Do you know a Joke that will crack any body up???

Question

I need a short story ,riddle, joke or whatever that will crack anybodys liver in half!!! Please put where you got that joke from!!!
(web sites)

Answer 1

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."

Answer 2

The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

A friend of mine sent this to me. I thought it about the funniest thing I've read in a long time!! You could modify it a bit, leave out some of the small stuff.

Answer 3

a blond and redhead was walking past a florist the redhead saw her boyfriend getting her some flowers so she says "oh shxt he always has expectations after buying me flowers.i don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air" the blond says ..........don't you have a vase

i shall seek and find you i shall take you to bed and control you.i will make you ache ,shake and sweat until you grunt and groan i will make you beg for mercy.i will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when i leave you.and you will be weak for days ....
ALL MY LOVE THE FLUE xx

Answer 4

Just Google funny jokes and riddles.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little idiot has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Answer 5

Superman was flying around one day and noticed spider man mowing his yard, He said, "I won't bother him he's busy" So he flew around and noticed Batman and Robin having a pool party, and he said " well I won't bother them and besides, I wasn't invited", Then he flew over Wonder womens house and seen her laying naked in the backyard and said, " I believe with my speed, I could swoop down there and get a shot of that without her knowing what happened". So, he flew down with lightening speed, hit Wonder women and went on his way. Wonder women yelled,"What was that"? And the Invisible man, screamed,,,,"I don't know, but it just busted a hole in my *@##

Answer 6

Two men whose wives had gone missing were searching for their respective wives. they come upon each other. First guy asks the second, " what does your wife look like?"

the second guy says, " she is 5'8" tall, 36-24-36 figure, blonde hair, very beautiful. What about your wife?"

The first guys says, " forget my wife, lets find yours"

Answer 7

a women sits in front of the fire place with he legs open "what are you doing?" said her husband "cooking dinner" she said

Answer 8

your mums so poor then when i saw her kicking a can down the street, i asked her what she was doing and she replied 'moving".

your mums so poor the when i ring the bell she says "ding-dong".