Would some of you please advise me?? Second posting coz no replies..?

Question

Been with her for 9 years, must admit I've been an arrogant pig for most of it, moody and sometimes violent, really regret it. Now I have changed she dosent want to know! She says I am a aggressive excuse for a man just like her father. (He was pretty bad to her and her Mom) I am trying to do all the things she wants but she thinks it's too late. We still have s.e.x and it's great with her but she pretty much ignores me the rest of the time and I feel a bit used. She is beautiful, great body, bad *** smart and I just completly love her! Help please.

Answer 1

If you completely loved her, you wouldn't have been abusing her to begin with.

I believe what she says...it is way too late. You had 9 years to learn to control yourself. And you waited until she actually dumped you before you did anything about it?

All that says is that the "changes" you've made will not be permanent. As soon as she comes back to you, and you have her solidly under your thumb again, you will find some excuse to go back to your old habits of abuse.

If you honesty want to learn how to stop being an abuser, then attend anger management classes. Genuinely learn the triggers that set you off, and how to control them. Learn alternate behaviours that would substitute for the abuse, like kickboxing at a club. Go to therapy so that you can understand yourself, and why you have ended up being an abuser.

MAKE AN HONEST CHANGE. And then, two or three years down the road, when you have begun to ACTUALLY change those triggers inside of you that cause you to hit out at women, you may honestly approach her and say "I've changed". Certainly not any time before then.

Answer 2

I gotta say that a tough one Chris. Trust is such a delicate thing. once broken its tough to rebuild it again and the fact that for all these years she stuck it out but u remained a replica of her dad, she probably is scared of ending up like her mum( in a pathetic future). Its also tough to believe a violent man can change coz they can be triggered by very small things and truly so a very large percentage really doesnt change.
Try to understand the above and be slow in your expectations because what u have broken in 9 years cannot be rebuilt in a day. She realllllly has to be convinced, which might also just piss u off as u have always been in control(from what u said above).
Ask her to go for counselling together as a lot will come out and both of u will be able to exhale all the pain that has been kept in, then take it from there.

Sorry I cant assure u of the outcome. u might also try to tell her that you would like your love making to have a meaning other than the bonking of a stale relationship. why dont u starve yourself a while as u sort the main thing which is the relationship out.

All the best

Answer 3

You should have appreceiated her when you had her. It is too late. Can you imagine how miserable her life was with you. I bet she looks back and thanks her stars that she isn't with you anymore.

Of course the sex was good and thats probably what she misses but as for your arrogance, mood swings and violence, I don't believe she misses you one little bit.

And yeah perhaps sometimes she thinks of what things would be like if she did try and make a go of it with you but to be honest I think she knows that most of the way you acted and everything you did to her was simply too unforgivable to go there again.

So what you need to do is to get all ideas of getting back with her out of your mind and question whether she is the one asking you for sex or whether you are constantly badgering her for it.

Leave her alone to get on with her life!!

Answer 4

You need to SHOW her you changed. Take her on a weekend vacation, and sweep her off her feet again.
If I was with a guy that treated me like ****, was violent towards me, and arrogant, I would say f--- this, I'm out. She thinks that you dont care about her, (because if you did- you wouldn't have treated her like that).
Women are supposed to treated like a princesses. They carry childen in the womb, everything about a woman is beautiful. The way they walk gracefully in heels (you try walking in 3 inch spikes!!), the way they smell, the way they think with emotions. Women are everything to a man. Treat her like that!
Since you changed, you need to show her. Tell her she is beautiful all the time, write her poems, taker her out..show her off to the world, She's your woman!!!
Good Luck!

Answer 5

okay you basically got yourself in pretty hot soup...9 years is a long time..sit back and think why you were with her for 9 years..how special is she to you and why..what were your initial intentions...and also think about why she did not tell you to go take a hike the first time you raised your hand...

from what you tell me of her background..she must have somehow come to a conclusion that..your behaviour was epected and tolerated as a man..and as your woman she was expected to oblige you..therefores continue to sleep with you and be loyal to you..that does not mean she loves you or she she dosen't love you..it means she is equally confused..as you...

show her what realationship and love and commitment means...make love don't have sex..and make sure you would rather die than hurt her again...women like her stick to their man...and she will love you and take care you..you just have to bring out those emotions..try getting soft..and arrogance is going to be matched by ignorance...let her know you are serious...get a good job..kick the bottle..come home early..take her out...for lazy strolls..get her wild flowers...

another day..buy her a candy bar..kiss her on the cheek instead of mouth..bring her out to the movies...you got work to do pal..i suggests you get started..your insane to ever let go off her..

Answer 6

You admitted it yourself, you were violent. Walk away from any relationship until you get yourself straightened out. There is never an excuse for violence.
If she is still around you then her self esteem must be really low. she needs to get help as well. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly.

Answer 7

I think its a case of you don't know what you have got till its gone.... Im sorry but when you were in a relationship did she give you plenty of warnings? I understand where you are coming from with still having sex and all, maybee you just need to be patient, show her that you have changed but don;t push your self on her give her freedom and it wouldnt do any harm for you and her to see other people. If you still feel the same way about her then try again. You took her for granted for a long while and now she is trying to give you a taste of your own medicine

Answer 8

get out and move on love, dont think this is going to work it will always come up in arguments and doesnt sound like she wants to know anymore apart from the sex. well buy her a vibrator for her birthday, find yourself some one else love and learn by your mistakes and start a fresh. best of luck to you.

Answer 9

OK, dude. You screwed up big time and you just have to face the fact that she doesn't want you back. You're admitting you were wrong, which is good, but If all she's willing to give you is sex and you feel used afterwards then you have to have enough guts to say "no". There are plenty of other girls out there. Take some time to get over her and move on.

Answer 10

communication is the problem, you may have to get a conversation to the point where she cannot ignore your questions. you can't throw 9 years away without giving it a right good go by talking to her, dont let her get away from it, just say your loosing faith in your relationship and that your really sad about that cos it's not how you want things to go cos yhou love her...............good luck, dont give up easily, things need work after 9 years in a relationship.