Can you forgive someone if they are not sorry for what they've done?

Question

My 'mother' asked me what I wanted from her (past history of being abused by my step-father AND her). I said (extremely leniently) "To say sorry...and to mean it". Her reply was "I could say sorry...but I wouldn't mean it"! She told me to remember that it was my choice - I told her "You've just made it for me". That was our last conversation, about 3 1/2 years ago now. I have read that to heal, it is best to find it in your heart to forgive but can you really forgive someone who openly has no remorse for their actions?!

I should have mentioned that I have had counselling and that helped me a bit in venting my feelings. They noticed how much happier I was after cutting her out of my life and I haven't seen them since! Still hard sometimes though, which is why I've been trying to forgive.

She is still being cruel to this day, in that she has refused to write a witness statement for an injury my step-father gave me but I need the compensation money for treatment as I am in pain everyday. She knows this. My dad wrote her a letter to ask her to help me (although it killed him to write to her!) and she told the Police to issue a warning against him for possible harrassment!!!

Answer 1

Yes you can because you control forgiveness not the other person.

The person that hurt you may never say they are sorry but you can still forgive them and let your soul heal.

If you have not had therapy - you might want to try some because it can help you work through the feelings that you have.

In your situation, everything your feeling and asking is very normal. You can also read some books on Grief and Healing.

Might help.

Good luck

Answer 2

If it helps your healing process, you could forgive her for not being sorry and forgive her for what she had done and what she allowed to be done to you.

It may have been that your mother was also a victim of abuse from your step father and in her mind, you were the reason behind her being abused which in turn made her do it to and which made her condone what your step father did to you and how he treated you.

Growing up in a violent family affects children of the family in different ways. You obviously want an apology and some type of closure, to be honest, by what your mother said, you won't get it. So either forgive her in the way I suggested at the beginning or hate her forever... I think the former suggestion is better for you to lead a better more fullfilled and happy life from now on.

Answer 3

First I must say that you are a very brave person who is dealing extremely well with a very bad situation. I am glad you have gone through councelling and been able to come to terms with what happened to you. Your request to your Mother was forgiving, it is she who has the problem now. I don't know if you took action by reporting the abuse to the police, if so that should help with the court action. Failing that did you report the abuse to the hospital staff? If so then they could help with a report to the court. What about your Dad, did he know about the abuse, can he help with a statement? If, as so many do, you kept it to yourself and need your Mothers' statement I am afraid that you are not going to get it. She has shown no remorse for what they did to you and has openly admitted that she is not sorry. I think that you have shown forgiveness by speaking to her and giving her the chance to show remorse. It is now time to put her away where she belongs, out of your life. She is not worth any further effort or thought from you. Get on with your life, make it a good one.

Answer 4

I am not over holy but understand if we believe in God we should forgive. However, in your case I think you can forgive someone as in your mother as in not wishing her harm etc but this does not mean you have to contact her. From your posting I am unsure if you are referring to physical or sexual abuse.You don't say between what age this happened or the extent of the abuse. Although abuse just should not happen I think like everything else there is a scale of severity. A little child touching perhaps an ornament in the home that gets hit with a belt etc very, very severe. A teenagers totally rebelling, being abusive themselves to parents and the parents lash out. Still unacceptable but further down the scale if you see where I am coming from? If you were abused in any form for absolutely nothing but being an innocent chilld then your mum is completely unatural and really for peace in your life better carrying on without her.

Answer 5

You have a right to be hurt and angry but this thing is like a cancer eating into your soul. No matter what you do you cannot change the past or the future. You need , not to forgive but to move on. There is no compensation you could receive that is worth keeping these people in your life.
You should consider them both deceased and go on from there. Your mother is not a mother but a biological factor , a bad one , in your life and your step-father does not even need a category. He is a bum. Why would you not just want to leave them behind and start over?Get rid of the baggage. Start anew, reborn within yourself and let these people, both of them meet their judgment when the time is right. God Bless you and keep you in His care. I will pray for you.

