i think at 13 our son should clean his owm room after he has made amess with his mates yet my wife keeps cleaning up after him the best bit is he brought some friends round after school & had a dicky fit as his bed room was a mess with his stuff i never go in there as i believe in his space how can i get the wife to leave his room even when its a big mess for him 2 clean up himself
2007-02-07 19:52:27 · 8 answers · asked by md m 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
thank you all who hav give advice my wife might realise now that im not being unfair to our son what you all hav said i the same as i hav THANK YOU ALL
2007-02-07 22:42:25 · update #1
It is not your son who needs to be trained, it is his mother. The quotations she will give is 'he is my son, I am looking after him' and 'but he is only 13'....
The truth is she is training him to be lazy, self-centred, demanding and selfish. Until she can understand that she is actually being cruel both to him and any partner he has in the future this will not stop.
Often though, this is a reflection of how someone else is being, e.g. his father. Hey, this is not an accusation in any way but it may well be that he is demanding for himself what he is seeing in others. And I suspect your wife is exactly the same with you with her tidying up / cooking / cleaning etc.
Please do not be offended by this, my own partner is exactly the same with our 13 year old (who is my partner's daughter by previous marriage). Until I pointed out that she was training her daughter to become her father - who her mum left for exactly those reasons - there was great tension in the house to say the least!
The other thing that happens is that the teenager is able to work within boundaries that have definite lines not to cross, a structure within which they can learn. If everything is done for them then what is that teaching them? That they can do what they like and the world will tidy up after them. Wait until they try that concept out in the real world....
Initially there is indignation, puzzlement, demands and tantrums when the pampering stops. After all, that is what has got them their way in the past so it should work again, right? Wrong, give in to that and all they have to now do to get everything done for them is to moan, storm off all upset, claim you do not love them... and lo and behold, everything is done for them again.
I mentioned earlier his future partner. It is doubtful whether a) such a selfish individual can attract one worth having or b) whether anyone worthwhile will stay very long. If they do they have to undo years of abuse-by-kindness before anyone can be happy!
Sorry for the long-winded reply, you struck a major chord!
2007-02-08 01:15:45 · answer #1 · answered by tartantyke 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should leave him. It is his room so it is his mess. Once he doesn't have any clean clothes to wear then your wife should make a deal with him that his clothes will get washed when his room has been cleaned. Let him have a fit if his room is a mess and his friends come round. This shows that he is embarrased and when it is too smelly for friends to visit, then maybe he will realise. He is 13 - old enough to understand about responsibility...good luck
2007-02-07 22:31:12 · answer #2 · answered by redhead 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to tell your wife that by doing these things for your son she's not helping him learn to become a self reliant and responsible adult. It's like cutting the wings of a bird.
Don't open the door, ignore the smell! He will change his ways...and he should help around the house as well, community living requires community helping!
2007-02-07 22:19:35 · answer #3 · answered by Stef 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi. she has to stop its hard because its hard for me to walk past my girls room and not pick something up. My partner keeps tellin me not to do it as they have to learn responsibility and cleanliness. Now i have stopped my eldest daughter gets very embarressed if she brings a friend home and her room is a mess. So now if she wants a friend round she will clean it herself cos she knows i arent going to do it anymore.
I hope this helps you
By the way my daughter is 9 years old and she does get praise if it is kept in reasonable condition through the week
2007-02-07 22:31:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok..... this is an age old problem... one way that WILL work (but you have to carry it through) is when he leaves a trail of mess, give him 3 chances to clean it up.... the consequence being if he dosnt that whatever is left on the floor is thrown away FOR GOOD! worked for me when my mum did it... took 3 lots of my stuff going in the bin lorry and me being made to watch it disappear for good for me to do as i was told when i was told!"
2007-02-07 22:30:03 · answer #5 · answered by merrpet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her that he is never going to learn to do things on his own if she just does them for him, start telling him no when he asks to do things if his room isnt clean or if he left a mess in the kitchen or things like that. tell him that if he wants to be an adult its time to start acting like one.
it worked on me LOL
2007-02-07 23:45:35 · answer #6 · answered by puppy love 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my daughter is 13 and if she doesnt do her chores she is not alowed out or to have friends over at that age they need to be taught some responsability. she is getting very good at it know she will even put her clothes in washer and drier and take them upstairs herself to put them away
2007-02-08 00:25:59 · answer #7 · answered by michelle m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take his favourite toy away from him and tell him there is no way he can have it until he sorts his room. stick by your word so he knows your in charge xx
2007-02-07 22:19:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