the same way.
is she the only child? I understand your frustration... and felt like a broken record.. this is what my son did, i did for him.. things might help. I got a CHORE CHART.. / responsibility chart.. put stars up daily.. .. and reward her at the end of each week.. (something small) nothing big. maybe allowance, icecream, movie rental..trip to a girl store? after a month he kinda got the hang of his responsibliities.. (even though i might remind him if he put deoderant on.) what i did was have him smell himself after the end of the day and he smells like ONIONS if he doesn't use deoderant. and just reminded him that everyone in his class will smell that 10x louder than he did.
i PUT IT in his room (instead of the bathroom) his deoderant, his brush) also... i bought NEW stuff when we started this. got a plastic container and put his hygeine stuff in it. so he can see it and knows to do it after he gets dressed.
also.. remind her how many MINUTES she has instead of saying it over..like say u have 15 minutes, then 10 then 5 .. I just ask my son to "handle his business" then he will do his: deoderant, hair, get dressed, wash face, make bed is in the handle his business department,, chores (take out trash)feed animals, etc.
just have them write their own CHART and keep it in her room or on the fridge.
does she watch alot of tv? limit her tv,
does she play sports? after school activities? i just got my son involved in bball and he's in a mentoring program (like big brother, big sisters) its helping him alot too.
AND BEFORE everyone tells u to put your child on medicine.. just try VITAMINS, herbs, i have my son taking cod liver oil for kids, vitamins, herbs that help with focus/paying attention... this month i got some for my son.he likes taking them.. his doc / old teacher said he had add and he was just depressed in his class and was acting up and the doc wanted to put my son on adderal) but i just switched up his routine (switched his school) put him in sports,, and he's better.. (self esteem improved) more motivated, happier in the morning..

Is she stressed out? have u just sat down and talked to her about whats going on (at school, or with friends). get her a journal and just see what she writes after a month (smile) or have her write letters to you, and u write back to her)(instead of talking) i did that with my son last year.. he loved notes from mama!
does she watch tv in the morning? i let my son watch cartoons (spongebob is his favorite) in the morning /after school after he has handled his business.
i feel like a DRILL seargent with my son becuase of the many times i have screamed over and over and over but i just know that frustrated him. so just say it once and then snap ya fingers, point to what needs to be done or write it down on a peice of paper instead of saying it (lol) works for me.

i know this sounds crazy but watch nanny 911 because i have learned alot of good pointers from that show!

i think kids are use to MOM doing everything for them and they need to learn to be more responsible now days. GOOD LUCK :)
i think they just wanna be babies still and want us to spoil them, some kids are just lazy, but need motivation. my son use to ask me" why do i have to make my bed when im going to mess it back up when i sleep" LOL

OK IM GONNA shut up now LOL good luck again!

Answer 2

I think many parents can identify with your morning struggles - most 9 year-olds behave like this! The way our family has handled problems like this in the past is to (1) have bath/shower time at night (2) have the child make their own lunch the night before and (3) have her be responsible for her own personal hygeine in the morning - she may leave once or twice without brushing her teeth or putting on deoderant, but after kids start saying "you stink" or "your breath smells bad" she will realize the importance of what you've been telling her! It's all just part of a learning process, and she probably won't be able to go without remiders until she is 12. Good luck!

Answer 3

At 9 years old your daughter should not need you to give her step by step instructions of what to do. Some of this could be micromanaging on your part (sorry, but in my experience the parent's role is well over 50% of the problem). Sometimes kids need fewer tasks first thing in the morning. She might need to take care of some of these tasks the night before and others in the morning. At her age she probably does not enjoy being told what to do but asked what she has to do next. Perhaps you could help her develop a P.M. and A.M. check-list. Some things your child is going to have to learn to be responsible for based on the consequences of not doing so (i.e. - if she doesn't get her lunch ready you send her off with one that is not to her liking; if she goes to school with ratty hair or unkempt appearance, she will like receive a negative response from her peers and be motiviated to to change all on her own). Social pressure to conform to things like hygene can have an enormous impact. I would suggest that if you try this option you let the school know what you are doing so that they can reinforce the lesson. Finally, how late is your daughter going to bed? She may be too tired and groggy in the morning to stay on task. Is this a problem at school as well? Is there anything going on at school that is prompting the foot dragging? Is she just trying to delay facing something she dreads? Just some thoughts. Good luck?

Answer 4

Have her shower at night..it's a real time saver. Her lunch can be made the night before most of the times as well or at least partially put together. All the things she is doing is alot for a 9 year old in the morning.

