How do you get children to sleep in their own bed and to sleep without problems?

Question

K.. I have this friend who has 2 kids, ages 3 and 1. They share a room, and they won't go to bed at night. Sometimes they keep her up until after 1 in the morning. I told her to just put them in their room and don't let them out, but her oldest will lay and bang on the door so much that he has almost broke it. He has other behavior problems, and doesn't listen to anything she says. The youngest is just following his brother. But she also will wake up with them in her bed. She's almost divorced, and she has full custody of the kids, so she is the only one that is taking care of them. She's at her wits end with their sleeping habits. She is pretty much ready to give up and just let them sleep where they fall. I don't know how to tell her that it's all about her parenting style, but how do I say that without making her feel like I'm accusing her of being a "bad mother"? I don't know what to tell her to help. Any suggestions?

k.. a little more background on this. They lived with us for almost 3 months. The kids bedtime routine is this: she puts them in the living room, puts on a movie, then she sits on the computer until the movie is over and then she tries to put them in bed. Of course they won't stay with that kind of bedtime routine. I've tried to tell her this, but she doesn't get it. My kids are so easy to put to bed, but we have a set bedtime, and we tell them that bedtime is coming so they are aware of it. Yes, there are nights when they cry and won't go to sleep for a while, but even my oldest doesn't get up anymore and try to come out of her room. Her oldest is very hard to deal with. He hits her, bites her, kicks her and laughs at her when she spanks him. He won't listen and he screams this high pitched scream when ever he doesn't get what he wants. I had a very hard time with him here, and the only person he would listen to was my hubby, only because he wasn't that sweet when he talked to him.

Answer 1

Wow. It sounds like there's a lot going on here, and the sleep issues are where it's playing out. Suddenly dad's gone, mom is [I assume] not having an exactly easy time either, and seems a bit overwhelmed (tuning out at bedtime, etc.). My approach would be:
- Skip the movie, and do something calming *together*: read some books, snuggle, talk about what you did that day. Or watch a *short* (20 min or less) bit of movie, together.
- Wash up, get into clean pajamas, have a glass of warm milk, and then put the 3 y.o. in bed.
- Separate the kids' sleeping areas until the 3 y.o. has calmed down. For example, have the 1 y.o. sleep in her room (our 18month old is still in our room, sleeping through the night, in her own bed on the other side of the dresser).

I can't help but feel that what the older child needs is a sense of security from mom, given all that's happened/happening: and for small kids, that means parental presence, predictable routines (so they know what's next), and clear, enforced limits. Maybe your friend could get some help for what she's going though -- let her know that she needs to be taken care of herself, so she can get stronger and be there for her kids. Good luck!

Answer 2

I think if she put the youngest to bed in her room 4 a time untill she can get the 3 year old to go to bed without a fight it would help her out alot. Now with the 3 year old she may need to look and see if maybe the seperation could be the cause of his problems and find some way to get him under control ( i know easier said then done) but i honestly think if she only has to deal with one screamin lil boy she will have an easier time dealing and maybe after the 3 year old gets the 1 year old going they feed off each other it might just mean spliting them up for a little while or even puttin the oldest to bed first ( he seems to be the one starting this whole thing at night) then once he's asleep if the youngest will go to bed without crying then just put him down after or something along those lines. Tell her you know she's going through a really hard time and you want to help her because you hate seeing her so stressed out over her little guys and the stress of the divorce. Let her know you may have a way to help .. n if you can offer her a night out or even stay with her 4 a night n help her gets some sleep

Answer 3

So, this little boy is a holy terror, and runs amok, regardless of what either parent says, regardless of where they are...

I saw a SuperNanny once- the fam had this problem... In the morning, tell Junior that tonight he's going to be sleeping in his own bed, like a "big boy." Plan out a "bedtime routine"... let him help decide what it will be- ____ TV show, bath, 1 story, a kiss, a hug, then lights out... Or whatever.... Make sure it's written down, so he can see/understand it (pictures on a poster?).

Then when bedtime comes, follow the routine chart. Once he's in bed, turn the lights out, leave the door open and hall lights on. "Junior, it's time for bed. Have a good night."


In the meantime, you may want to start with toning down how you respond to him... I've had to do this with one of my nephews- I have to remind myself that I'm NOT his mom, and it is her right/responsibility to control/teach him. My sister-in-law is pretty territorial about her maternal role, and this woman may feel the same way. She may feel that you're horning in on her job.

Ask her how she feel about his behavior? Does she like how he acts? Is she proud of the way he behaves toward others? Is she pleased with how he treats other children (maybe specify "the neighbor kids")? If she could change something about his behavior, what would it be?... and why?

See what she says.

Ask her if she's ever thought of taking parenting classes for ideas to help her deal with her children. "I'm not telling you that you should, I'm just saying it might help you find a way to get him to bed so you can get the sleep YOU need....." Phrase it as a concern for her health, sanity...

I'm sure you know that if she doesn't teach him control or obedience, a cop or a judge will... and they're no where near as forgiving as a mom.


I agree, though- just telling her bluntly that her son's a psycho probably won't work... Maybe these kinds of questions will get her thinking. Hopefully, she still cares enough to give him that "tough love" people talk about.

