Am I right to not go to my best friend's wedding?

Question

My best friend is getting married in April but a lot of people (including me and the my boyfriend who is the groom-to-be's best friend and best man) do not agree with the union. Most don't even think the wedding will happen. The groom-to-be has cheated on my friend many times (I have told her this), he's called of the wedding twice (the second time telling her he didn't love her like he used to. When he came crawling back she welcomed him with open arms), and he lies to my friend, me, and my boyfriend on many occasions and to our faces. My friend wants me to plan her bachelorette party that she wants on the Thursday before the wedding even though the people she would invite would have to be at work the next day (I don't want to do it because only one or two people would come out of the many she would invite and I don't want to spend that much money for a wedding that may not happen or a union that won't last a year). She won't listen to anyone when they try to tell her [continued...]

About her fiance's horrible ways (including me and my boyfriend. She says he loves her and would never do anything to hurt her), she wouldn't listen when I tried to give her advice on buying an apartment (when my boyfriend and I have been living in one together for over a year), I try to give her advice on how to save money for the wedding but she won't listen. I've tried everything in my power to get her to listen to me including getting down on my knees and begging. I'm fed up with her and have given up. She doesn't want to listen to anyone (including her parents who will not be paying for anything in the wedding since it has been called off so many times and they also do not agree with it) and my boyfriend and I have decided to not attend the wedding and I've decided not to throw the bachelorette party. However, I can't help but feel guilty about my decision. Should I go even though I don't agree or should I keep trying to get through to her? Or am I just crazy to think this way?

Yes, my boyfriend is the best man but is also not attending the wedding. He came to this decision before I did.

I'm not in the wedding and never said I was. My boyfriend is stepping down from his responsibility as best man by not attending the wedding. Didn't anyone take reading comp. in school?

As for the bachelorette party: she wants to go out and get drunk that night at a club but the clubs around here are deserted on Thursday nights and I'm not driving an hour to Atlanta for a bachelorette party. I tried to hint to her to do it on the weekend before by saying "but what about work the next day?" (not just meaning her, but the guests as well). She said "Oh, no, no, no! Me and [the fiance'] have that Friday off!". I just can't get thru to her, and not just with hints, even being straight forward. And the people that would be invited would be people she works with (I used to work with) so they couldn't ALL take that Friday off with hangovers. If all the people came that she wanted it'd be over 20 people, most with kids.

Lynnyk, to answer you question, no I'm not in the bridal party and my hosting th e bachelorette party is the only way in which I'm involved in the wedding. My friend's MOH is her 19-year-old little sister (the bridesmaids are her two cousins who live in Houston, TX) and she doesn't trust her with the plans or the money involved so she asked me to do it.

mbjalb6207, that just shows how much you pay attention. She ASKED me to plan the bachelorette party. I know good and well I'm not in the bridal party and the MOH is supposed to plan it, but as I said, she doesn't trust her with it. I know there is no age limit to the planning age of the party. My boyfriend doesn't call himself the fiance's best friend because, like I said, he too is against the wedding and hates what the fiance' has done to my friend and is dead set on not being the best man or having anything to do with the wedding. And giving advice does not qualify one as a "know-it-all". It qualifies me as a friend who is looking out for another friend's BEST interest.
And also, as I said before, didn't anyone take reading comprehension in school?? Because judging by most of the answers, the question and details were not read.

Answer 1

wow. its a really tough spot to be in. however i have to say that i agree with you 200%. your friend doesnt want to see whats right in front of her. and you what they say: "there's no worst blind person than the person who doesnt want to see." (sounds better in spanish, but anyway) she's screwing up her life. and everybody has tried, and tried, and tried, to get her to realize this. i mean her best friend (you), her groom-to-be's best friend(your bf) and her parents for chirstsakes!! i think the best thing to do is let her see the gravity of the situation by not attending the wedding, especially since your presence there is important to her. it does sounds bad, but its your last resource. i personally couldnt be a part of such a bad engagement. and naturally you are going to feel guilty, but you know its what should happen. this is really a peculiar case. i mean if it was just a matter of you not liking the groom just because you dont, then i would tell you, you should still go. but it's not. that man sounds terrible. i tell this though, your friend sounds like she has some serious confidence issues. she thinks that man is the best that she can do? if she truly believes that he loves after he's done her so wrong, then she obviously doesnt know what love is. i think you are making the right decision. lets just hope that with the absence of the people she cares about, something sparks in her brain and she rethinks her decision, that is if she doesnt get stood up in the altar. what a shame this whole thing is! one things for sure though, i do think you should be there for he when this whole thing blows over and she has no one to turn to because she's still your friend. i wish you luck!

Answer 2

First, if you and your boyfriend didn't approve of the marriage, then you shouldn't have agreed to be IN the wedding.
Your friends are grown adults and can make their own decisions. You've both made your feelings known. There is nothing else you can do.
If you both feel that strongly about it, then step down as attendants. But since they ARE your friends, then I suggest going to the wedding as guests.
If you two don't step down and don't go to the wedding, the bride & groom will have every right to be EXTEMELY upset with you. You made a commitment to be by their side and that includes a bachellorette party. You don't have to spend a lot of money on it. Just email those who are invited about the date & time, but the bride something like a bachellorette sash and veil and go bar hopping. Everyone can take turns buying the bride drinks so the 'burden' is not on you.

You have to remember that this is her life, not yours. You've told her how you feel, now let it go. Be her friend and be there for her.