PS: There is nothing wrong with a 9 year old making her own lunch. She is perfectly capable and able and is learning responsibility. I think it's pretty sad that some parents feel that a child that age cant do something as simple as make a sandwich.

Answer 5

First, scale back on the things. Start off with her doing the hygiene things (brush teeth, deodorant, etc.). Ask her what order she wants to do them in (she's GOING to do them - but what does she want to do first? Second?).

Second, hang a Task Chart - every day she does everything within a certain time limit (and without hassle), she gets a star or sticker. At the end of the week, good stars or stickers == some privilege (a movie, inviting a friend over, staying up late). NOT a reward - a privilege, b/c she shows that she can handle respnsiblity.

Third, don't yell, and don't make it a contest of wills. Tell her that if she DOESN'T do her things in the morning, then obviously she is NOT responsible to handle

She is 9! She is testing the limits, but she is also assuming responsibility. Don't deal with her like an adult (Do it or else). Deal with her like she's a kid who is learning as she is going - and has very little reference points to guide her. Except you.

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Answer 6

First, I am not sure why people assume kids need so little sleep.... If she's in bed at 9, what time does she fall asleep. She needs at least 10 hours so either she needs to go to bed later or get up later.

I would be having her get up an hour before school starts. She seems to have more than enough time to get ready for school, and she knows it. There should not be any TV time before school (don't need to rot their brain that early in the morning anyhow). She should have a precise schedule that has no breaks for distractions.

Together you could set up a list for her to check off as accomplishes each task (this helps with the ADD). This also will give her, her own reminders, "oops I skipped brushing my teeth, need to do that before Mom finds out".

My expereince working with kids and ADD is that thier brain is working a lot faster then the rest of them. She may have already accomplished 4 tasks in her head, after her body has only accomplished one. Make her morning tasks quick and easy....

And what is she doing packing her own lunch???

Answer 7

My daughter is the same way right now she is unfocused and moody. When I spoke to her doctor about it she said that hormones start as early as 7 years and 8-12 year olds have the hardest time with it, as they have moods they dont understand and dont have the vocabulary yet, to explain it. Doctor said to be patient and leave lots of time for her to get ready.... my kids are in bed by 8 and up at 6, I dont' think its the schedule she is keeping, but maybe just an age thing. Also, limit anything that will distract her in the morning (no tv, reading, playing until they are ready for school). Allow her to have as much prepared before she goes to bed the night before as well.

Make sure you find time for yourself to have a break, it will be the only thing we can do to make it through this stage (and it's not the last stage we will stuggle with I'm sure)

Answer 8

I had the same problem with my daughter (now 10) - I have a rule, you have however long to get ready in the morning - if you aren't done in time your bed time gets moved back 1/2 hour that night - it worked pretty good. I also typed out a list of things she has to do in the morning and framed it and put it on her dresser - I ask her if she's done with her list - I also remind her in the morning to stay focused and do the list. You also might want to try setting a timer - give her 3 things to do and set the timer, tell her she has to be done before the timer goes off or earlier bedtime.

Answer 9

My twin sister is having the same problem with her daughter who is 7. She'd get so frustrated. I took it upon myself to make a magnetic chart for my niece. It had listed all the things she needed to do each morning, (brush teeth, take a shower, get dressed, etc). Whenever my niece completes a task my sister puts a magnet to signify it was a task completed. If my niece does a good job all week, then my sister does something special for her, like take her to a movie or buy a book my niece wanted. It's been working like a charm.

My niece loves it because she says her mom doesn't yell at her so much and isn't on her back all the time.

I suggest making lunch the night before.....cuts down on time in the morning. Good luck!

Answer 10

I have a 10 year old daughter and have to remind her often but she is better. Consistency is the key. Maybe you can try to help her out by fixing her lunch...go through just the daily basics and follow her. Does she watch TV in the morning...is she eating a well balanced breakfast?...Is it possible that she has an attention disorder? (take no offense to that) sometimes parents just don't know. How is she doing in school? How are he grades? Does this just happen at home...look for signs of "lack of attention" in other aspects of her life. Also maybe do as much of this at night before bed time if possible. Is she gettting enough sleep? just a few things to ponder.

Answer 11

She doesn't have ADD. She's 9!! My 9 year-old son is the same way and it makes my husband and I NUTS!! Try to get as much done at night as you can - backpack ready, etc. - to limit what you do in the AM. Try packing her lunch for her and make her responsible for the personal grooming/dressing stuff. Tell her what time you are leaving the house to get her to school and, if she's not ready, tough. She goes the way she is. The threat of being embarrassed in front of her friends will snap her into shape, believe me!! You might even have to follow through on it, just so she knows you are serious. Good luck!!