Answer 6

As a survivor of child abuse myself, I can relate to what you're going through. Forget it, your abusers will never ever acknowledge what they've done or their own responsability for it. If they admit it happened, it will be laid on you as "your fault." Forgiveness is between you and God...and it is an act of will, a decision not an emotion. You can talk to God and officially forgive them as a way of putting it behind you and not allowing it to control your life. But as to "acting like nothing ever happened"--forget that. That would just tell your abusers that it's OK to treat people any way they like. Distance yourself from these people and make a life of your own...it is possible, and the only real solution in a situation like this. I had to do the same. It's painful but not nearly as painful as staying locked in a dysfunctional system where you are treated as the cause of what they've actually done.
Even if these people acknowlege their guilt, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will "feel better" about what happened, or that your relationship will change overnight. That's movie stuff...and movies aren't reality.
Good luck building your own life...I'm sure you'll do a better job than these two "adults" have.

Answer 7

I feel that it would be best to forgive her. I believe in God, so I believe we need to forgive. I think what will happen, maybe even way later in her life, is that she will ultimately be eaten alive by what she's done. And maybe she may put up a front to you to defend herself or her actions, but that doesn't mean that's how she feels when she's lost in her own thoughts. And age has a way of putting everything into perspective, and having the past suddenly catch up with you. It may or may not be the case...but regardless of that, she will face God. But I do think that by forgiving, you basically lift a burden from your shoulder. I was hit by an ex boyfriend and I forgave him. (And he in no way thought what he did was wrong.) I broke up with him of course, but when I forgave him, and wished him the best in life, it really healed me, because, I did the right thing. And anybody who is strong and genuine, despite what they are faced with in life, will always come out ahead. And although you may never have any kind of relationship with your mother, which you probably wouldn't get even with an honest apology, you can put the past behind you, and rid yourself of a burden that's just eating at you. I also believe in the forgive and forget theory. Especially since you can't change what's already been done anyway...you can only change how you continue in life afterwards.

Answer 8

What is the saying, you can forgive but never forget. If the remorse isn't genuine, then why accept it, it is up to you to accept it, no matter what your counseling might have centered on, you were the victim of the abuse, you know how and what you feel. I am one of those people who believes in giving respect where respect is due, personally, I don't think they deserve your forgiveness, and don't be quick to give it. Live your life, leave the abuse and the abusers in your past, shun the remorse and be a productive individual, you will be okay. God Bless.

Answer 9

Hi

Your mother unfortunatly isn't behaving like a mother should as a good mother will put her child before her partner in circumstances such as yours. He has abused you and your mother has too.

Healing isn't about forgiveness, it's about you and how you feel about yourself after such awful events in your life.

Do not forgive if you do not feel like forgiving, forgive if it makes you feel better. Do what feels right for you. But their behaviour must not be excused.

If your mother is not prepared to stand by you then this is not someone you need in your life.

The sad part is, there is a high chance that they will go onto abuse again.

You can still seek compensation to get help without your mothers input.

However, there is alot of help out there thats also free and theres many support groups out there too.

Everyone feels differently about forgiveness when it comes to abuse. I healed without forgiving my abusers.

People will only change if they want too and you cant make someone care if they dont care. If you ever decide to go and see your mum, make sure your ready to face her, be prepared for what you may not like but when you walk away from her, hold your head up high. It takes alot of courage and strength to come here and share your experience and ask advice. With your kind of strength you will go on to good things in life.

Answer 10

i just went and googled "forgive"-definition-(stop blaming).
i., too have someone in my life that i can not forgive, because like you i will never hear "I'm sorry".
i think the whole forgive and forget thing is crap. forgive-no, because there is blame and responsibility that people have own up to. forget not unless there is some sort of injury to the brain will it occur.
i think the best that you and i or anyone else can do is to "let go" of the energy that we dedicate to the people that have hurt us, because it will eat our hearts and souls and become a vicious circle, you can't "forgive" what they did and then you can 't forgive" them for the inability to say "sorry"
do you need these people in your life - no, get your help from a different resource, put healthy people into your life.
thank you,-----your question, it has helped me face a lot of my anger and frustration about the person that has and does try to emotionally hurt me still.