Answer 4

She will have major problems down the line if she continues to allow the kids to act this way at bedtime. If she is limited to just the two bedrooms, then she should allow the 3 yr old to have his own room and put the crib in her room. Bed time should be the same time every night - no exceptions 7-8 p.m. Toddlers need routines! EX: Dinner, watch one cartoon, potty, bath, brush teeth, pajamas, then read book. My husband and I have bought my 3 1/2 yr old a night light and a lantern that he can turn on and off. He gets to choose which book to read. Now he likes either me to read to him or he likes to (pretend) to read to me. He too has some behavior issues. But we make him think that he is in control. And if all else fails, tell her to watch Nanny 911 or Supernanny.

Answer 5

I had both of my children in my bed and didnt know what i was going to do to get them in there own bed but i did it.I bought them new beds that they wanted and just started with the nap of the day and giving them a teddy and told them that they r big now so they have to sleep in big beds by them selfs. That night i just put on a really relaxing movie untill they fell asleep from then on no more kids in my bed!

Answer 6

Miranda, I sympathize with you. It is difficult to tell someone that they need some help with their parenting skills. But perhaps you could help out one Saturday by finding her a babysitter for a few hours and take her to lunch. Have a heart felt conversation that first lets her know that you care and are on her side. Let her know that you understand how much stress she has been under with her marriage and the dissolution thereof.
There are several things that will help her with this.
First make sure that she keeps them on a schedule. Childrens' bodies adapt to a schedule and it becomes a very comforting thing that helps them to feel secure about their life. Their little bodies start to adjust and just seem to know that hmmm it's close to dinner time.
If she creates a schedule that will include a nice rigorous play time when she gets home from work. this will help to get their energy spent. Then dinner time, making sure they have a nice hot balanced meal. (NO SUGAR of any kind.) Later they can have a nice warm bath...they make a great bubble bath and bath soap with Lavender in it that helps to calm. Then maybe a story before bed. Then they are off to la la land. And if she makes this a ritual every single night....the same thing at the same time they begin to expect what is going to happen at what time and they start to respond to that. It is very comforting for a child to know what is coming next....something they can count on. Oh don't get me wrong they are going to buck and fight in the beginning....so warn her. But if she continues to respond to them each and every time with a soothing tone of voice and a gentle explanation but be firm that they WILL...UNDER EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE sleep in their own bed. Perhaps she could get them some special sheets or a really cool lamp that glows in the dark. Something unique to their room and then she can weave a story around that item and sort of make it a game...so that they want to sleep in that room. There are lots of books out there but I have gleaned a lot of this from experience . The fact is that she started the whole thing herself when she first allowed them to sleep in her bed. And it's ok for you to let her know in a gentle way that you have heard about that and explain to her that she will have to be painfully diligent about returning them to their room each and every time. The reason they come in there is because the don't have that sense of security. And the only security they know while going through this divorce is being close to mom. But it is a crucial time for her to make a change...especially while this is happening. It will assure them even more that she will always be there for them no matter what. And they don't have to sleep with her. Stay on a schedule...it's the only way.

Answer 7

consistency and loving firmness is the key to a successful parenting experience. lights out means lights out. Its at the same time every night and no exceptions. If the child gets up put them back to bed immediately without fail. Reward them for going to bed with a Good night ritual that includes a kiss or caress. It will take 3 weeks or a month of this regime to get the desired result to become automatic

Answer 8

Somewhere along the line, the eldest child got the message that HE is boss.
It is time for her to take some parenting classes and get her power back.
Maybe between she and her husband, they undermined one another's authority prior to this separation, and the child learned that he can have his way while watching the parents disagree on discipline?
She also needs to make sure the children get plenty of exercise and fresh air during the day, rock them to sleep (it works with some kids) and then put them to bed.
NO caffeine before bedtime either ... no soda.

Answer 9

bar one these people replying are horrible!! Supernany is not an answer you're looking for.

Someone (mother, friend, someone close to eldest child) needs to calming explain to eldest child "tonight you are going to be a big boy(?) and sleep in your bed so you can grow big and strong like (someone big n strong :P)" Use this as just a little remider for child. If child protest only from reminder COMPLETELY IGNORE, LEAVE ROOM< CHANGE SUBJECT, REDIRECT BEHAVIOUR ELSEWARE

Having some sort of rouitine in place prior to bedtime works wonders. Like bath, brush teeth, read book, lights out works for my 2 yrs old boy. Making bed time fun and not making a huge fuss over it works.

It take 2 weeks for a child to adapt to a new concept, and the first week is usually horrible with tantrums etc. Just remember 2 weeks is not a very long time.

Answer 10

My suggestion is that when you go visit her, talk to her and very casually mention to her that you see her tired and what not (something like that) and if you can help with anything. If she dishes out that she's having trouble with her kids then give her some suggestions like reading to them in their room or to do some kind of activity before going to sleep like pick up toys or clothes or whatever if she says it doesn't work then she may need to see a behavioral specialist to check for hyperactivity and maybe recommend medication to control that.