Answer 3

Well I don't know your relationship like you do so I can only tell you what I'd do if this happened with my best friend. We all know everyone makes mistakes, some bigger than others. I love my best friend with all my heart and we've been there for each other since 5th grade!! She came to my wedding and was my maid of honor, threw me a bach. party, a bridal shower, everything. I'd do the same for her. The only thing you can do for your friends when they make mistakes, is try and tell them what you think, and they're going to do what they want to do. Then you just have to be there for them. I'd go to my friends wedding, throw her all the parties and you know, if she got divorced in 2 months, i'd still be there for her! That's why we have friends! My whole family disagreed with me getting married (b/c they didn't like my husband) but they all showed up and if anything ever happens, they will be there for me then and best friends are just like family. She might not ever forgive you for this... a wedding is a very special day to any girl and it's very important to have your friends and family behind you. Is it really worth risking your friendship to prove a point? You have to realize when it comes to love (or sometimes what people believe is love) there's no changing someone's mind... i know that first hand. So I suggest just being there for her.

Answer 4

Wow, that sounds horrible! I can't believe she went back to him after all he's done to her. And after you told her what he's done! If my best friend told me that, he'd be dumped. Especially if her boyfriend was my fiance's best friend! I can totally understand why you don't want to go to the wedding. I wouldn't go either. You go to weddings to show support for the couple. You don't support it, you shouldn't go. You're being a real friend by telling her the truth and trying everything in you power to get her to realize it, including getting down on your knees. If she were a real friend, she would listen to the advice you have to give and confront her fiance' with it. She sounds like she's very naive to think he would never hurt her after all you and your bf told her. Also, I agree with the bachelorette party thing. I wouldn't want to spend all that money either. Nor would I want to be responsible for people going to work the next day with hangovers. You're really being a friend by not attending because it shows her how serious you are about trying to help her. She shouldn't be marrying a guy like that and you deserve major props for trying to help her.

Answer 5

I think you should still attend, regardless of how you feel, if this is your best friend, whether she is right or wrong, you should be there for her. If you don't, you may endanger your relationship and hurt her. If you have a chance to talk with her one on one, choose your wording about your concerns carefully, but do not put him down or say anything negative, this could also endanger your relationship. All anyone can do is the best they can, and perhaps she likes the idea of getting married more than who she is marrying, and therefore doesn't see the faults. I was in the same situation years ago, but did attend the wedding and did not regret it. Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

It is best to just be straight forward (as you tried hinting and other ways) that you will not be attending and sorry you are not able to attend the bach party.

She ask why or gets upset/mad, you can let her know that you just don't feel comfortable spending that much money as you are in a financial situation. say that you just wish her well and hope she has fun. Then quickly get off the phone.

Some people don't like that face to face talk, so I do find it acceptable to leave a message on her machine.

Answer 7

You are not her mother. You are her friend. You are wrong not to go. She is an adult and can make her own decision as to who she wants to marry. You are her friend and are supposed to be there to support her regardless of whether you know in your heart this is a bad choice. If the wedding never happens, possibly she will be spared the grief. If it does happen, you need to be there by her side. (...And your added advice about an apartment and wedding costs etc. are making you appear to be a superior "know it all". Though you may have good intentions, I would be offended. Be there for a friend and pay attetion to your own life.)

Answer 8

Tough situation. Are you willing to end your friendship over HER decision to marry an idiot? Have you just simply told her your feelings? Keep in mind she does not have to agree with you, just as you do not have agree with her. This is big decision on you and your boyfriends part. If you do choose to be a part of her wedding, and host a party for her, you need to be honest about your financial limitations, and due to them, you suggest to do the party this way......... I do have a question for you. IF you are not in the wedding party at all, why is it you that is hosting the party by yourself? Just curious...

Answer 9

Wow. Your boyfriend is the groom's best friend and is not attending and you are the bride's best friend and aren't attending?
Well I can honestly say you don't seem taht great of a friend.
MY best friend got married to a horrible guy who we just KNEW was the worst ever for her but I still went because that is waht best friends do. I sucked it up in my bridesmaid's dress and wished her all the best. As a friend you are supposed to be supportive. This is HER life and waht SHE wants. Hopefully you can come to realize that you are the bigger person by going.

Answer 10

Okay, your first question:
No, you are not right. You are most definitely wrong. You need to support your friend, not her decision

If you're not in the wedding party, don't plan the bachelorette. You don't have to be 21 to plan it. Her 19 y.o. MOH can do it.

Don't bite people's heads off. You never said your bf stepped down as Best Man, you said he wasn't going to the wedding. (Either way, it's a crappy thing to do to someone you call a friend.)

I know you're only trying to look out for her best interest, but she's not interested in your advice (obviously) so be her friend not her guidance. She needs a friend, not a know-it-all.

...imagine the world if we all had "friends" like you. [sigh]


Wow...and I don't pay attention. Check the name, sweetheart.

A) I was giving you an out on the party. DUH; talk about comprehension

B) A friend giving advice means say it once. Don't beat a dead horse, especially if she doesn't agree with you. You are a friend, not her conscience.

C) I never said you said your bf was his best friend, you did. You need to follow your own advice about reading comprehension and paying attention.

D) You're right, giving advice doesn't make you a "know-it-all"; but the I'm right and you're wrong and I'm going to show you by not supporting you" does. (I was going to use a harsher word; be happy I stopped here!)